No, your eyes don’t deceive you. In this little blog entry, I’m going to give you a few pointers on how to be one of the coolest kids at dear old State. But before I begin sharing all my secrets and tips with the downtrodden of the internet, I would like to tell you a personal story.

You see, back in 5th grade, I wasn’t exactly the stallion you know and love today. After a particular brutal beating from 2nd grade bully and self-proclaimed playground king Johannes Fitzgerald, I sought my father’s advice. I will never forget the words he spoke.

He told me, “Son, in times like this, the best thing you can do is just be yourself.” It was at that moment when I realized my father was an idiot.

“Hey dad!? I’m 4’ 3”, terrible at sports, and donning Oshkosh overalls. Fuck this!”

And that’s the point in my life when I began my quest to become as cool as a goddamn Popsicle. And because I know how it feels like to be in your scenario, I’m going to give you a few steps to be almost as radical as me.

Step #1 Grow a mustache

What are you, twelve? You’re in college now, grow some facial hair for god sakes. And I’m not talking about some half-assed stubble around your chin and neck. I’m talking about a full grown, awe inspiring, Wilford Brimley mustache. Mustaches are the pinnacle of everything awesome.

I remember a sad moment in my life where I didn’t know the power of the stache. When I was a sophomore in high school, I couldn’t get a chick if my uncool life depended on it. In fact, my older brother was hogging all the glory and banging the cheerleader in my chemistry class.

I remember one night, I solemnly thought, “What does he have that I don’t…” It was then that I decided to stop being such a pussy. I manned up, grew a mustache, and told all the girls in my grade that my brother had Chlamydia. It’s been smooth sailing ever since, although I can’t remember the last time my brother got laid.

Step #2 Buy some sunglasses

Back in the day, all you needed to be cool was a leather jacket and a Fonz-like personality. But a lot has changed since those simple times. To be respected among your peers in the new millennium, you need some killer shades. You see, to be cool, you must hide your eyes from the public. This shady yet promiscuous new look will get everyone wondering, “What does this badass have to hide?”

One time, I accidentally wore my sunglasses to my Cousin Bill’s wedding. Not only did I hook up with every bridesmaid there, but Bill’s wife-to-be ended up leaving him. Turns out she had fallen in love with his sunglasses-wearing cousin. Sorry bill, but your eyes just don’t leave much to the imagination.

Step #3 Get a lot of money

Forget the last steps I just told you. They’re stupid. The simple fact is that it doesn’t matter who you are or what you do with your life. What matters is how much cash you have laying around. Homeless people might tell you that money doesn’t buy you happiness, which is technically true. Money can only buy you so much: friends, awesome gadgets, lap dances, a mustache…the list goes on and on. But most importantly, it makes you cool. And I know right now you’re thinking, “Oh shit! I’m in college and I have no money! I’m ruined!” Snap out of it sissy! If you happen to be down on your luck and broke, here are a few easy ways to get the money to get you back on easy street:

• Find out the life insurance policies of all relatives closest to you. If it sounds like a good offer, I suggest you take matters into your own hands.
• What’s your roommate’s economic situation? Better yet, where does he keep his wallet? Taking a $20 or two never hurt anyone. And most likely his parents pay the bill on his credit card. Why don’t you run down to that sunglasses shop while he’s sleeping?
• There are literally thousands of dollars at your local banks. I’m not telling you what to do, but you should definitely try to rob one.
• If all else fails, get a job. Then, take the money in the register when no one’s looking.

And there you have it folks, three simple ways to be the cool. And just remember, it’s not about what other people say to you, it’s what they say behind your back. And hopefully what they’re saying is, “Damn, I wish I was as cool as that dude. Maybe I should have sex with him.”

Written by Matthew Radlow, Phroth Writing Staff