Hey fornicators,

So I was reading the Collegian the other day and I came across this story about visiting preachers. I was so mad that I nearly spit out my Jesus Juice (the only acceptable beverage, water is for heathens).

First Bro comes back and steals my thunder by threatening to stab some kid, now these loons get a front page story written about them? I bet you they’re not even crazy. They probably think the Earth is more than 6,000 years old and that evolution is a reasonable theory. They’ve probably never even had a conversation with Jesus.

Why can’t ol’ Gary get any love? Do you people not realize the sacrifices I’ve made for you all? I’ve devoted my life to yelling at you guys for having sex and drinking, and this is how you people repay me? Seeing other preachers? I’m an institution here people, like JoePa or the Masked Masturbator. I even argue with those frickin’ atheist kids everyday for Christ sakes. Believe me, these kids don’t be believe in God or basic hygiene. It’s fucking disgusting.

Seriously, how many people do you really need to tell you you’re going to hell? Were these new preachers there for you that one time you thought you were clever and funny and started an argument about evolution? Did they expose you to be the giant ass hat you were? No, of course not, they were at some other school telling some other kids that all fags are going to burn for all eternity. But me? I’ve got dedication. I was there for you rain, snow and shine to reassure you that you’ll never get into heaven.

So please, stop by for a visit every once in a while. You know where to find me.

Now stop fucking each other goddammit!

————–

By Andrew Cass, Staff Writer