The New York Post doesn’t come up with their witty, biting headlines on the spot. Every day, they speculate about hundreds of potential world events, and come up with headlines ahead of time. Some make it in, while many others fall by the wayside, just waiting for the day they will be needed. Here are some of those headlines:

Headline: “Yankee Doodle Dandy”
Event: New York Yankees team captain Derek Jeter retires from baseball to become a painter. His first work sells at an auction for $500,000.

Headline: “Obama ODRAMA”
Event: Barack Obama accidentally wears the same suit as Joe Biden creating the biggest fashion faux pas to hit the white house since Laura and George Bush wore Crocs on a morning walk.

Event: It is revealed that as governor, Sarah Palin accepted a $4,500 kickback to give a construction company a contract to re-pave a road in Fairbanks.

Headline: “I rack, you rack, we all rack for Iraq”
Event: No event, just a lot of girls with big chests and veils.

Headline: “Crime takes a bite out of Scruff McGruff”
Event: A man put on death row asks for dog meat as his last meal.

Event: Pope Benedict XVI visits America. An embarrassing incident ensues when he tries to make change for five Euros.

Headline: S&P S&M
Event: A company that makes fine leather bondage gear is listed on the S&P 500. It goes on to become one of the index’s fastest rising stocks.

Event: NY Post finally goes under, giving in to the inevitable, crushing tide of the internet.

————–

Written By Matt Woodward, Rebecca Eisenberg and Desmond Nathanson

Compiled By Matt Woodward

I HATE PEOPLE WHO FUCKING RANT!!!!
(It’s pretty much just bullshit filler space)

By BRANDON SCOTT WOLF!!!

This is it. This is, “The Bottom of the Barrel.” Out of the rubble that Phroth of yesteryear once was comes something so tasteless, inane and hysterically time wasting that it can only be described as Phoenix-like. We at Phroth would love to say this is it, but hell, we know it’s just going to turn into a stupid fucking rant. So, without further ado, I, Brandon Scott Wolf, and my fellow Phrothies would like to welcome you to the fucking rant for this fucking week.

This blog may garner a laugh, or a lawsuit at some point —hopefully both—, but for now, I will settle for nothing less than a couple dozen more hits on our website so when we check Google Analytics, we can say that we have contributed a little more textual trash to the garbage dump I like to call the internet. And since one man’s trash is another man’s treasure, hopefully someone will find this trash and treasure it.

What I would like to bring to everyone’s collective attention in this week’s rant is how much I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE WHO RANT!!! WHAT IS THE GOD DAMN DEAL WITH RANTING?!!! RANTING IS PRETTY MUCH GOING OFF ON BULLSHIT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT MATTER AND CAN DO ANYTHING FROM FILLING UP BLOCKS OF ENTERTAINMENT OF FOX NEWS TO COMEDY ARTICLES ON OUR BLOG WEBSITE!!!

I GOD DAMN HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE RANT FOR NO APPARENT FUCKING REASON!! I HATE RABBLE-ROUSING RANTERS!!! YOU KNOW WHO NEEDS TO NOT BE HERE ANYMORE??!!!

A. THAT FAT FUCKING, PILL POPPING RANTING PIECE OF SHIT RUSH LIMBAUGH!!!
B. THAT DUMBASS CONSERVATIVE BITCH WITH THE RACK AND BLONDE HAIR!!! WHAT THE FUCK’S HER NAME?!! ANN COULTER!! THAT’S IT!! THAT’S HER FUCKING NAME!!!
and
C. OPRAH!!! SHE JUST DOES TOO MUCH WITH HER BOOK CLUB, GOD DAMN IT!!

GOD DAMN I HATE RANTS!! AND I HATE WHEN PEOPLE TYPE IN ALL CAPS!!! AND I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ABUSE EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! AND CHILDREN!!! SEXUALLY!!!!

————–
by Brandon Scott Wolf, Phollegian Editor/Middle Name Abuser

by Hal Dworkin
Phroth Staff Writer 

NANTUCKET, Ma – Sides came to blows Monday afternoon over disputed election results of the local cross-country running club iRan. Protesters claiming the presidential election was a fraud lined the lanes of the local track where the team practices, preventing other people from running. Officers of the club, which is sponsored by computer behemoth Apple, showed up to kick the protesters off the track but ended up kicking their asses. “After they refused to move we had no choice but to start using deadly force, lest their voices start being heard,” said an official iRan spokesperson.

The controversy started last week after the election for the club’s president between incumbent president Molly Aman and Harry Munster. Molly Aman is the hardline candidate who believes all the clubs members should always run in a straight line and as hard as they can. Harry Munster is the reformist candidate. He believes members of the club should pace themselves during long extended runs, as well as better relations with the United States. 

Aman declared herself the winner of a landslide election two minutes after the polls closed, claiming 18 votes out of 25, winning by 11 votes. Munster and his followers cried foul, claiming that the election was tampered with and demanded a new election take place.

Supreme Runner Alison Khan, the iRan member with more power than anyone in the club, supported Aman during the campaign and rejected the idea for a new election in a speech to iRan. She also went onto say that if that protests continue that Munster and his followers would be held responsible for what occurs next, which would be the prevention of other people from running, she clarified in a later statement.

Khan also has barred anyone in iRan from speaking to the media unless they are a club official and has restricted media access to the track where the club runs. However, Phroth has been able to gather information on what is happening in iRan through videos posted to Youtube and tweets posted to Twitter. “This is amazing! There are literally tens of us here in protest to this fraudulent election!” tweeted Runstar2009.

IloVeBAkedgOodS420, another twit, tweeted this message only five minutes ago, “So I, uh, like totally went down to the track today for some exercise, but there were these squares on track demonstrating about the Iranian election. Why the track man?”

Meanwhile, Munster has not been seen for several days. Some believe him to be dead, but his Facebook status currently reads, “Went to Miami to chill out for a while. HELLS YEAH!” Five people reportedly like this.

Republican members of the Senate have been viewing the Supreme Court confirmation hearings of Sonia Sotomayor as a chance to reestablish the rich white base of the party through racism. Sotomayor is a Hispanic woman who was nominated to the high court by President Obama earlier this week.

“This is exactly what the GOP needs right now,” Republican junior senator from Kansas Bernard Johnson said. “We’ve lost the White House, Congress, and really our identity. We’re Republicans. Racism is really what we do best. This will bring the party together.”

“It will be more passive aggressive if anything,” Wyoming Senator James Huntington explained. “We’ll probably mispronounce her name, not really listen to her answers, and insinuate that she’s un-American because she’s not white. I’m really looking forward to it.”

Despite the importance of the Hispanic vote, the fastest increasing population in the United States, Republican strategist John Lodge is unconcerned about alienating this voting demographic during the hearings.

“We stopped paying attention to election results in the 70’s,” Lodge said. “Yeah it’s great if we win one, but here at the GOP we’ve always been more comfortable with shadow government run by scared wealthy white men that is unaccountable to the people. It’s what the founding fathers wanted”

Senator Bernard said that he didn’t want to “give anything away,” but he is cooking up an oblique comparison between Sotomayor and illegal immigrants that he may sneak in to one of his questions. As Bernard explains, “Look, we have Mike Steele, a black man, as the head of our party. Us! Republicans! A minority leader! We’ve earned this.”

————–
by Matt Powers, Head Writer

The Phollegian Throughout History

The Phroth Phollegian was founded in 1909 as the Phree Phlance, and published once every new moon. Because of the slow rate at which information traveled, the upstart paper was forced to make up its’ own stories. In 1911, it became the Phenn Phstate Phollegian and tripled circulation in the next five years (Unfortunately, tripling zero still results in zero). When it seemed like the newspaper was on the verge of folding, someone suggested a revolutionary new way of doing business. Taking their advice, the Phollegian staff distributed their paper around campus, rather than just dumping it into a river.

In 1940, the publication was rechristened as the Phaily Phollegian, and student journalists would spend the decade reporting on the big stories of the World War (the first one, though). Their reach around State College and influence grew, with more Phollegians being used to cover floors while painting than any other newspaper. In 1969, it began running a crossword puzzle, and the average GPA plummeted by twenty percent as a result.

College to Embrace “Di-versity”

With the debate on the matter of Kraut suffrage reaching a consensus, the Pennsylvania State College of Pennsylvania enacted bold new statutes that would grant legitimacy to the emerging concept of “di-versity”.

In accordance with “di-versity”, quotas dictating enrollment of ethnic minorities will be enacted. Commencing with the upcoming 1914 academic annum, the Pennsylvania State College of Pennsylvania will be required to enroll three Irish-men, four Iberians, two males of Greek persuasion, five Poles, and one China-man. These students will represent forty percent of the student population.

For the purpose of displaying a tolerance for the creeds of others, mandatory daily chapel services will be available to both Protestant and Anglican students. The filthy Roman Catholics, with their false idol in the Vatican, will continue to be denied a regular mass.

Many undergraduates have welcomed “Di-versity”. Albert Pew (Junior, agricultural engineering) ejaculated “I welcome my brethren from the bad parts of the European sub-continent”. William Smithson (Senior, agricultural studies) said “May they let us replicate their presumably superior class notes”.

Other students consider “Di-versity” to be daft. Evan Forester (Sophomore, pre-agriculture) exclaimed “This acceptance of those who are not Anglo-Saxon is just going go further! It’s the Irish now, but tomorrow, it might be the Scotch-Irish!”

January 7th, 1965

U.S. Military Invents Gaydar
New Technology Breakthrough Allows Advanced Detection of Homosexuality

After years of research, the U.S. Military unveiled something they called “Gaydar”. A top general explained to us “We figured that if we could use radar to detect enemy aircraft and ships, we could use it do detect affinity for those of the same gender”.

America has responded to this revolutionary technology with a mixture of wonderment and skepticism. “When I saw Liberace perform on the Ed Sullivan show wearing a sequined cape, thigh-high leggings, and a lavender strap-on phallus, I didn’t suspect a thing. But with Gaydar, it all seems so obvious” said Marie George, a housewife from New York. After using Gaydar, Joseph Albee, a Catholic father of eight in San Francisco’s Castro district said “What the hell am I doing here?” Others had their doubts. “According to the Gaydar, Jorge, the strapping young lad who decorated my rumpus room, is one of them homosexualists. But, he doesn’t prey on my impressionable young children. How can that be?” said Edith Gold, a housewife from Bear, Nevada.

A common test for Gaydar has been on celebrities and movie characters. According to the device, movie super-spy James Bond is way off the gay charts.

Military and civilian experts alike agree that Gaydar will revolutionize the way we find out who eats hair pie and who cleans brown pipes.

October 5th, 1986

Letters D, J, and W Join Divestment Campaign against Sesame Street

Joining an ever growing divestment campaign to protest Children’s Television Workshop’s involvement with the Apartheid-practicing government of South Africa, the letters D, J, and W announced that they would no longer sponsor Sesame Street. “The actions of these three letters has brought our Coalition of the Spelling up to ten letters and four numbers, and we will make ourselves heard!” said the number six, a founding member of the campaign.

A spokesperson for CTW said “We could do without J, as he’s the youngest letter and his sponsorships were interchangeable with those of the letter I up until a few hundred years ago, but D and W come as big losses to us. How will we spell “woodpecker” without them?”

When reached for comment, the letter D said “I was thinking of pulling my sponsorship for a while, this was a convenient excuse. I really doubt that my money’s doing anything. Elmo is going insane, and one of them is still living in a garbage can!”

In order to further promote the campaign, the Coalition of the Spelling has hired Peter Gabriel, who will rewrite the lyrics of his hit song “Sledgehammer” to explain Apartheid to children. The song will be sung as a duet with Kermit the Frog, who himself is a supporter of the divestment campaign.

May 3rd, 1993

Thomas Out, Clinton In As University President

Taking advantage of the transfer of power in Washtington, Joab L. Thomas stepped down as university president, his position slated to be filled by United States President Bill Clinton’s brother Roger.

Although Roger has no experience in academia and served jail time for cocaine possession in the 1980s, university officials deemed his character flaws a minor trade-off for having a connection to the highest levels of government.

The move was an attempt to re-capture a moment of time in the early fifties when Milton Eisenhower, the brother of then-current president Dwight, headed the college. Those in charge hope that such a situation will lead to another boom period in the university’s growth.

Higher-ups at the university are patting themselves on the back for their decision. “We missed a golden opportunity when Billy Carter turned down our offer twenty-five years ago, but we fixed that this time” said one department head.

Among Roger’s plans for Penn State are an indoor arena named after former president Bryce Jordan where cockfighting matches can be held, and a new set of engineering buildings to replace the ones he lost in a poker match last night.

—
by Matt Woodward, Phroth Staff Writer

WASHINGTON – President Barack H. Obama (the H. stands for HOPE) has reconstructed his Cabinet once again, but this time he used the help of the Home Depot and their American Woodmark Cabinetry Collection.

“I don’t want an aging antique Cabinet like Bush had,” said Obama. “I don’t feel the need for secretaries and departments. My Cabinet will be completely remodeled and different from the previous administration. I’m going to have a sturdy chestnut oak frame complimented by mosaic tile so every day is a fiesta.”

The newly remodeled Cabinet will have space for a microwave, a flat screen television, a playpen for the new puppy and a large compartment full of CHANGE!

“I’m sure the hard working folks at the Home Depot can make a Cabinet with room to fill all positions necessary,” said Obama. “I already have a Secretary of Interior Design picked out, so that’s a step in the right direction.”

The Cabinet was picked out last week and with Home Depot’s quick delivery promise, it should be shipped and in the Oval Office by Feb. 15 at the latest.

“I don’t think he knows what the Cabinet is,” said Chicago Home Depot employee Joe Billder.

“Michelle and I don’t want to spend too much money on the new Cabinet, but that’s something the Director of the Office of Management and Budget should deal with,” said Obama. “I don’t know about money matters.”

The Obama’s are now thinking about constructing a brand new presidential credenza, said CNN’s Wolf Blitzer.

—

by Brandon Scott Wolf
Phroth Staff Writer

The current administration has been looking at many different ways to help jump-start the economy, and get the country back to work. President Obama has presented a plan that would be the largest amount of spending by the government in U.S. history.

Despite his best efforts to reach across the aisle, Obama’s plan has been met by a great deal of Republican criticism. 

John McCain, the senator from Arizona and presidential runner-up, has suggested something new.

“We want to create a bill that would provide all Americans with oatmeal, and force hipsters to cut their hair. It would also eliminate that dammed hip-hoppity nonsense the kids like so much.”

McCain says that one portion of the bill will be particularly crucial to helping the current economy.

“The bill we are proposing would also fire the Puerto Rican maid that cleans the Capitol Building. Many of us believe that she is the reason for the current deficit.”

Shortly after proposing the bill, Senator McCain settled in for a nap. Another meeting will take place during the next early bird special at the Denny’s near the senator’s home.

—–
by Daniello Sepe, Phroth Philms Chair

The following is the first part of an eight hundred and fifty six part series of guest bloggers on the Phroth website. The views presented in the following article are not necessarily the views of Phroth, unless you think they are way badass, in which case we take full credit.

A Super Bowl Preview
by Senator John McCain

Hello friends, citizens, countrymen, fellow bloggers, bowling alley-degenerates, dental school students, and sport enthusiasts. Because I have recently discovered/learned how to use/acknowledged this thing called the World Wide Web, I will be telling you all about the upcoming Super Bowl in the same way I conducted my campaign: with honor, dignity, and a fierce smear campaign.

So on Sunday evening, the uninspiring Pittsburgh Steelers will face off against the scrappy Arizona Cardinals in Tampa Bay, Florida. The most intriguing storyline within the game will be erratic Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger against the unflappable Cardinal Kurt Warner. This pits a relatively new, inexperienced quarterback against an old, physically more attractive veteran who has been to the Super Bowl (and didn’t play like hell) and knows how to get things done. While Roethlisberger may be out there being charismatic and fun and youthful and crashing motorcycles into inanimate objects and whatever else it is that young people do these days, Warner is less flashy, does his job with class, and has the experience and leadership. He is ready to lead. He has also played many more years than Roethlisberger has in this league. He’s a field general. He’s a veteran. And really, don’t you want a veteran leading the way? I know I do. 

Ben Roethlisberger is a fuck.

Kurt Warner is an American, through and through. He’s played in St. Louis, one of this nation’s great blue collar towns. And now he has migrated to the great state of Arizona, which I have had the pleasure of representing in Congress literally since its inception into the Union in 1912. While Kurt Warner was working hard in America, Ben Roethlisberger recently took a vacation to Germany. Call me old fashioned, but I think the old “going to Germany” trip should only be done after a Super Bowl victory. I know that, Kurt Warner knows that, and I think you do to.

—
by Matt Powers, Phollegian Editor

Dear Diary,

Bristol had “morning sickness” today. So I says to her, “Bris, for the hundredth time, that ain’t morning sickness – that’s the hand of God punishing you for being a whore.” I mean, that’s what my mother always said to me. Ooh, that reminds me – I can’t forget to pay Levi tomorrow. Man, that boy drives a tough bargain – 800 bucks AND a yearly supply of chewing tobacco just to stick around. I feel like it’s Bristol’s Spring Fling dance all over again when I had to pay her cousin to be her date. Too bad those two never hit it off.

Anywho, I can’t believe the election is coming up so soon! It seems like just yesterday I was shooting geese in the forest with Todd as a young, folksy girl. But no, that wasn’t yesterday…yesterday we shot deer. On a crummy note, I lost all those flashcards John made for me about foreign policy and nuclear weapons Oh well, I’ve made it this far without knowing that poppycock, so I guess it can’t be that important.

I think I’ll go to WalMart tomorrow to buy some more perfume. I don’t care what anyone else says, the cheaper the price, the better the smell. I like that little headache I get when I wear it…it makes me feel alive. Plus, the more I wear around John, the less I smell the mothballs. So everyone wins! Speaking of winning, I hope we dooooo! WEEE!!!!

Hootin’ and a Hollerin’,
Sarah

—————————————-

Dear Diary,

I got contacts today! I never knew it was possible to see such details. Why didn’t anyone tell me that my wife looks like a wicked witch? I wish I had known this, but hey…she makes one hell of a Shepherd’s Pie. I’ll just have to start squinting when we make whoopee so she looks the way I used to see her. Speaking of Cindy, she and I were talking about buying another kid today. I told her if we did, I want one that can juggle. I think that’d be cool.

I had some reporter try to ask me about sex education yesterday again. She was a pretty little thing, so I smiled, winked and said, “I love Israel!” I learned that one from Sarah. But you know, I wish I could say what I REALLY feel. I mean, you can’t teach kids everything about sex or they’ll never learn anything! You have to go out there, try some stuff, catch some nasty things and learn from your own life experiences! Who do these kids think they are, wanting all this information about their own health and their bodies? Kids nowadays are zany!

Well, I gotta go walk at an alarmingly fast pace around D.C. and hope that some news station gets it on film. I love pretending I have important things to tend to!!! Little do they know the only thing I have on my agenda today is to get a Snickers bar and a slurpee from 7-11 later around 6:30 pm. I can’t wait!

Elderly yours,

Maverick

—————————————-

Dear Diary,

Joe and I went to Dr. Tranchlebaum yesterday for our bi-monthly ZOOM!® Teeth whitening treatment. Boy, is that a good time. We get to sit in adjacent dental lounge chairs. He always gives me such a case of the giggles because he tries to talk to me, but his mouth is stuck wide open! It’s such a preposterous notion to conceive he would be able to communicate during such a circumstance! Dr. Tranchlebaum’s hygienist, Patty, calls us her ebony and ivory doodlebugs and you know, I gotta tell you, it makes me feel special.

Ever since that Rite Aid employee presented me with a bottle of men’s hair dye and said something about ‘hope in a bottle,’ I’ve been realizing that my hair is, indeed, getting gray. Michelle says I look becoming and handsome. Tell me something I don’t know. Maybe the grayness will help me relate more to the older voters. Since they can’t get past the fact that I’m liberal or the fact that I’m black or the fact that they still can’t pronounce my name, maybe they’ll see the gray hair and realize that hey, maybe he’s not so different from us after all. I love seeing the glass as half full!

Those wall decals from Pottery Barn finally came yesterday! Suns, moons, smiley faces and rainbows. Little Malia and Sasha were so excited. That is, until I told them they were for Daddy. I can’t wait to put them up in my study – right around the life-sized portrait of my face. Today’s gonna be a good day.

Hugs and Kisses,
Barack

—

By Eden Reis, Phroth Phest Chair

1796: John Adams is elected as the second president of the United States, although election rules of the time dictated that political opponent Thomas Jefferson become his vice president. The two clash on issues such as westward expansion, the national debt, and who has to take out the garbage on what day.

1840: William Henry Harrison is elected, in large part due to a campaign painting his opponent, Martin Van Buren, as an elitist snob. Thankfully, we have moved beyond the days where campaigns are run with vapid personality-based attacks and phony, pandering personae.

1873: There was no presidential election in 1873.

1898: There wasn’t one here either.

1920: Socialist Candidate Eugene V. Debs receives 3.4 percent of the vote despite being in prison for the duration of his campaign. Debs advocated a radical redistribution of wealth, and watching My Super Sweet 16 on MTV (we here at Phroth think he was on to something).

1928: Democrat Al Smith becomes the first Catholic candidate on a major-party ticket, causing detractors to say that he would let the Vatican manage the nation’s affairs, an attack that Smith only made worse when he named Pope Pius XI as his running mate.

1948: Several newspapers run erroneous “Dewey Defeats Truman” headlines, including the Daily Collegian. However, the Collegian ran their headline a full weekafter all the election results came in.

1952: A supporter tells Democratic presidential candidate Adlai E. Stevenson “Every thinking man in the country is going to vote for you!”, to which Stevenson quipped “Thanks, but I’ll need a majority to win.” Stevenson lost with only 89 electoral votes, mostly to that bastion of intellectualism known as the Deep South.

1980: Ronald Reagan easily defeats Jimmy Carter during a period of recession. This would be the only time an actor would become president until George Clooney defeats Jenna Bush in 2020 (spoiler alert!).

2006: Robin Williams stars in a shitty movie about a comedian who runs for president.

——–

By Matt Woodward,
Phroth Staff Writer and Secretary