Final’s Week is finally here and you know what that means: Adderall-fueled cramming sessions, insomnia-induced delusions, and last but not least, trips to your local library. Of course, we all know that “Finals” actually stands for Fuck I’ve Never Actually (ever been to our school’s) Library. Fortunately for you, I happened to have a pursued a career (see: actuarial science) that has deemed me the equivalent of The Pagemaster. For the past four years at Penn State, I have spent enough hours in the library to rival that of even the most hilariously stereotypical of fictional nerds.

I’m looking at you, Professor Frink.

There’s only one problem when it comes to the library: the noisy, obnoxious, idiots that frequent them (aka everyone). Don’t start crying yet though, there’s hope. I’ll point out the seven worst ones to stay the hell away from. This will ensure you get the tranquil study spot you deserve. I’ll even Google image search some stock photos so you can identify them visually in case you want to skip all of this boring writing.

1. The “Library DJ”

They came for the silent atmosphere, but they stayed for the chance to kick out the jams! You’ll find these guys in the quietest places of the library. And unfortunately for everyone within a 50-foot radius, they’re blasting their music at full volume.

Ironically, the perpetrator is hardly ever black, but this stock photo really gets the point across.

Along with being able to make out every last word to “Soulja Boy,” you’ll see this dumbass bobbing his head back and forth like he was at a freaking KISS concert. Once in a while you might even encounter them singing along to their music out loud. Unless the person turns out to be Gene Simmons, feel free to beat them mercilessly.

2. The “Page Flipper”

This person is either the smartest person in the world or just realized his exam is in 15 minutes. If you don’t go to school with Hermione Granger, assume this asshole is the latter.

That sentence you’re skimming won’t be on the exam. Get the fuck out!

This maniac will attempt to cram a semester’s worth of material in the time it takes to read your average Dr. Seuss book. Although they tirelessly (and loudly) flip through what seems like the equivalent of 20 dictionaries, they will actually fail to retain a single bit of information. The only satisfaction I get from seeing one of these imbeciles is the fact that they’ll have to take the class again during the summer.

3. The “Buffet”

As an avid studier, I know that it’s not long before hunger kicks in. I’m always craving food when I’m studying. And I’m not a glutton who just loves to eat; scientists actually proved that people that study often need to eat more (citation needed). However, I try to avoid eating crunchy, earthquake-inducing foods in a quiet library. These people are the exception.

This guy’s even willing to waste potato chips in order to annoy any engineering students in the vicinity.

The “Buffet” doesn’t care if you have finals to study for, he’s hungry. The world is his diner, and dine he shall. As he raucously munches on his freshly delivered hard-shelled tacos, thin crust pizza, and Captain Crunch, you’ll want to give him a piece of your mind. However, you’ll probably just end up asking him for a piece of pizza.

(more…)

-Homo Habilius evolved into Homo Erectus after reaching level 26. Soon afterward, it learned karate chop.

-Violating the laws of thermodynamics is punishable by anywhere from a $500 fine to ten years in prison, depending on the state

-Cats are the only animal besides humans that are racist against other members of their own species

-There are over 100 different species of snakes… IN MY PANTS!

-The odds of a random planet being able to support life are eight million to one. However, the chance of one of those planets having a humanoid species that looks like us except for funny ears, forehead ridges, and a neon skin tone is close to 100%.

-If you were to place every hair on the average human head in a line end-to-end, you would have no life

-Although many super-heavy elements being discovered are highly radioactive and have half-lives measured in milliseconds, scientists still believe there is a stable isotope yet to be found which could serve as a plot device for a James Cameron science fiction movie

-The average science theory is 3% credible, 97% bullshit.

-The normal person experiences approximately two to three embarrassing moments per day, Joe Biden’s life has been one long embarrassing moment.

-Eric Massa tickles one out of every four staffers.

-Oprah is not human, but a type of superhuman from a faraway galaxy.

-There are no science facts, only science theories.

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By Matt Woodward and Ryan Chase

After a few beers, it’s easy to fall into that dangerous comfort zone of thinking that you can take on anyone or anything. While I could never actually grown the balls to “fuck with” any of the following things, it’s pretty safe to say I’d very much like to. Seriously though, this list is for comedic value, so try not to fuck with any of these before I do.

• Bouncers – I admit this is probably a popular choice, but I wanted to mention it anyway. Ok, I get it, it’s against the law to serve to anyone under 21, and it’s probably bad for business to have blacked out Eagles fans breaking beer bottles on each other’s heads. And yes, bouncers are always really strong. Still, I can’t imagine much that would give me more pleasure than being able to intimidate one of these strapping fellows. Unfortunately, for those of you who don’t know me, that will never, ever, happen.

• Hippos – A Steve Irwin wannabe came to my high school once to talk about all the wild animals he’d encountered. The list ranged from tigers to venomous snakes to adorable baby seals, but throughout the entire presentation, he kept emphasizing that nothing scared him more than the hippopotamus. Apparently, they’re considered one of the most dangerous large animals on the planet because of their unparalleled aggression towards humans. This really came as a surprise to me. Up until that point, my experience with these creatures was limited to the adorable plastic Hungry Hungry Hippos. I guess I’ll be avoiding these beasts from now on. Still, Hippo tipping sounds pretty tempting…

• The Taco Bell Security Guard – Ha ha, just kidding

• The IRS – There isn’t a whole lot short of Nazis and Nickelback that is as universally hated as the Internal Revenue Service. I would love nothing more than to tell Uncle Sam to go fuck himself and keep my hard earned drug money, but I know better. Al Capone, better known as Scarface, one of the most powerful and well known mobsters of all time, was incarcerated for tax evasion. That’s right tax evasion, not bootlegging or cold blooded murder, but tax evasion. Then they shipped his ass off to Alcatraz. The lesson here is simple: pay your damn taxes.

• Texas – Ah Texas, the granddaddy of them all. Their anti littering and political slogan “Don’t mess with Texas” should give most an idea of how they go about things. Some of my least favorite things, Exxon Mobil, The Dallas Cowboys, and Stone Cold Steve Austin all hail from the Lone Star State. Yet, as Machiavelli once said, “It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.” So I have to give Texas a little bit of credit for taking this into consideration. If they want to rewrite history and take over the world, I’ll probably be staying out of their way.

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By Ben Myers, Staff Writer

1. JC is JC

This blogger theorizes that James Cameron, director of Avatar and Titanic, is actually Jesus Christ, legendary son of god, etc, etc. She has a website which outlines her scientific proof which includes a comparison of their resumes, something about Cameron’s semen, and Discovery Channel TV special. In short, it is…hilarious.

2. A Trailer for Every Academy Award Winning Movie Ever

In my humble opinion this movie was thoroughly overrated, but that one guy in it was the bomb.

3. Barbie Furries @ CrappyTaxidermy.com

This is one of those instances of a picture speaking a thousand words. In this case, those thousand words are “HOLYSHITWTFBBQ!!!!1?/!” repeated a thousand times.

4. Woman Aims to Become the World’s Fattest Woman

(What we assume Lori Beth Denberg from “All That” looks like now)

There are a handful of things that you can be the “best” at that actually make you the worst. Take this woman, for example she gets a few prizes: worst health, worst method of transportation (give you a clue, it’s not walking), and worst way of making money (it involves the Internet, and not the good side of it.)

5. Lion King Toy Fail

The video title is sorely mistaken. If you go down to Canal Street in Chinatown, NY and get the “limited edition” Lion King from Rico (tell him we sent you) the DVD you get is about 95% identical to this toy.

6. Gun-Mounted Gun

Any testosterone-charged NRA member can tell you that great things come in pairs: boobs, hands, your balls. But for too long they have suffered with only one pathetic fully automatic rifle. How we’re supposed to kill terrorists with such a crippling handicap has been a cause of many a sleepless night. Well, they can sleep soundly now, as now your rifle can have a mounted handgun. Now you can take out Osama bin Laden with one gun as you plow through health care reform with the other. The second amendment has never felt so empowering!

7. Ben Folds Does Chatroulette at a Concert

Dear reader, this is the Chatroulette to beat all Chatroulettes. The Internet can retire now, because this is its peak.

8. Gary Oak’s Raticate, we hardly knew ye

(http://i.imgur.com/o7wzn.jpg)

This new perspective on Pokemon Red/Blue will open your eyes and hearts to the rival’s plight. Never again will you gloat as your Venusaur solar beams his Charizard into submission.

9. Run Jesus Run (or The 10 Second Gospel)

(http://www.molleindustria.org/runjesusrun/run_jesus_run.html)

Sleep through Sunday School? Raised Jewish? Vote Democrat? Don’t worry, your sins can be absolved in 10 seconds or less! Who needs holy cleansing when you’ve got online gaming?

10. Japanese Comedians Impersonate 80’s American Singers, Cover “We Are The World”

When was the last time the Boss sounded this good?

The Cast of Jersey Shore:
If you love reading poorly spelled tweets filled with shameless self-promotion, then you’ll love following the cast of Jersey Shore!

• http://twitter.com/djpaulyd,
• http://twitter.com/MTVsammi,
• http://twitter.com/Sn00ki,
• http://twitter.com/mtvronnie,
• http://twitter.com/VINNYGUADAGNINO,
• http://twitter.com/itsthesituation,
• http://twitter.com/jenniwoww

Fake AP Stylebook
http://twitter.com/fakeapstylebook
If you like nerdy grammatical humor and jokes made at the expense of every writer’s favorite AP Stylebook, you’ll love the Fake AP Stylebook.

• “The correct spelling of “Spider-Man” takes a hyphen. Knowing this is why we can’t get dates.”
• “The adjective “hitlery” (“This hot dog tastes hitlery”) should be confined to the editorial page.”
• “Hanged/hung – Hanged refers to an execution. You know what hung refers to. We’re all adults here.”

Sockington the Cat
https://twitter.com/sockington
Sockington the cat was on twitter before Ashton Kutcher even knew what the word “tweet” meant. While he doesn’t update nearly as often as he used to, following Socks is like spending a day in the life of a real live cat as he conquers couches and rugs, claims victory over the computer, and begs, begs, begs for food.

• “OH WOW THE RED DOT IS BACK where have you been little guy been waiting for you WHOOP THERE YOU GO oh it is on buddy”
• “lick lick lick lick lick lick LIIIIICCCCKKKKK cross-check complete ALL SYSTEMS CAT”
• “COMPLETELY VICTORIOUS OVER THIS RUG for varying quantities of victory OH WHO AM I KIDDING I STILL LOVE YOU RUGGY RUG RUG”

Some of our other favorites:

• How to Tweet Porn http://twitter.com/sendyousomeporn
• Shaq http://twitter.com/the_REAL_SHAQ
• Jesus http://twitter.com/jesus
• Would it be gay? https://twitter.com/woulditbegay

• The quality of a cable network’s original programming is inversely proportional to the quality of the movies they air (see HBO, AMC)
• There’s no difference between a C and an F. Employers won’t wipe their asses with your resume if you have below a 3.0. So if you forget a homework assignment or don’t study for an exam as much as you should have, just go ahead and never do anything in that class again.
• There’s always someone who’s having a better time than you
• Nothing you do before the age of 20 matters
• “Fuck Bitches, Get Paid”- His Holiness, the Dali Lama
• You’ll never be bigger than Justin Bieber
• Never wipe back to front
• Always turn left when being chased by a killer
• Make sure your friend turns right so the killer can get him instead
• Wait for the tea to cool down or you’ll burn yourself
• Disney Land is the happiest place on Earth, until your parents announce they want a divorce while on vacation with you
• If it’s brown drink it down
• You can mess with Texas, but watch out for shift Illinois
• Only run with safety scissors. those things can’t cut shit.
• Never talk to strangers unless they have really good candy.

————–
By Matt Woodward, Desmond Nathanson, Brandon Scott Wolf and Rebecca Eisenberg

As a Penn State student, you are clearly one of the most inquisitive, knowledge seeking, and academically driven young people in the country. So to be constantly bombarded by Penn State lore from day one freshman year can be troubling. Because we know you are too busy to open up a wikipedia tab and find these answers, we here at Phroth have answered some of Penn State’s biggest head scratchers.

1. Just how old is Joe Pa?

Tough to say. Modern scholarship says Mr. Paterno is in his “Late Classical” period but this is only a guess at best. What we do know is that a “Joseph Paterno” both signed the Magna Carta and the ledger at Ellis Island (for “country of origin,” he wrote “none of your damn business”). His age is also dependent on whether you accept the “Paterno Triassic Theory” or not. Wikipedia says 83, but we can only guess this a conspiracy by the Catholic Church because Paterno is the missing link in Darwin’s theory.

2. Is Beaver Stadium really the biggest stadium in the world?

Well, yes and no. Technically North Korea’s Rungrado May Day Stadium is the largest and boasts a capacity of 150,000. But it’s never been full because at no point have 150,000 North Koreans not been imprisoned, in slave labor, or horrifically oppressive tenant farming to fill the seats. Also, North Korea has been known to lie about its nuclear program, so maybe its lying about its stadium too. I’ll believe it when those North Korean bastards finally lob a nuke over the Pacific. So yes, Beaver Stadium is the biggest stadium in the world (other than Yuva Bharati Krirangan in India of course).

3. How many students on average get lost in the stacks each year?

If they’re a Penn State student going to the library, nobody worth counting.

4. Who coined “We are Penn State!”?

After much scientific research, it has actually been discovered to be a phenomenon in the State College area. If one consumes at least 3.5 liters of a gin bucket or finishes an entire Four-Oh, the body’s first reaction is to shout this popular call and response chant.

5. Is it worth it to sleep with a sorority girl?

Ah yes, the age old “Pinto Paradox,” you’re guaranteed an in, but what about crabs? Well you can take the Phrothie patented Clitmus Test© (Is there a better word play than Clitmus? I hope so. My mom reads this blog.-Ed.) have her pee on the stick. If it turns beet red, then get ready for trouble. If it’s clear, then you’re in the clear.

6. Who is really Phrothie the Jester?

We aren’t really certain. However, we can provide this list of men who have not been seen in the same room as Phrothie the Jester:
Barack Obama
JoePa
Superman
Jesus Christ
Batman
Dolf Lundgren

7. Could JoePa make an offensive line so strong, he himself could not break it?

Theologians have debated this for years, with little ground gained on either side. We personally like to cite the Willard Preacher on this, “Blah blah, Jesus, blah blah blah, unborn children, blah blah, hell, blah blah, fuck Iowa.”

8. Does Graham Spanier really answer every e-mail sent to him personally?

Yes. His penis is one-hundred-and-thirty-four inches long and he has given his social security number to the presidents of nearly thirty fictional countries.

9. Is it true that every student must participate in THON?

No. Anybody who hates helping kids with cancer is perfectly free not to participate. See Phroth writer Jeremy Popkin for proof.

10. Why is the sky blue and white?

It’s called Rayleigh scattering. Look it up asshole.

————–

By Matt Powers, Desmond Nathanson, Rebecca Eisenberg and Jeremy Popkin

• If you keep making that face it will get stuck like that.
• Teachers have eyes in the backs of their heads.
• Everyone is special.
• Bullies are mean because they are insecure.

• The divorce wasn’t your fault.
• Bert and Ernie are just friends.

• Video games rot your brain.
• Your cat has gone to a better place (animals don’t have souls, silly!).
• You didn’t have to wear a dress and sit on your uncle Billy’s lap just because he was an adult and you had to do what he said.
• You can be President one day.

————–
By Desmond Nathanson, Matt Woodward, Andrew Cass and Rebecca Eisenberg

Proper etiquette requires one too many things, like maintain eye contact, dress properly, and many other bullshit customs The Man made up to keep us down. But the most important thing you can do it avoid divulging too much information during a conversation. Here are a few handy examples to know when you might have gone too far.

Just Right: I would like to be excused.
TMI: I would like to be excused, so I can barf up this casserole you just made me eat.

Just Right: I saw Jupiter and Saturn align last night.
TMI: I saw Jupiter and Saturn align last night while I was disposing of a dead body.

Just Right: I’m glad Bernie Maddoff is in jail.
TMI: I’m glad Bernie Maddoff is in jail. Not because he scammed people out of $50 billion, because he’s a Jew.

Just Right: This coffee tastes great!
TMI: This coffee tastes great, and I like it when foreign objects are inserted into my anus!

Just Right: The Internet is a wonderful source of information.
TMI: The Internet is a wonderful source of information, especially if you want to find out more about cake farts.

Just Right: I think I’m going bald.
TMI: I think I’m going bald. There’s hair everywhere in my house. It falls out in clumps when I take a shower, and gets stuck in the drain. It’s all tangled up, and smells like feet and soap scum. I brought some with me. Here, have a whiff!

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By Matt Woodward, Blog Editor

10. The Church of Raptor Jesus

9. Gay for God
The only homosexuality that should exist.

8. Standing outside Willard and shouting Scripture
Over 40,000 recruited.

7. Comics of the prophet Muhammad
This religion is for people.

6. Agnostic
What a pussy.

5. Pogs

(It’s not a game, it’s a way of life.)

4. 100% Kosher
Delicious.

3. The Power of Grayskull compels you

2. Real Jew-y
I mean the whole shebang.

1. Gun-Toting NASCAR Driving Jesus

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By Remington Law, Staff Writer