1. Whorish Face

A shallow pop song + religious group – singing ability = musical gold (“Lady Gay-Gay, you’re not God”)

2. Ancient Chinese Letter of Apology After Drunken Debauchery

(Texts from last night circa 850 AD)

I bet you thought you were the first one who came up with the excuse “I was blacked out.” Let me tell you, that story is older than Jesus. Seriously.

3. Paleontologists Discover Skeleton of Nature’s First Sexual Predator

The prehistoric ancestor to all of Phroth’s writers.

4. The Shake Weight

How to save money if you’re a woman: Grab the nearest male by the junk and move your hands up and down the shaft in a smooth, firm motion. Bonus: Protein shake at the end.
How to save money if you’re a man: Keep on jackin’ it.

5. Weight Watchers Clinic Floor Collapses under Dieters

“The floor of a Weight Watchers clinic in Sweden collapsed beneath a group of 20 members of the weight loss programme who were gathered for a meeting.”

Thank you, Universe, for doing my job for me.

(more…)

Rock music has many urban legends associated with it. Some are untrue, while others are complete bullshit. But in the annals of rock history, there are several amazing revelations.

-The horse in the America song “A Horse With No Name” was actually named “Sparkleshine”

-”Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey fucking sucks ass. Stop playing it at all the parties I go to.

-New York jeweler Arthur Goldberg has been identified as the man who put the Bomp in the Bomp-A-Bomp-A-Bomp. However, he denies putting the Ring in the Ring-A-Ling-A-Ding-Dong

-The soprano sax was invented to simulate the sounds of screeching from the bowels of hell in orchestral pieces.

-The 1994 Pink Floyd album “The Division Bell” syncs up with the 1985 film “Return to Oz”

-Every Canadian musician is required to serve two years in Broken Social Scene

-French composer Frederick DeGualle became the first white person to steal music from black people, when he went on an African expedition in 1803, heard tribal rhythms, worked them into his next symphony, and passed it off as his own work.

-Recent albums by Lady Gaga, Flo Rida, and other hit acts can be purchased in the form of a wax cylinder or a midget (castrati optional) performing the songs for you.

-Speaking of Flo Rida, what the hell kind of rapper name is that? Sounds more like the name of a nineteenth century Southern belle, as in “Why, Flo Rida, that Kentucky colonel sure gives me the vapors!”

-Axl Rose has ordered that all existing copies of Chinese Democracy be destroyed because he realized he hit a bum note in “Shackler’s Revenge”. The corrected version is due to be released sometime in 2015.

-Stevie Nicks never actually imbibed cocaine anally. She did that with acid.

-Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana are actually the same person.

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By Matt Woodward, Blog  Editor