If you are looking for a nonsensical good time, look no further than M. Night Shyamalan’s break out comedy sensation, “The Happening.” Mark Wahlberg delivers an Oscar-worthy performance, if only there was a category for shitty-shitty horror film/comedy. With gut busting lines and great comedic range, Wahlberg delivers a smart, yet oh-so-dumb performance, slinging comedic gold one liners like “What’s happening?” and “Does anybody know what’s happening?” throughout the course of the 91 minute film.

Can you believe it? This film is only 91 minutes, but it is filled to the brim with John Leguizamo as a Latino stereotype, Zooey Deschanel as someone dead behind the eyes and wheat as deadly wheat. Wowee! I paid $10.50 to see this movie opening day and $1.50 twice to rent it out of a Redbox machine. What a steal huh? Not only have I spent more than a Chinese migrant worker’s lifetime salary on this film, but I would do it again in a heartbeat because I can easily make more money unlike my Asian counterparts.

God I love America and God I love The Happening. Some lessons to be learned:

1. Don’t question Mark Wahlberg’s acting ability.

“Hey wind. What’s up? Why are you always blowing around like that? Look wind I just want to talk. Stop killing people wind. Say hi to your mother for me alright?”

2. Fear pollen, stay indoors and don’t talk to the elderly, especially if you eye their “lemon drink.”

3. The plants did it. They were the murderers.

4. Spencer Breslin is an ugly child and an even uglier teen. I’m glad he was shot to death in the movie.

5. If you saw this film in theaters and rented it out of a Redbox machine twice, you will never get your money back no matter how many times you write Shyamalan, Wahlberg or 20th Century Fox.

This film was not up for Best Picture in 2009, but it’s hard to think that it won’t be nominated for an Oscar come 2010.

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By Brandon Scott Wolf, Phollegian Editor

Mark Wahlberg quote by Matt Powers, Head Writer

Where the Wild Things Are: 1/10 stars

I completely hate this movie and all of the actors in it. I hate the director, the camera crew, the personal assistants, the families of the set designers, the focus group, the executive producer, and the key grip. Especially the key grip. What the hell is a key grip? What are you holding on to? God I hate you so much.

This movie ruined my favorite childhood story for me. And I hated childhood. I mean, this book was only ten sentences long and they go and make it into a movie somewhere in between 80-140 minutes? Ridiculous. And what was the deal with that kid? From the trailer, I gathered he was a little shit. And what about those big furry things? From a poster I saw on a bus stop, they seem pretty poorly done. I can only imagine how bad the soundtrack is. Who directed this piece of shit? I should really find out so I can send him some hate mail, if I can get around to it. I’m pretty up to my neck in my reviewing gig here. I mean what’s the deal with all of those scenes at the beginning? I didn’t see them, but I’m pretty sure if I did, I would have fucking hated them. And don’t get me started on all of those scenes in the middle. Just awful. Whoever directed this should have saved all of his non-viewers some time and just deleted them. And who voiced those silly animals? I didn’t get to hear any of them in the trailer, because some piss ant girl scouts rang my doorbell and I had to go explain to them how all of their badges and uniforms were knitted by girls just like them chained to sewing machines in Malaysia for no pay. By the time I got back, I missed the rest of the trailer, and I didn’t have that kind of time to watch it again. After all I am a film critic.

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By Matt Powers, Head Writer