New Years is less than a month away, so you know what that means – time to start thinking about what your new years resolution will be. If you ask someone what their resolution will be, they will either spit on you or give some bullshit answer like, “I want to eat healthier” or “I want to start paying that child support.” But those are masks, my friend. In fact, most people make secret resolutions that aren’t as commendable. The following five resolutions are some of the most common examples:

1. Sleep around more
Whether you’re fed up with being single or just broke up with someone, many people want to sow their wild oats for the New Year. Without being particularly picky, this resolution has a fairly high success rate for most. All the “what was I thinking” moments that result from this can just be chalked up to a “learning experience.”

2. Stop being such a pussy
The motto for this resolution is usually something like, “Come on, what do I have to lose!?” Typically, this is reserved for those who are seeking more excitement and less anxiety-derived perspiration. So when enough is enough with a humdrum lifestyle, many resort to this goal for change. Just ask out that cute Dunkin’ Donuts cashier already. And tell your odor-producing roommate to go to hell while you’re at it.

3. Tell exes about the Chlamydia
Many people are happy around the holiday season, so news of a possible lingering Chlamydia infection might not bother them as much right now as it may have about 4 months ago when you found out about it.

4. Do ‘shrooms
You’ve heard about your friend’s experience when he thought the thumbtacks in his wall were little creatures crawling around his room. That sounds like a good time. You’re curious and you figure that this is the year you’ll have your very own experience with inanimate object seeming alive. The rationale for this resolution is usually, “Well, at least it’ll be a GREAT story, right!?”

5. Learn all the words to every Celine Dion song
This is perhaps the deepest, darkest secret resolution of them all. More common than one may like to believe, feeling a deeper connection with Canadian legend Celine Dion is a goal many dream of. This new year provides an exhilarating chance to finally figure out all the lyrics to “Power of Love” and hit that high note in “Because You Loved Me.”

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by Eden Reis
Phroth Phest Chair

So we all know that horror movies are bad. Really bad. Horrifyingly bad. I mean did you see The Strangers? It was awful, and that one had Liv Tyler in it. Still, people will throw down money to see them, so they continue to be made no matter how bad the premise is or how low grade the actors are. So how bad does a horror movie pitch have to be before movie studios will reject it? In honor of Halloween being tomorrow, we at Phroth have dug up some little known information on some horror movies that for one reason or another just did not make it.

• Dracula XXX: Half gripping terror, half soft-core erotica, the pitch for this movie featured Dracula seducing women, having sex with them, and turning them into vampires. Sounds run of the mill, but what made this incarnation of Dracula different from the rest was the main pitch to the studio by the movie’s creator, Alex Zim. “The women get bitten during the intercourse,” he told the executives at Miramax, “’cuz you see, his fangs are on his wang!” Upon hearing this, one studio executive reportedly promptly pulled out a gun and shot Zim.

• The Sing: “You know the tape that if you watch it you die in seven days? Well now there is a song that if you hear it you will die in seven minutes!” was the tagline for proposed 2006 rip-off the hit horror flick The Ring. The song was supposed to be so supposed to be so awful, so sickening, and so frightening that you would kill yourself within seven minutes of listening to it. The movie got pulled when it was revealed the song they were creating for the movie already existed.

• Heroes: Okay, this is not in the horror genera, nor is it a movie, plus it has actually been made. But this season of Heroes is so bad that it’s frightening.

• Saw IX: Okay, so this movie is pretty far away from not being made, but we looked into our crystal ball (the same one that told us that our Number Scrabble skit would be the most popular video on Youtube) and saw that this franchise is going to continue going strong for another two decades. Then, after Saw XVIII is directed by Wes Craven, SAW IX just could not get the funding after audiences across the country walked out during the movie’s climax where the main character is chased throughout here house by a knife wielding Jigsaw, wearing a mask that looks like what he puts into all of his videos. Then it turns out that Jigsaw is the character’s pissed off husband (dun dun duuun!!).

• Jason Goes to Heaven: Meant to be the follow up Jason Goes to Hell, this god forsaken (well, maybe not) movie pitch featured Jason raising hell in paradise. Starting with an attack on Martin Luther King Jr., Jason would then go on a tour de force that heaven would surly forbid. His victims would include wimps such as Mahatma Gandhi, John Lennon, and Andre the Giant.
This movie was actually almost made until studio execs pulled the plug because they thought the climax, which featured Jason nailing Jesus onto a cross, carving 666 into his forehead, a devil’s star into his chest, and ripping out his intestines might upset some Christian groups. Plus no one believed anyone could possibly be killed in an environment of celibacy and completely devoid of drugs and alcohol.

Written by Hal Dworkin,
Phroth Staff Writer

Halloween is upon us and who doesn’t love dressing in a lame costume, eating tons of candy and booze, and then passing out on someone’s doorstep? Well now you can do it without being called a mentally unstable alcoholic, all thanks to the wonderful heathens who thought up Halloween.

Halloween began as a mating ritual in which the women in town would dress as concubines
and traverse the town. Originally instead of candy they collected venereal diseases.

So, you need something to wear so that people won’t call you a lame ass for not dressing up…but at the same time you don’t want to spend money or dress in some stupid costume that will result in people calling you a lame ass? Well sorry, pal, that’s the catch-22 of Halloween. But don’t worry, just get some liquor in you and it won’t matter.

Some of my old favorites include Santa Claus, Jesus, and the prophet Muhammad, but for those of you who prefer to get your laughs without inciting a religious brawl, I have some cheaper and safer suggestions.

Indiana Jones – just get a leather jacket, light button short, khaki pants and a whip. Also try to look as if you don’t want to be at the party but you’re two buddies made you think it would be way better than it actually is, and Shia LeBuff is also there.

Heath Ledger – Joker face paint with a cowboy hat and a Mountain Dew bottle filled with tic-tacs and a prescription written on it. Be sure to take big swigs from time to time. Just be prepared for attacks from enraged female fans.

Bruce Banner – it’s like being the Hulk but you don’t have to paint yourself green or show of your horrible man boob. You can wear torn up clothes and say you just changed back from the Hulk, and that everyone just missed it. Way to put forth the effort pal.

McCainiac/ Obamaton – this one can swing both ways (just like your creepy RA). Grab a sticker or t-shirt of your chosen candidate and a clip board. Pick one person and follow them around endlessly asking them if they’ve registered to vote or if they want to know your guy’s tax policy. It’s a great way to get people’s information for later facebook stalking purposes.

And for those of you who are especially cheep and lazy, you can just dress normally and have a smart ass remark prepared. For example:
- the guy who’s doing your mom/sister/girlfriend (have lipstick on your collar)
- Just wear underwear and wrap yourself with whatever non clothing you can find. Act really surprised, saying you forgot you were supposed to dress up for this.
- Find a friend who looks somewhat like you can say you’re them from the future.
- “I’m the dick who didn’t dress up for the Halloween party”

No one wants to end up like this guy.

Written by Jimmy Coyne
Phroth Staff Writer