Don’t use the word alumni as a singular noun
So you’re a member of the alumni association. That’s cool, but there’s only one of you, almost like some sort of magical snow flake. But guess what, snow flake, alumni is a plural noun, so you’re an alumnus or an alumna. Pick one of those two and stick to it.

Fight Ohio State Students
So the professional world is legally required to say they “frown upon pugilism.” Of course, the real world doesn’t know what “pugilism” means, so you need to get shithoused and kick the shit out of every one of those Ohio State Alumni. In the work place. While drunk.

Eat Pizza at 3 A.M.
I know, I know, it’s not quite Canyon and for that I’m eternally sorry. But medical science has proven that pizza is the one and only thing that can prevent a hangover. Anything less and your headaches will be splitting and your vomit will be everywhere.

Visit, Dammit
Those tickets on Craigslist are $300 for a reason. Because you throw way too much money to see our quarterback throw the ball to the wrong team. However, that money is necessary for Phroth to buy our books (beer) so please keep buying those tickets.

Shout “WE ARE!”
Part of you is probably saying, “But this isn’t Beaver Canyon, no one will know what I’m talking about.” Another part of you is already shaping your lips to cry out the “we.” We’re pretty sure we have a psychobiology major on staff, and he or she says the first part of your brain is insane. I mean come on, the “b” sound and the “w” sound aren’t even close together. Your rational brain needs to get with it.

Get a job
Just kidding. Graduate school is your best bet.

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By Desmond Nathanson, Staff Writer

After a disappointing 21-10 loss to the University of Iowa, many Nittany Lions fans were left wondering how they could lose in their own stadium during a whiteout. After examining video footage from dozens of cameras and interviewing thousands of people in attendance, researchers believe they found an answer.

Apparently, Woodrow Kruse (junior- history) did not comply with the game’s theme and wear all white. A friend of his told us “He thought he was wearing all white, but under closer scrutiny, his shirt and pants were clearly eggshell, maybe ivory at best”. Some theorize that Kruse’s wardrobe was originally white, but he put them in the wash with colored clothes, causing other colors to bleed onto it. Others believe that he is simply a dumbass.

This is not the first time Penn State’s football team has lost because of the actions of a singular fan. In a 2007 game against Ohio State, the Lions lost after one student failed to crack open their glowstick at the correct moment. Other games were hindered by attendees failing to sing along with “Song 2″ by Blur or by coming in sober.

Phroth would like to note that they do not condone tarring and feathering people. But we’ll make an exception in this case. If you see him, feel free to do whatever.

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By Matt Woodward, Blog Editor