The Phollegian Throughout History
The Phroth Phollegian was founded in 1909 as the Phree Phlance, and published once every new moon. Because of the slow rate at which information traveled, the upstart paper was forced to make up its’ own stories. In 1911, it became the Phenn Phstate Phollegian and tripled circulation in the next five years (Unfortunately, tripling zero still results in zero). When it seemed like the newspaper was on the verge of folding, someone suggested a revolutionary new way of doing business. Taking their advice, the Phollegian staff distributed their paper around campus, rather than just dumping it into a river.
In 1940, the publication was rechristened as the Phaily Phollegian, and student journalists would spend the decade reporting on the big stories of the World War (the first one, though). Their reach around State College and influence grew, with more Phollegians being used to cover floors while painting than any other newspaper. In 1969, it began running a crossword puzzle, and the average GPA plummeted by twenty percent as a result.
In 2007, they made another name change to the Phroth Phollegian, because having their name above the fold twice wasn’t enough for students to know who was printing them. Here are a couple of the memorable stories from the first 100 years:
August 23rd, 1914
College to Embrace “Di-versity”
With the debate on the matter of Kraut suffrage reaching a consensus, the Pennsylvania State College of Pennsylvania enacted bold new statutes that would grant legitimacy to the emerging concept of “di-versity”.
In accordance with “di-versity”, quotas dictating enrollment of ethnic minorities will be enacted. Commencing with the upcoming 1914 academic annum, the Pennsylvania State College of Pennsylvania will be required to enroll three Irish-men, four Iberians, two males of Greek persuasion, five Poles, and one China-man. These students will represent forty percent of the student population.
For the purpose of displaying a tolerance for the creeds of others, mandatory daily chapel services will be available to both Protestant and Anglican students. The filthy Roman Catholics, with their false idol in the Vatican, will continue to be denied a regular mass.
Many undergraduates have welcomed “Di-versity”. Albert Pew (Junior, agricultural engineering) ejaculated “I welcome my brethren from the bad parts of the European sub-continent”. William Smithson (Senior, agricultural studies) said “May they let us replicate their presumably superior class notes”.
Other students consider “Di-versity” to be daft. Evan Forester (Sophomore, pre-agriculture) exclaimed “This acceptance of those who are not Anglo-Saxon is just going go further! It’s the Irish now, but tomorrow, it might be the Scotch-Irish!”
January 7th, 1965
U.S. Military Invents Gaydar
New Technology Breakthrough Allows Advanced Detection of Homosexuality
After years of research, the U.S. Military unveiled something they called “Gaydar”. A top general explained to us “We figured that if we could use radar to detect enemy aircraft and ships, we could use it do detect affinity for those of the same gender”.
America has responded to this revolutionary technology with a mixture of wonderment and skepticism. “When I saw Liberace perform on the Ed Sullivan show wearing a sequined cape, thigh-high leggings, and a lavender strap-on phallus, I didn’t suspect a thing. But with Gaydar, it all seems so obvious” said Marie George, a housewife from New York. After using Gaydar, Joseph Albee, a Catholic father of eight in San Francisco’s Castro district said “What the hell am I doing here?” Others had their doubts. “According to the Gaydar, Jorge, the strapping young lad who decorated my rumpus room, is one of them homosexualists. But, he doesn’t prey on my impressionable young children. How can that be?” said Edith Gold, a housewife from Bear, Nevada.
A common test for Gaydar has been on celebrities and movie characters. According to the device, movie super-spy James Bond is way off the gay charts.
Military and civilian experts alike agree that Gaydar will revolutionize the way we find out who eats hair pie and who cleans brown pipes.
October 5th, 1986
Letters D, J, and W Join Divestment Campaign against Sesame Street
Joining an ever growing divestment campaign to protest Children’s Television Workshop’s involvement with the Apartheid-practicing government of South Africa, the letters D, J, and W announced that they would no longer sponsor Sesame Street. “The actions of these three letters has brought our Coalition of the Spelling up to ten letters and four numbers, and we will make ourselves heard!” said the number six, a founding member of the campaign.
A spokesperson for CTW said “We could do without J, as he’s the youngest letter and his sponsorships were interchangeable with those of the letter I up until a few hundred years ago, but D and W come as big losses to us. How will we spell “woodpecker” without them?”
When reached for comment, the letter D said “I was thinking of pulling my sponsorship for a while, this was a convenient excuse. I really doubt that my money’s doing anything. Elmo is going insane, and one of them is still living in a garbage can!”
In order to further promote the campaign, the Coalition of the Spelling has hired Peter Gabriel, who will rewrite the lyrics of his hit song “Sledgehammer” to explain Apartheid to children. The song will be sung as a duet with Kermit the Frog, who himself is a supporter of the divestment campaign.
May 3rd, 1993
Thomas Out, Clinton In As University President
Taking advantage of the transfer of power in Washtington, Joab L. Thomas stepped down as university president, his position slated to be filled by United States President Bill Clinton’s brother Roger.
Although Roger has no experience in academia and served jail time for cocaine possession in the 1980s, university officials deemed his character flaws a minor trade-off for having a connection to the highest levels of government.
The move was an attempt to re-capture a moment of time in the early fifties when Milton Eisenhower, the brother of then-current president Dwight, headed the college. Those in charge hope that such a situation will lead to another boom period in the university’s growth.
Higher-ups at the university are patting themselves on the back for their decision. “We missed a golden opportunity when Billy Carter turned down our offer twenty-five years ago, but we fixed that this time” said one department head.
Among Roger’s plans for Penn State are an indoor arena named after former president Bryce Jordan where cockfighting matches can be held, and a new set of engineering buildings to replace the ones he lost in a poker match last night.
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by Matt Woodward, Phroth Staff Writer
