1. Whorish Face

A shallow pop song + religious group – singing ability = musical gold (“Lady Gay-Gay, you’re not God”)

2. Ancient Chinese Letter of Apology After Drunken Debauchery

(Texts from last night circa 850 AD)

I bet you thought you were the first one who came up with the excuse “I was blacked out.” Let me tell you, that story is older than Jesus. Seriously.

3. Paleontologists Discover Skeleton of Nature’s First Sexual Predator

The prehistoric ancestor to all of Phroth’s writers.

4. The Shake Weight

How to save money if you’re a woman: Grab the nearest male by the junk and move your hands up and down the shaft in a smooth, firm motion. Bonus: Protein shake at the end.
How to save money if you’re a man: Keep on jackin’ it.

5. Weight Watchers Clinic Floor Collapses under Dieters

“The floor of a Weight Watchers clinic in Sweden collapsed beneath a group of 20 members of the weight loss programme who were gathered for a meeting.”

Thank you, Universe, for doing my job for me.

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