1. Watson is a Creeper

Solving this crime should be child’s play, dear Watson. You simply teleport to the periphery of the guilty party, until he at last goes mad from your haunting. Like clockwork!

2. Distraction

None of us know anything about Asian languages, but here’s what we could piece together about the plot of this game: you’re an adorable bird, trying to eat fruits and dodge rockets. You know, normal bird things. But these other animals are jealous of your cuteness, so they do everything they can to fuck your shit up.

3.  Big-Mouthed Guy Fits Entire Soda Can Into His Mouth

We don’t care if you get a God damn doctorate, you will never be as amazing as this man.

4. 21-year-old Weightlifter Tries to Squat 1008 lbs. at Sr. Nationals in Chicago; Projectile Vomits All Over Judge, Passes Out

There is nothing about this video that the title doesn’t tell you, yet it is magical every time you watch it.

5. So Many Blogs, So Little Time

We assure you, there is a blog for every fucking thing.

6. Baby Laugh-a-Lot

The first doll to be powered not by AA batteries, but by the nightmares of children.

7. Openbook

What’s your favorite part about Facebook? Did you say your friends’ self-indulgent, obsessive compulsive status updates about the mundane minutiae of their everyday lives? Well then you’re in luck, because Openbook now allows you to read the inane, mind numbing statuses of complete and total strangers! If anything, it will at least make you thankful for Twitter’s character limit.

8. This Man Will be the Next Oprah

This man is honestly the most inspiring individual the Phroth hivemind has ever encountered. If he receives his own show, we’d actually have a reason not to be ashamed when we get caught watching the Oprah Winfrey Network. Zach Anner, we salute you!

9. Best of BBC’s “Walk on the Wild Side”

Oh BBC, how do you work such magic? Why CNN can’t be more like you, we’ll never know.

10.  Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden

In the year 2053, in a world left devastated by the Chaos Dunk, Charles Barkley is societies last glimmer of hope.  The predictions made by this game are as unerring as they are chilling.

Special thanks go to Phroth writer Desmond Nathanson for creating 90% of this month’s list! Apparently everyone else is too busy this summer with their fancy internships and jobs and families to tirelessly search the internet for videos of adorable animals falling asleep, but at least Desmond has his priorities straight!

1. Former Silph Co. Employee Answers Your Questions

Finally, one of those bastards comes forward and admits their fuck-up in the Team Rocket debacle.

2. Cute Things Falling Asleep

Whenever your girlfriend is pissed at you, you show her this site. It will always make her feel good and forget what she’s angry about. And, unlike your girlfriend, this site is real.

3. Crab Revenge

Sweet Baby Jesus in the Manger, this may just take the cake for most WTF way to get back at a cheater. Seriously, we can’t think of anything more diabolical.

4.  Super Obama World

Mario and Obama collide in this startling criticism of the President’s refusal to properly reform princess kidnapping laws.

5. Fake Yo-Yo Trickster Fools TV Stations

This man has been hitting up Wisconsin news stations claiming to be a yo-yo champion, then about 30 seconds into the interview, can’t do a single trick. May this be a lesson to all you journalism majors: fact check that shit.

6. Todd Davis’ Social Security Number is 457-55-5462

What happens when a man publishes his social security number across the Internet? Everyone steals it. Thanks to us, you can too!

DISCLAIMER: Stealing someone’s social security number is illegal, so please don’t actually do it. Unless you’re in the Ukraine or something. No laws out there.

7. How to Make a Giant Kit-Kat

This is what happens when Oompa Loompas use performance-enhancing drugs.

8. Worst Wedding DJ Ever

What Phil Collins always had in mind when he wrote “In the Air Tonight”.

9.  Beer Olympics

WHY HAVE WE NOT HAD A BEER OLYMPICS YET?!

10.  Damage Plan’s Man’s Worst Enemy

“You Got Served” was nearly our favorite movie of all time, but it lacked one thing: a guy in a dog suit. Now if they just splice this clip into the movie, our lives will be complete.

1. JC is JC

This blogger theorizes that James Cameron, director of Avatar and Titanic, is actually Jesus Christ, legendary son of god, etc, etc. She has a website which outlines her scientific proof which includes a comparison of their resumes, something about Cameron’s semen, and Discovery Channel TV special. In short, it is…hilarious.

2. A Trailer for Every Academy Award Winning Movie Ever

In my humble opinion this movie was thoroughly overrated, but that one guy in it was the bomb.

3. Barbie Furries @ CrappyTaxidermy.com

This is one of those instances of a picture speaking a thousand words. In this case, those thousand words are “HOLYSHITWTFBBQ!!!!1?/!” repeated a thousand times.

4. Woman Aims to Become the World’s Fattest Woman

(What we assume Lori Beth Denberg from “All That” looks like now)

There are a handful of things that you can be the “best” at that actually make you the worst. Take this woman, for example she gets a few prizes: worst health, worst method of transportation (give you a clue, it’s not walking), and worst way of making money (it involves the Internet, and not the good side of it.)

5. Lion King Toy Fail

The video title is sorely mistaken. If you go down to Canal Street in Chinatown, NY and get the “limited edition” Lion King from Rico (tell him we sent you) the DVD you get is about 95% identical to this toy.

6. Gun-Mounted Gun

Any testosterone-charged NRA member can tell you that great things come in pairs: boobs, hands, your balls. But for too long they have suffered with only one pathetic fully automatic rifle. How we’re supposed to kill terrorists with such a crippling handicap has been a cause of many a sleepless night. Well, they can sleep soundly now, as now your rifle can have a mounted handgun. Now you can take out Osama bin Laden with one gun as you plow through health care reform with the other. The second amendment has never felt so empowering!

7. Ben Folds Does Chatroulette at a Concert

Dear reader, this is the Chatroulette to beat all Chatroulettes. The Internet can retire now, because this is its peak.

8. Gary Oak’s Raticate, we hardly knew ye

(http://i.imgur.com/o7wzn.jpg)

This new perspective on Pokemon Red/Blue will open your eyes and hearts to the rival’s plight. Never again will you gloat as your Venusaur solar beams his Charizard into submission.

9. Run Jesus Run (or The 10 Second Gospel)

(http://www.molleindustria.org/runjesusrun/run_jesus_run.html)

Sleep through Sunday School? Raised Jewish? Vote Democrat? Don’t worry, your sins can be absolved in 10 seconds or less! Who needs holy cleansing when you’ve got online gaming?

10. Japanese Comedians Impersonate 80’s American Singers, Cover “We Are The World”

When was the last time the Boss sounded this good?

1. Don’t Shit Your Pants

(http://www.kongregate.com/games/Rete/dont-shit-your-pants?sfa=reddit&referrer=baronvonbadguy)

I bet you loved the Sims. Going around, doing the mundane bullshit of our world in the digital world. Well this game has distilled what made the Sims great and given it to you.

2. What Can’t Dolph Lundgren Do?

This performance from the 2010 Melodifestivalen plays like a musical resume for Dolph Lundgren (of Rocky IV fame) as he shows the audience and all potential future employers his vocal talent, his karate skills, his ability to look smashing in a tux, his mid-song drum freakout, and his ability to follow very basic choreography. For someone who once played He-Man, this comes off as a little bit desperate and entirely hilarious.

3. How To Report The News

Well, it’s how to report the news. Maybe not the funniest thing in the world, but I had a good chuckle when I watched this in English.

4. The Crying Wife

You know how at the end of a movie, there are people clapping, and you think, “What a bunch of assholes.” Well guess what? This woman fucking cries.

Phrothie Says: I cried during Click, but not because it was a sad movie, but because it was fucking terrible.

5. Arguably the Craziest Voicemail One Could Ever Receive

Click to listen: http://scottrope.typepad.com/scott_rope/files/voice_mail.mp3

If the person who brought this to our attention is to be believed, then this voicemail actually went to the Jack in the Box head office. Since he’s from the internet, we’re sure it’s legit.

6. Dave Eats a Giant Waterbug for $40

This, children, is why you go to college (satellite campuses don’t count).

7. Little Kid Kind of Sings Jason Mraz

Well, it certainly isn’t any worse than an actual Jason Mraz song.

8. Conan O’Brien is on Twitter!

As a comedy organization we would be remiss to leave Conan O’Brien’s recent foray into the Twitterverse off this list. Sure, the unemployed funnyman has only tweeted 7 times since joining, but we certainly don’t want to miss even one hilarious quip from the unemployed comedian.

9. Axe Cop

(Read it here)

Written by a 5-year-old and illustrated by his 29-year-old brother, we present this as undeniable proof that our creativity peaks in childhood. I mean a cop with an axe? C’mon!

10. The Worst Site on the Internet

WARNING! THE INFORMATION ON THIS PAGE CANNOT BE UNSEEN.

Your clue:

Click here if you dare: http://ijpeffwa.friendsofsmash.co.uk/

I know what you’re thinking, “No way. They cannot have found the worst page on the Internet, the Internet is like a bazillion pages big.” Well guess what, we have a graduate computer engineer who’s got this to say: “Fuck yourself, bazillion isn’t a number. If it were, then that’s how many cocks this page would suck.”

1. Whorish Face

A shallow pop song + religious group – singing ability = musical gold (“Lady Gay-Gay, you’re not God”)

2. Ancient Chinese Letter of Apology After Drunken Debauchery

(Texts from last night circa 850 AD)

I bet you thought you were the first one who came up with the excuse “I was blacked out.” Let me tell you, that story is older than Jesus. Seriously.

3. Paleontologists Discover Skeleton of Nature’s First Sexual Predator

The prehistoric ancestor to all of Phroth’s writers.

4. The Shake Weight

How to save money if you’re a woman: Grab the nearest male by the junk and move your hands up and down the shaft in a smooth, firm motion. Bonus: Protein shake at the end.
How to save money if you’re a man: Keep on jackin’ it.

5. Weight Watchers Clinic Floor Collapses under Dieters

“The floor of a Weight Watchers clinic in Sweden collapsed beneath a group of 20 members of the weight loss programme who were gathered for a meeting.”

Thank you, Universe, for doing my job for me.

(more…)

1. Jersey Shore on MTV

There is nothing about this show that isn’t fantastic. From the overblown personalities and hairstyles to the improper use of the word “classy” (i.e. “at least wear a thong bikini…that’s a little more classy”) and nicknames like “Snookie,” “JWOWW,” and “The Situation,” Jersey Shore has something* for everyone**.

*in this case, “something” refers to: chlamydia, syphilis, herpes, genital warts, and a rollicking good time.
**unless you’re the kind of “everyone” who only watches MTV reality shows to watch girls getting socked in the face.

2. What the Hell is Wrong with Nick Arcade?

Did Nickelodeon have some sort of screening process that rooted out the dumb motherfuckers so as to make sure nobody won anything other than all those copies of Encyclopedia Britannica?

Phrothie Says: If there is no scientific research that bad 90’s haircuts (i.e. “The Flattop”) and stupidity are linked, look no further than this video. You’re welcome, science.

3. Let Us Identify the Faggots and Then Inform Them of Their Status

“As to the initial step, it is a relatively straightforward one, as there are a number of telltale signs to distinguish the faggot from the non-faggot, i.e., you, me, your bros, etc. For instance: if he is wearing sports paraphernalia from a team other than the team we favor; if he is wearing clothes that are not sports-related at all; if he is holding a book or, worse yet, reading it. We must be mindful of whether he has faggoty hair or clothes or appears to be in the presence of faggots exhibiting these traits.” - (The Onion)

Just moments after this article was published, the writer was awarded the key to the city of Philadelphia.

4. Unrelated Captions

(http://unrelatedcaptions.com)

Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!

5. Keanu Reeves, Reporter

Keanu Reeves: Not acting since at least the mid-80’s.

6. In the Hierarchy of Bloopers, Fishing Bloopers are King

Murphy’s law in action. Right here. How did this guy even get a show? Sure, he knows his stuff…but he’s gonna kill everyone on set in the process!

(Via Gawker)

7. Kid Licks Pole on a Dare, Inevitable Occurs

God fucking dammit, Timmy! Didn’t “A Christmas Story” teach you anything?

8. To the guy in my closet, you don’t have AIDS

“BTW, you might still want to get your self tested since my wife is a dirty whore.” –(Craigslist)

Oh, Craigslist, how did we function as a society without you?

9. Dumb Women Pushes Fire Button

Hilarity ensues.

10. An animated video of Patton Oswalt’s “Christmas Shoes” Joke

How do you improve a joke about a man masturbating to women’s shoes? Create an animated visual of it.

1. Article: “New Theories in Boob Murder” [source: wearecentralpa.com]

This is actually just a news story about the murder of some guy named Samuel Boob, but for the five glorious seconds before learning that in this case, “boob” is a dead guy’s last name…your inner twelve-year-old’s imagination can run wild.

2. This picture:

We don’t really have a comment for this one…the image alone is hilarious enough.

3. Article: “NY Family is Pussy Whipped” [source: NYPost.com]

This article about a NY family held captive in their home by their own cat starts with “What a CAT-astrophe!” and ends with “I just don’t want people to think she’s a bad cat.” Everything in between is just pure, pun-filled comedy gold.

4. The Muppets sing Bohemian Rhapsody

The cutest version of this song ever.

If you want proof that Phroth does not always take the cynical, snarky perspective on everything, this would be it.

5. The Bloodninja Archives (NSFW)

Bloodninja is the AIM alias of an internet genius who trolled the web messing with people who were looking for a quick cybersex hookup. The logs themselves are hilarious — most notably, there is a moment in which he tells his partner that he has “just popped like 16 boners” and another in which he accidentally talks to the same person twice — but even more hilarious are the things he gets his victims to do or say in the process. Definitely worth checking out for a good laugh.

click here to read the rest of the Bloodninja archives.

6. The Oatmeal: How Twilight Works

http://theoatmeal.com/story/twilight

This analysis of Twilight is written better than the book itself… not that that’s saying much.

7. Article: “Gay-bashing Woman Humiliated for Wearing Hideous Skirt” [source: thefbomb.org]

Homosexuality is a sin, but we think the real sinner is the woman in the ugly ass skirt. God weeps at those.

8. New Moon (In a Minute)

Comparing making fun of Twilight to shooting fish in a barrel grossly understates the precision and focus required to shoot said fish in said barrel.

9. Elizabeth Lambert vs BYU (Let the Bodies Hit the Floor)

This girl needs to get laiiiiiiiiid.

10. Autocompleteme.com

You know how Google likes to guess what you’re searching for as you type? A lot of times, yes, Google guesses right. But sometimes Google is wrong and the results are hilarious. Autocompleteme.com is a blog featuring some of the best, funniest, and weirdest results people have come across while surfing the web.

Until next time, LET MIRTH PREVAIL!

1. 4 Year-Old “Rizzo” recites the pre-game speech from “The Miracle”

This isn’t funny so much as it is adorable…but there is something undeniably and inherently humorous about a little kid screaming about Soviets.

2. Probably Bad News: News fails, because journalism isn’t dying fast enough
[Probably Bad News]

(If only it were true)

It warms our hearts that The Collegian isn’t the only newspaper that is filled with inane stories and a complete lack of copy-editing.

3. Larry goes to the market

What do you get when you cross security footage of a drunk guy with silent film? Uncut hilarity.

4. A Midwife’s Tale

Is it educational? Is it erotic? Is it eroticational©? Whatever it is, that girl has a bright future ahead of her. (Technically SFW, but if your boss comes in at the wrong moment, then it is very NSFW)

Phrothie Says: This is the sexiest thing PBS has aired since that episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood where Mr. Rogers’ doesn’t wear a sweater.

5. Fat Kid in a Skate Bowl

Fat kid can’t escape a skate bowl. How did he get there? I don’t know. Why is he there? For our entertainment.

(more…)

1. Obama is a robot

Twenty seconds of photos where the man’s smile never falters or deviates. May God help us all.

Phrothies Says: See, we told you he wasn’t American. Everyone knows all robots are made in Japan. Also, robots don’t have birth certificates.

2. Frog found in Pepsi can, forces CNN to make terrible pun

I must applaud cnn.com for their well placed “hopping mad” pun. Other than that, this article is pretty heinous.

3. Glenn Beck boils a frog (no, seriously)

First of all, this is disturbing beyond belief. Second of all, it’s been a pretty shitty month for amphibians…they’re putting themselves through a lot this month just to make us laugh. First the soda can…now this.

4. Muse phones it in

Muse was told they had to lip sync their song on some Italian show. So they swap instruments and have fun with it.

5. Stress disease kills Australia’s koalas

The first round of term papers and exams really got to those small bears.

Phrothie Says: Just wait until they have to take CAS100…

6. Rick Santorum running for President, maybe

Former Senator/crazy man Rick Santorum might be running for president. Let’s just hope he gets far enough in the primaries for us to see his children cry. Again.

7. Obligatory dumb Yahoo Answers question of the month

I was going to do some testing on this, but I couldn’t get anyone come into my “lab.”

See the always enjoyable Answer section here.

8. Megabot, Episode 1
Megabot, Ep. 1

This new weekly series hosted by atom.com is a spot-on power rangers parody. The megabot team is out to save the world, or burn in heck trying. [NSFW Language]

9. Turkeys Terrorize Neighborhood

Thanksgiving will never be the same again.

10. Live Action Bert and Ernie

Your childhood, ruined.

1. Florida Man Blames Cat For Downloading Child Pornography

(Sexual Deviant)

We found this article during one of our routine searches for Cats + Child Porn.

Phrothie Says: I blamed my ferret and it worked…

2. Phroth’s Person of the Month

This crusader of democracy cuts through the bullshit health care debate and addresses the real issues. And to all those who think recently confirmed Supreme Court Justice Sotomayor should be the Person of the Month, we have this to say: “Her?”

3. Shit My Dad Says

Justin, a 28 year old living with his 73 year old father tweets all the ridiculous things his father says. This is so worth checking out. He’s like a real life Homer Simpson.

See more insightful tweets here.

Phrothie Says: Old people say the darndest things.

4. Get Metsmerized

Well Mets fans, at least your team is awful in a different way now.

5. YahooLaughs.com — How can I test if my son is gay?

The question is funny but that answer takes the cake.

6. The Office Kid

(Hey, he has to be doing something now.)

http://www.theofficekid.com/

For $20 this site sends you stuff that makes your coworkers think you have a kid (homemade pictures, doctor’s notes, etc) so you can have an excuse to skip work. $20!? Having a real kid and neglecting it sounds more cost effective to us.

7. DVD Rewinder

This machine takes your DVDs and literally spins them in reverse. It doesn’t play them in reverse. It simply spins them backwards while you watch the lights flash and listen to a pre-recorded sound effect of a tape rewinding. Seriously: “All disc and MP3 media are direct access and do not truly require “rewinding.” However, it is very fun to hear the sounds, and watch the lights of this product.”

8. Lame Book

http://www.lamebook.com/

A collection of various Facebook fails. They sure wont be running out of material any time soon.

9. Toto- Rosanna

Noah says: I find this funny EVERY MONTH. It’s so creepy! And the man dancing is spectacular.

10. 10 Things Phroth Found Phunny in July

…..And the space time continuum just collapsed in on itself