1. Whorish Face

A shallow pop song + religious group – singing ability = musical gold (“Lady Gay-Gay, you’re not God”)

2. Ancient Chinese Letter of Apology After Drunken Debauchery

(Texts from last night circa 850 AD)

I bet you thought you were the first one who came up with the excuse “I was blacked out.” Let me tell you, that story is older than Jesus. Seriously.

3. Paleontologists Discover Skeleton of Nature’s First Sexual Predator

The prehistoric ancestor to all of Phroth’s writers.

4. The Shake Weight

How to save money if you’re a woman: Grab the nearest male by the junk and move your hands up and down the shaft in a smooth, firm motion. Bonus: Protein shake at the end.
How to save money if you’re a man: Keep on jackin’ it.

5. Weight Watchers Clinic Floor Collapses under Dieters

“The floor of a Weight Watchers clinic in Sweden collapsed beneath a group of 20 members of the weight loss programme who were gathered for a meeting.”

Thank you, Universe, for doing my job for me.

(more…)

1. Charlie Sheen
   1a. Charlie Sheen plays a character named Charlie who is based loosely on an actor named Charlie Sheen
2. The kid isn’t cute anymore was never cute.
3. It has a laugh track.
4. Megan Fox was a guest star.
5. It features hilarious, creative jokes like this
   Berta: (reading title of book) Cooking for Dummies.
   Charlie: No offense, Jake, I’m actually cooking for everybody.
6. Your dad undoubtedly likes it, which means he’ll force you to watch it and laugh at the jokes that make you cry on the inside.
7. The other guy, who isn’t Charlie Sheen.
8. More people watch it than watch your favorite show.
9. I’m never going to get those 13 minutes back.
10. I have to write about “Two and a Half Men,” for a Phroth blog. Why did this happen?

————–
By Rebecca Eisenberg, Matt Woodward, Brandon Scott Wolf, Matt Powers and Jeremy Popkin

Recently, many things have been rebranded. Pizza Hut has become “The Hut”, Radio Shack has become “The Shack”, and the History Channel has become “History”. Taking this trend into effect, Phroth has predicted upcoming name changes for other companies.

• Jack in the Box –> J in the B
• Best Buy –> The Buy

Coca-Cola –> Cca.-Cla.

• Starbucks –> The Arbucks
• Krispy Kreme –> KKK

The nation of Tajikistan –> T.J. Maxx

• The Food Network –> NOMNOMNOM.

Domino’s Pizza –> Crap

————–

By Matt Woodward and Rebecca Eisenberg

Wish: To be on the front page of the newspaper
The Catch: It’s reporting on your death by autoerotic asphyxiation in the middle of a crowded place

Wish: To get a 100 on an exam
The Catch: It’s out of 300 points

Wish: For the world to get rid of its nuclear weapon
The Catch: They do so by launching them directly at your house.

Wish: A lifetime supply of donuts
The Catch: You die tomorrow. Not because of irony, because the donuts are high in fat and will give you a heart attack

Wish: To live forever
The Catch: You have just been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s

Wish: To have a servant tasked specifically with hand-feeding you grapes while you recline in the sun
The Catch: She doesn’t shave her pits.

Wish: Unlimited free groceries for the rest of your college career
The Catch: They’re all vegetables

Wish: To be a celebrity
The Catch: It’s because of a sex tape

Wish: Sex with a porn star.
The Catch: Gay porn.

Wish: To never forget anything you learn in class.
The Catch: The professor covers an in-depth photo montage of oozing sores.

Wish: To have a Bluetooth head set.
The Catch: You’re a douchebag. No, you in real life. Wanting a Bluetooth makes you a flaming sack of douche.

Wish: To be the funniest person alive.
The Catch: Researchers discover laughter causes cancer.

Wish: To know everything.
The Catch: Nobody likes a know-it-all, so shut the fuck up.

————–

By Matt Woodward, Rebecca Eisenberg and Desmond Nathanson

1. Article: “New Theories in Boob Murder” [source: wearecentralpa.com]

This is actually just a news story about the murder of some guy named Samuel Boob, but for the five glorious seconds before learning that in this case, “boob” is a dead guy’s last name…your inner twelve-year-old’s imagination can run wild.

2. This picture:

We don’t really have a comment for this one…the image alone is hilarious enough.

3. Article: “NY Family is Pussy Whipped” [source: NYPost.com]

This article about a NY family held captive in their home by their own cat starts with “What a CAT-astrophe!” and ends with “I just don’t want people to think she’s a bad cat.” Everything in between is just pure, pun-filled comedy gold.

4. The Muppets sing Bohemian Rhapsody

The cutest version of this song ever.

If you want proof that Phroth does not always take the cynical, snarky perspective on everything, this would be it.

5. The Bloodninja Archives (NSFW)

Bloodninja is the AIM alias of an internet genius who trolled the web messing with people who were looking for a quick cybersex hookup. The logs themselves are hilarious — most notably, there is a moment in which he tells his partner that he has “just popped like 16 boners” and another in which he accidentally talks to the same person twice — but even more hilarious are the things he gets his victims to do or say in the process. Definitely worth checking out for a good laugh.

click here to read the rest of the Bloodninja archives.

6. The Oatmeal: How Twilight Works

http://theoatmeal.com/story/twilight

This analysis of Twilight is written better than the book itself… not that that’s saying much.

7. Article: “Gay-bashing Woman Humiliated for Wearing Hideous Skirt” [source: thefbomb.org]

Homosexuality is a sin, but we think the real sinner is the woman in the ugly ass skirt. God weeps at those.

8. New Moon (In a Minute)

Comparing making fun of Twilight to shooting fish in a barrel grossly understates the precision and focus required to shoot said fish in said barrel.

9. Elizabeth Lambert vs BYU (Let the Bodies Hit the Floor)

This girl needs to get laiiiiiiiiid.

10. Autocompleteme.com

You know how Google likes to guess what you’re searching for as you type? A lot of times, yes, Google guesses right. But sometimes Google is wrong and the results are hilarious. Autocompleteme.com is a blog featuring some of the best, funniest, and weirdest results people have come across while surfing the web.

Until next time, LET MIRTH PREVAIL!

You call yourself a true Penn State fan? Think you piss blue and white? Well, you’re not a true fan unless you have at least one of each of these items.

1. Penn State stethoscope cover

http://www.pennstateroom.com/index.cfm? … rodId=3871

2. 36″ Lion Tail

http://www.pennstateclothes.com/istar.a … ONTAIL!118

3. Penn State Shuffleboard table

(We’d put the picture here, but the company’s pictures are copyrighted. Because, you know, pictures of shuffleboard tables are always being used illegally.)

http://www.goldstargames.com/Penn_State_Nittany_Lions_Shuffleboard_Table_p/shuffleboard76.htm

4. Penn State cologne- “The fragrance exudes Penn State blue and signifies masculinity, passion and honor.” The person who had to write up this description has the most soul-sucking job ever. Just read it. It’s awful.

http://www.psualumnistore.com/8157-mpsuf.html

5. 16oz Soda Can glass cup- It’s a glass cup shaped like a soda can. This is perhaps the least classy form of semi-classy drinkwear.

http://www.lions-pride.com/istar.asp?a=6&id=2022!RFSJ

6. Edible Penn State Message- Have you ever wanted a pizza with a navy blue Penn State logo printed on the cheese? Neither have we.

7. The “Team Toothbrush”

8. The calculator and stapler made of real football material- Incredibly bulky and exceptionally durable, but if you pull one of these out in class, you’re pretty much guaranteed to get beaten up by a nerd.

————–

By Rebecca Eisenberg, Editor-in-Chief

Over the past several years, Facebook has gone through several redesigns, adding amazing new features. Recently, they added a second news feed to give you up-to-the-minute updates on people you barely know friending people you don’t know. But, the Facebook team is just getting started, and will change the site in the following ways during the coming months:

-Every time a new item shows up on the Live Feed, Facebook will send you an e-mail and a phone call in the middle of class or dinner.

-Custom backgrounds will be enabled. Those who don’t specify a custom background will automatically get one of puke fetish pornography.

(You’re disappointed we didn’t go with the puke fetish visual aren’t you?)

-Photos that feature you doing a keg stand will be automatically forwarded to every employer in your state.

-Deactivating your account will direct you to a video of a sad puppy staring at you that you cannot close.

-You will be invited to every group on Facebook as soon as they are created, with the ability to simply leave all the ones you’re not interested in.

-Whenever you visit a friend’s page, they will get an update letting them know you’re stalking them as well as a suggested link to a fan page for “restraining orders.”

-Every time you add a new friend, 5 of their friends will automatically be added to your friends list.

-If a friend creates an event and doesn’t put you on the invite list, it will send a notification to you and everyone that you know to let them know that you weren’t invited.

-Despite requests to add a “dislike” button, Facebook will instead add a “I feel neutral about this” feature, which is basically the same as not commenting one way or the other.

-A third news feed will be added to give you up-to-the-minute updates on how your sister is doing in FarmVille.

-Facebook will only let you type 70 characters. “We oned-up the shit out of Twitter.”

-Pictures of your ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend will permanently be displayed at the top of your feed.

-Before ending a status update with “FML”, you will get a reminder that there are people starving in Africa.

-If you ignore the Mafia Wars adds, loan sharks will come to break your legs.

-All status updates automatically revert to the words “is doing something nobody really cares about.”

-Facebook will begin to log the number of times you sign in per day. Anyone who goes over five will be redirected to one of those government websites that tries to get fat kids to go outside and exercise.

-Facebook will send notifications to all your friends whenever you test positive for an STD. Stay safe!

-Any friends who have a different political orientation than you will be depicted with a Hitler mustache in their profile picture.

-Old ‘Poke!’ feature will be phased out and replaced with a new ‘Punch in the throat!’ feature, which becomes surprisingly useful in dealing with those people who make essay-long comments when anyone so much as mentions religion.

-You are now friends with your mom.

————–

By Matt Woodward, Erica Motter, Rebecca Eisenberg, Brandon Scott Wolf, Jeremy Popkin and Andrew Cass

Rock music has many urban legends associated with it. Some are untrue, while others are complete bullshit. But in the annals of rock history, there are several amazing revelations.

-The horse in the America song “A Horse With No Name” was actually named “Sparkleshine”

-”Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey fucking sucks ass. Stop playing it at all the parties I go to.

-New York jeweler Arthur Goldberg has been identified as the man who put the Bomp in the Bomp-A-Bomp-A-Bomp. However, he denies putting the Ring in the Ring-A-Ling-A-Ding-Dong

-The soprano sax was invented to simulate the sounds of screeching from the bowels of hell in orchestral pieces.

-The 1994 Pink Floyd album “The Division Bell” syncs up with the 1985 film “Return to Oz”

-Every Canadian musician is required to serve two years in Broken Social Scene

-French composer Frederick DeGualle became the first white person to steal music from black people, when he went on an African expedition in 1803, heard tribal rhythms, worked them into his next symphony, and passed it off as his own work.

-Recent albums by Lady Gaga, Flo Rida, and other hit acts can be purchased in the form of a wax cylinder or a midget (castrati optional) performing the songs for you.

-Speaking of Flo Rida, what the hell kind of rapper name is that? Sounds more like the name of a nineteenth century Southern belle, as in “Why, Flo Rida, that Kentucky colonel sure gives me the vapors!”

-Axl Rose has ordered that all existing copies of Chinese Democracy be destroyed because he realized he hit a bum note in “Shackler’s Revenge”. The corrected version is due to be released sometime in 2015.

-Stevie Nicks never actually imbibed cocaine anally. She did that with acid.

-Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana are actually the same person.

————–

By Matt Woodward, Blog  Editor

(Tied) 1. Thomas Jefferson (1790-1793)
T1. Edmund Jennings Randolph (1794-1795)
T1. Timothy Pickering (1795-1800)
T1. John Marshall (1800-1801)
T1. James Madison (1801-1809)
T1. Robert Smith (1809-1811)
T1. James Monroe (1811-1817)
T1. John Quincy Adams (1817-1825)
T1. Henry Clay (1825-1829)
T1. Martin Van Buren (1829-1831)
T1. Edward Livingston (1831-1833)
T1. Louis McLane (1833-1834)
T1. John Forsyth (1834-1841)
T1. Daniel Webster (1841-1843)
T1. Abel Parker Upshur (1843-1844)
T1. John Caldwell Calhoun (1844-1845)
T1. James Buchanan (1845-1849)
T1. John Middleton Clayton (1849-1850)
T1. Daniel Webster (1850-1852)
T1. Edward Everett (1852-1853)
T1. William Learned Marcy (1853-1857)
T1. Lewis Cass (1857-1860)
T1. Jeremiah Sullivan Black (1860-1861)
T1. William Henry Seward (1861-1869)
T1. Elihu Benjamin Washburne (1869-1869)
T1. William Maxwell Evarts (1877-1881)
T1. James Gillespie Blaine (1881-1881)
T1. Frederick Theodore Frelinghuysen (1881-1885)
T1. Thomas Francis Bayard (1885-1889)
T1. James Gillespie Blaine (1889-1892)
T1. John Watson Foster (1892-1893)
T1. Walter Quintin Gresham (1893-1895)
T1. Richard Olney (1895-1897)
T1. John Sherman (1897-1898)
T1. William Rufus Day (1898-1898)
T1. John Milton Hay (1898-1905)
T1. Elihu Root (1905-1909)
T1. Robert Bacon (1909-1909)
T1. Philander Chase Knox (1909-1913)
T1. William Jennings Bryan (1913-1915)
T1. Robert Lansing (1915-1920)
T1. Bainbridge Colby (1920-1921)
T1. Charles Evans Hughes (1921-1925)
T1. Frank Billings Kellogg (1925-1929)
T1. Henry Lewis Stimson (1929-1933)
T1. Cordell Hull (1933-1944)
T1. Edward Reilly Stettinius (1944-1945)
T1. James Francis Byrnes (1945-1947)
T1. George Catlett Marshall (1947-1949)
T1. Dean Gooderham Acheson (1949-1953)
T1. John Foster Dulles (1953-1959)
T1. Christian Archibald Herter (1959-1961)
T1. David Dean Rusk (1961-1969)
T1. William Pierce Rogers (1969-1973)
T1. Henry A. (Heinz Alfred) Kissinger (1973-1977)
T1. Cyrus Roberts Vance (1977-1980)
T1. Edmund Sixtus Muskie (1980-1981)
T1. Alexander Meigs Haig (1981-1982)
T1. George Pratt Shultz (1982-1989)
T1. James Addison Baker (1989-1992)
T1. Lawrence Sidney Eagleburger (1992-1993)
T1. Warren Minor Christopher (1993-1997)
T1. Madeleine Korbel Albright (1997-2001)
T1. Colin Luther Powell (2001-2005)
T1. Condoleezza Rice (2005-2009)
T1. Hillary Rodham Clinton (2009-present)

67. Hamilton Fish (1869-1877)

————–

By Matt Powers, Head Writer

1. 4 Year-Old “Rizzo” recites the pre-game speech from “The Miracle”

This isn’t funny so much as it is adorable…but there is something undeniably and inherently humorous about a little kid screaming about Soviets.

2. Probably Bad News: News fails, because journalism isn’t dying fast enough
[Probably Bad News]

(If only it were true)

It warms our hearts that The Collegian isn’t the only newspaper that is filled with inane stories and a complete lack of copy-editing.

3. Larry goes to the market

What do you get when you cross security footage of a drunk guy with silent film? Uncut hilarity.

4. A Midwife’s Tale

Is it educational? Is it erotic? Is it eroticational©? Whatever it is, that girl has a bright future ahead of her. (Technically SFW, but if your boss comes in at the wrong moment, then it is very NSFW)

Phrothie Says: This is the sexiest thing PBS has aired since that episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood where Mr. Rogers’ doesn’t wear a sweater.

5. Fat Kid in a Skate Bowl

Fat kid can’t escape a skate bowl. How did he get there? I don’t know. Why is he there? For our entertainment.

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