As a Penn State student, you are clearly one of the most inquisitive, knowledge seeking, and academically driven young people in the country. So to be constantly bombarded by Penn State lore from day one freshman year can be troubling. Because we know you are too busy to open up a wikipedia tab and find these answers, we here at Phroth have answered some of Penn State’s biggest head scratchers.

1. Just how old is Joe Pa?

Tough to say. Modern scholarship says Mr. Paterno is in his “Late Classical” period but this is only a guess at best. What we do know is that a “Joseph Paterno” both signed the Magna Carta and the ledger at Ellis Island (for “country of origin,” he wrote “none of your damn business”). His age is also dependent on whether you accept the “Paterno Triassic Theory” or not. Wikipedia says 83, but we can only guess this a conspiracy by the Catholic Church because Paterno is the missing link in Darwin’s theory.

2. Is Beaver Stadium really the biggest stadium in the world?

Well, yes and no. Technically North Korea’s Rungrado May Day Stadium is the largest and boasts a capacity of 150,000. But it’s never been full because at no point have 150,000 North Koreans not been imprisoned, in slave labor, or horrifically oppressive tenant farming to fill the seats. Also, North Korea has been known to lie about its nuclear program, so maybe its lying about its stadium too. I’ll believe it when those North Korean bastards finally lob a nuke over the Pacific. So yes, Beaver Stadium is the biggest stadium in the world (other than Yuva Bharati Krirangan in India of course).

3. How many students on average get lost in the stacks each year?

If they’re a Penn State student going to the library, nobody worth counting.

4. Who coined “We are Penn State!”?

After much scientific research, it has actually been discovered to be a phenomenon in the State College area. If one consumes at least 3.5 liters of a gin bucket or finishes an entire Four-Oh, the body’s first reaction is to shout this popular call and response chant.

5. Is it worth it to sleep with a sorority girl?

Ah yes, the age old “Pinto Paradox,” you’re guaranteed an in, but what about crabs? Well you can take the Phrothie patented Clitmus Test© (Is there a better word play than Clitmus? I hope so. My mom reads this blog.-Ed.) have her pee on the stick. If it turns beet red, then get ready for trouble. If it’s clear, then you’re in the clear.

6. Who is really Phrothie the Jester?

We aren’t really certain. However, we can provide this list of men who have not been seen in the same room as Phrothie the Jester:
Barack Obama
JoePa
Superman
Jesus Christ
Batman
Dolf Lundgren

7. Could JoePa make an offensive line so strong, he himself could not break it?

Theologians have debated this for years, with little ground gained on either side. We personally like to cite the Willard Preacher on this, “Blah blah, Jesus, blah blah blah, unborn children, blah blah, hell, blah blah, fuck Iowa.”

8. Does Graham Spanier really answer every e-mail sent to him personally?

Yes. His penis is one-hundred-and-thirty-four inches long and he has given his social security number to the presidents of nearly thirty fictional countries.

9. Is it true that every student must participate in THON?

No. Anybody who hates helping kids with cancer is perfectly free not to participate. See Phroth writer Jeremy Popkin for proof.

10. Why is the sky blue and white?

It’s called Rayleigh scattering. Look it up asshole.

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By Matt Powers, Desmond Nathanson, Rebecca Eisenberg and Jeremy Popkin

• If you keep making that face it will get stuck like that.
• Teachers have eyes in the backs of their heads.
• Everyone is special.
• Bullies are mean because they are insecure.

• The divorce wasn’t your fault.
• Bert and Ernie are just friends.

• Video games rot your brain.
• Your cat has gone to a better place (animals don’t have souls, silly!).
• You didn’t have to wear a dress and sit on your uncle Billy’s lap just because he was an adult and you had to do what he said.
• You can be President one day.

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By Desmond Nathanson, Matt Woodward, Andrew Cass and Rebecca Eisenberg

Proper etiquette requires one too many things, like maintain eye contact, dress properly, and many other bullshit customs The Man made up to keep us down. But the most important thing you can do it avoid divulging too much information during a conversation. Here are a few handy examples to know when you might have gone too far.

Just Right: I would like to be excused.
TMI: I would like to be excused, so I can barf up this casserole you just made me eat.

Just Right: I saw Jupiter and Saturn align last night.
TMI: I saw Jupiter and Saturn align last night while I was disposing of a dead body.

Just Right: I’m glad Bernie Maddoff is in jail.
TMI: I’m glad Bernie Maddoff is in jail. Not because he scammed people out of $50 billion, because he’s a Jew.

Just Right: This coffee tastes great!
TMI: This coffee tastes great, and I like it when foreign objects are inserted into my anus!

Just Right: The Internet is a wonderful source of information.
TMI: The Internet is a wonderful source of information, especially if you want to find out more about cake farts.

Just Right: I think I’m going bald.
TMI: I think I’m going bald. There’s hair everywhere in my house. It falls out in clumps when I take a shower, and gets stuck in the drain. It’s all tangled up, and smells like feet and soap scum. I brought some with me. Here, have a whiff!

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By Matt Woodward, Blog Editor

10. The Church of Raptor Jesus

9. Gay for God
The only homosexuality that should exist.

8. Standing outside Willard and shouting Scripture
Over 40,000 recruited.

7. Comics of the prophet Muhammad
This religion is for people.

6. Agnostic
What a pussy.

5. Pogs

(It’s not a game, it’s a way of life.)

4. 100% Kosher
Delicious.

3. The Power of Grayskull compels you

2. Real Jew-y
I mean the whole shebang.

1. Gun-Toting NASCAR Driving Jesus

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By Remington Law, Staff Writer

1. Whorish Face

A shallow pop song + religious group – singing ability = musical gold (“Lady Gay-Gay, you’re not God”)

2. Ancient Chinese Letter of Apology After Drunken Debauchery

(Texts from last night circa 850 AD)

I bet you thought you were the first one who came up with the excuse “I was blacked out.” Let me tell you, that story is older than Jesus. Seriously.

3. Paleontologists Discover Skeleton of Nature’s First Sexual Predator

The prehistoric ancestor to all of Phroth’s writers.

4. The Shake Weight

How to save money if you’re a woman: Grab the nearest male by the junk and move your hands up and down the shaft in a smooth, firm motion. Bonus: Protein shake at the end.
How to save money if you’re a man: Keep on jackin’ it.

5. Weight Watchers Clinic Floor Collapses under Dieters

“The floor of a Weight Watchers clinic in Sweden collapsed beneath a group of 20 members of the weight loss programme who were gathered for a meeting.”

Thank you, Universe, for doing my job for me.

(more…)

1. Charlie Sheen
   1a. Charlie Sheen plays a character named Charlie who is based loosely on an actor named Charlie Sheen
2. The kid isn’t cute anymore was never cute.
3. It has a laugh track.
4. Megan Fox was a guest star.
5. It features hilarious, creative jokes like this
   Berta: (reading title of book) Cooking for Dummies.
   Charlie: No offense, Jake, I’m actually cooking for everybody.
6. Your dad undoubtedly likes it, which means he’ll force you to watch it and laugh at the jokes that make you cry on the inside.
7. The other guy, who isn’t Charlie Sheen.
8. More people watch it than watch your favorite show.
9. I’m never going to get those 13 minutes back.
10. I have to write about “Two and a Half Men,” for a Phroth blog. Why did this happen?

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By Rebecca Eisenberg, Matt Woodward, Brandon Scott Wolf, Matt Powers and Jeremy Popkin

Recently, many things have been rebranded. Pizza Hut has become “The Hut”, Radio Shack has become “The Shack”, and the History Channel has become “History”. Taking this trend into effect, Phroth has predicted upcoming name changes for other companies.

• Jack in the Box –> J in the B
• Best Buy –> The Buy

Coca-Cola –> Cca.-Cla.

• Starbucks –> The Arbucks
• Krispy Kreme –> KKK

The nation of Tajikistan –> T.J. Maxx

• The Food Network –> NOMNOMNOM.

Domino’s Pizza –> Crap

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By Matt Woodward and Rebecca Eisenberg

Wish: To be on the front page of the newspaper
The Catch: It’s reporting on your death by autoerotic asphyxiation in the middle of a crowded place

Wish: To get a 100 on an exam
The Catch: It’s out of 300 points

Wish: For the world to get rid of its nuclear weapon
The Catch: They do so by launching them directly at your house.

Wish: A lifetime supply of donuts
The Catch: You die tomorrow. Not because of irony, because the donuts are high in fat and will give you a heart attack

Wish: To live forever
The Catch: You have just been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s

Wish: To have a servant tasked specifically with hand-feeding you grapes while you recline in the sun
The Catch: She doesn’t shave her pits.

Wish: Unlimited free groceries for the rest of your college career
The Catch: They’re all vegetables

Wish: To be a celebrity
The Catch: It’s because of a sex tape

Wish: Sex with a porn star.
The Catch: Gay porn.

Wish: To never forget anything you learn in class.
The Catch: The professor covers an in-depth photo montage of oozing sores.

Wish: To have a Bluetooth head set.
The Catch: You’re a douchebag. No, you in real life. Wanting a Bluetooth makes you a flaming sack of douche.

Wish: To be the funniest person alive.
The Catch: Researchers discover laughter causes cancer.

Wish: To know everything.
The Catch: Nobody likes a know-it-all, so shut the fuck up.

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By Matt Woodward, Rebecca Eisenberg and Desmond Nathanson

1. Article: “New Theories in Boob Murder” [source: wearecentralpa.com]

This is actually just a news story about the murder of some guy named Samuel Boob, but for the five glorious seconds before learning that in this case, “boob” is a dead guy’s last name…your inner twelve-year-old’s imagination can run wild.

2. This picture:

We don’t really have a comment for this one…the image alone is hilarious enough.

3. Article: “NY Family is Pussy Whipped” [source: NYPost.com]

This article about a NY family held captive in their home by their own cat starts with “What a CAT-astrophe!” and ends with “I just don’t want people to think she’s a bad cat.” Everything in between is just pure, pun-filled comedy gold.

4. The Muppets sing Bohemian Rhapsody

The cutest version of this song ever.

If you want proof that Phroth does not always take the cynical, snarky perspective on everything, this would be it.

5. The Bloodninja Archives (NSFW)

Bloodninja is the AIM alias of an internet genius who trolled the web messing with people who were looking for a quick cybersex hookup. The logs themselves are hilarious — most notably, there is a moment in which he tells his partner that he has “just popped like 16 boners” and another in which he accidentally talks to the same person twice — but even more hilarious are the things he gets his victims to do or say in the process. Definitely worth checking out for a good laugh.

click here to read the rest of the Bloodninja archives.

6. The Oatmeal: How Twilight Works

http://theoatmeal.com/story/twilight

This analysis of Twilight is written better than the book itself… not that that’s saying much.

7. Article: “Gay-bashing Woman Humiliated for Wearing Hideous Skirt” [source: thefbomb.org]

Homosexuality is a sin, but we think the real sinner is the woman in the ugly ass skirt. God weeps at those.

8. New Moon (In a Minute)

Comparing making fun of Twilight to shooting fish in a barrel grossly understates the precision and focus required to shoot said fish in said barrel.

9. Elizabeth Lambert vs BYU (Let the Bodies Hit the Floor)

This girl needs to get laiiiiiiiiid.

10. Autocompleteme.com

You know how Google likes to guess what you’re searching for as you type? A lot of times, yes, Google guesses right. But sometimes Google is wrong and the results are hilarious. Autocompleteme.com is a blog featuring some of the best, funniest, and weirdest results people have come across while surfing the web.

Until next time, LET MIRTH PREVAIL!

You call yourself a true Penn State fan? Think you piss blue and white? Well, you’re not a true fan unless you have at least one of each of these items.

1. Penn State stethoscope cover

http://www.pennstateroom.com/index.cfm? … rodId=3871

2. 36″ Lion Tail

http://www.pennstateclothes.com/istar.a … ONTAIL!118

3. Penn State Shuffleboard table

(We’d put the picture here, but the company’s pictures are copyrighted. Because, you know, pictures of shuffleboard tables are always being used illegally.)

http://www.goldstargames.com/Penn_State_Nittany_Lions_Shuffleboard_Table_p/shuffleboard76.htm

4. Penn State cologne- “The fragrance exudes Penn State blue and signifies masculinity, passion and honor.” The person who had to write up this description has the most soul-sucking job ever. Just read it. It’s awful.

http://www.psualumnistore.com/8157-mpsuf.html

5. 16oz Soda Can glass cup- It’s a glass cup shaped like a soda can. This is perhaps the least classy form of semi-classy drinkwear.

http://www.lions-pride.com/istar.asp?a=6&id=2022!RFSJ

6. Edible Penn State Message- Have you ever wanted a pizza with a navy blue Penn State logo printed on the cheese? Neither have we.

7. The “Team Toothbrush”

8. The calculator and stapler made of real football material- Incredibly bulky and exceptionally durable, but if you pull one of these out in class, you’re pretty much guaranteed to get beaten up by a nerd.

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By Rebecca Eisenberg, Editor-in-Chief