The feeling from the Penn State football team is one of utter terror at the thought of playing the Eastern Illinois Panthers at Beaver Stadium this Saturday. Penn State players, coaches, and fans are all fearing the worst for their Nittany Lion football team come kickoff this weekend.

“I think it’s best if we just take what is given to us,” Penn State quarterback Daryl Clark said. “We are certainly going to lose, but hopefully we can take some positives from this game, like a couple solid punts or really good sportsmanship. But in all honesty I hope I can leave the field with all my limbs intact, because these guys are just ferocious athletes.”

Eastern Illinois is 4-1 in Division Two play and has beat some of the best teams in the powerhouse “Ohio Valley” district like Austin Peay and Indiana State. While they are not BCS ranked, most coaches around the league are voicing their opinion that should be a top five national contender team.

“Oh yeah, put them at number one,” legendary Penn State coach Joe Paterno said. “Not just because I think they’re a great football team, but because I’m afraid they’ll hurt me and my team if I don’t say nice things about them. These guys are serious ball players.”

“If we can hold them under fifty I think we’ve done our job,” Penn State linebacker Sean Lee said. “Did you see what they did to the behemoth Southern Missouri? It was disgusting. I just hope they take a little mercy on us and put in their backups when they get their 30 point lead early in the second quarter. It will give our squad good practice for more manageable opponents like Michigan and Ohio State.

Lee did admit that he is looking forward to after the game. “I hope I can meet some of their guys after they’re done dismantling us. I really look up to them.”

Eastern Illinois players and coaching staff was unavailable for comment because their team bus broke down on the way to Penn State.

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By Matt Powers, Head Writer

1. Awkward Family Photos

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

Just hope you don’t find your family on here…

Phrothie says: This page is DOMINATED by the Bonaduce family.

2. The Internet of the Future…From the Past!

Tom Brokaw breaks down the internet for a naive early 90’s audience. Why is it that what the internet could do in the 90’s is way cooler than what it can do now? Virtual shopping malls? Synching your watch with your computer? This is straight up Jetsons.

3. 30 Rock is a rip-off of the Muppet Show

http://bloglynch.blogspot.com/2009/06/3 … -show.html

In related news, Rock of Love is totally a rip-off of the Discovery Health Channel’s special on gonorrhea.

Phrothie says: Itchy!

4.  Soccer Fan Can’t Eat Ice Cream

Soccer Fan Can’t Eat Ice Cream – Watch more Funny Videos

He got fat by absorbing treats, not eating them.

Phrothie says: Calories by osmosis!

5. Girl Takes Soft Ball to the Face

(closest pic we could find)

http://www.ejb.com/video/20604/Softball_vs_face.html

Made hilarious by the sound effect.

6. Website Story

College Humor presents a musical about the Internet!

7. Voices That Care

A benefit song from the first Gulf War the makes “We Are the World” look like “Don’t They Know it’s Christmas?” The song includes such megastars as Celine Dion, Michael Bolton, the Nelson Twins, Kenny G, Will Smith, Gary Busey and Fred Savage singing in beautiful, glorious harmony (except for Will Smith; he raps for some reason). It’s like the ’27 Yankees of music if the ’27 Yankees were a group of talentless hacks who were inconceivably popular in 1991.

8. Web Soup on G4

http://www.g4tv.com/websoup/

Okay, this isn’t something we’re making fun of here. This is the latest and funniest Soup spinoff so far (beating out Sports Soup and The Dish) which stars Chris Hardwick (www.nerdist.com) and makes fun of some of the best and worst viral videos out there on the interwebz. It might not be The Soup but it’s definitely worth checking out.

9. Conan Deceives Old People, Hilarity Ensues

Conan goes undercover to see what old people think of his show. What follows is a solid eight minutes of old people calling Conan a sexual deviant.

10. I Park Like an Idiot

http://www.iparklikeanidiot.com/

If you’re sick of jackasses who take up two parking spaces with their gas-guzzling SUVs, morons who park diagonally across multiple spaces, jerks who park halfway onto your brand new boat, or assholes who crash through your backyard fence to park on your property, then this site is for you.

Phrothie Says: In the state of New Jersey, this site is accessed simply with the url “ipark.com”

Stay tuned for funny July things!

1. Popeye’s runs out of chicken

Popeyes ran out of fried chicken when they were having a special and alot of the customers were clucking pissed.

2. Woman blasts off boyfriend’s penis with firecrackers

“A Russian woman got so upset by the news that her boyfriend intended to leave her that she tied several firecrackers to his penis and exploded them, the Life.ru web-site reports.” (source)

Phrothie says: Like Lorena Bobbitt, but with firecrackers!

3. KANYEFY!!!
http://fffff.at/kanye-vision-bookmarklet/

View the internet the way Kanye sees it! Because, well…why the hell not?

Also, you can Kanyefy the type on any webpage. The more times you press the button, the more exclamation points there are!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Similar websites: Cornify & Bacolicio.us

4. Motherlover 

For Mother’s Day this year Andy Samburg teamed back up with Justin Timberlake for a follow-up to DIck in a Box where they sing about fucking each other’s mothers for Mother’s Day. Enough said.

Side note: Hulu flaged this as having mature content so unless you want to view the censored (aka lame) version you are going to need a Hulu account because the video is not on youtube.

(view the censored version here)

5. Carlos Zambrano Loses His Shit
 
View the video here: http://mlb.mlb.com/media/video.jsp?content_id=4756801

Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrao gets all handsy with the home plate umpire after Pirates player Nyjer Morgan is called safe at the plate in a May 27th game. It was a rough day for Zambrano: He didn’t tag the runner in time, his attempt to throw the ball angrily into the stands came up short, and he didn’t get to completely destroy the Gatorade dispenser in the dugout he so loathes. This is important for two reasons: 1)It is the first time a player has ever attempted to throw an umpire out of a game, and 2) It is the first time a Pittsburgh Pirate player has beaten a throw to the plate since the mid eighties.

6. 10 Ridiculous Anti-Pornography Commericals
 

To see the rest of the videos: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/10-ridic … ommercials

Phrothie says: The second best use of the internet (next to porn).

7. Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus
 

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is this summer’s Snakes on a Plane. Starring ex-pop star Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas, this equisite gem of a film tells the story of two giant prehistoric beasts, released from the ice prison which froze them mid-battle millions of years earlier. Upon their release, the Mega Shark and Giant Octopus begin attacking everything man-made from airplanes to bridges to battleships (Why? Because it’s part of their natural instinct, DUH!). What makes this movie so hilariously awesome isn’t the poor attempt at CGI or the lack of effort behind the script…it’s being able to see these actors struggling to do their god damn jobs. Also, the dismal treatment of the scientific process is uniquely guffaw-worthy (it involves multi colored liquids and making out in a janitorial closet).

Phrothie says: Watch it with a finger on the fast foward button or with a BAC of at least point-oh-five. 

8. Ohio man arrested for mowing unkempt grass at park

“City Manager Matt Kline called the arrest unfortunate and said he understands Hamilton’s frustration. Kline said budget cuts have left Sandusky understaffed for seasonal maintenance work.” (source)

This is real. We swear. It’s not The Onion, it’s not Phroth, it’s some douchetool in Ohio who really loves his neighborhood park.

We can imagine the tough prison talk now:
Prisoner 1: What you in for?
Prisoner 2: I stabbed a little girl to death. You?
Prisoner 1: I robbed a bank and killed two cops before they took me down. Hey, what you in for skinny?
Ohio douchetool: I trimmed the lawn at my local park.
Prisoner 2: Rape him. 
*inaudible screams*

——
Compiled by members of Phroth. Let mirth prevail!