1. Paris Hilton would own one (in a miniature form, of course)

2. Jersey Shore would feature one…

They call him Dino-WOWW

3. We would probably elect one…

4. Taylor Swift would be interupted by one…

5. Leo would romance one…

(more…)

by Hal Dworkin
Phroth Staff Writer 

NANTUCKET, Ma – Sides came to blows Monday afternoon over disputed election results of the local cross-country running club iRan. Protesters claiming the presidential election was a fraud lined the lanes of the local track where the team practices, preventing other people from running. Officers of the club, which is sponsored by computer behemoth Apple, showed up to kick the protesters off the track but ended up kicking their asses. “After they refused to move we had no choice but to start using deadly force, lest their voices start being heard,” said an official iRan spokesperson.

The controversy started last week after the election for the club’s president between incumbent president Molly Aman and Harry Munster. Molly Aman is the hardline candidate who believes all the clubs members should always run in a straight line and as hard as they can. Harry Munster is the reformist candidate. He believes members of the club should pace themselves during long extended runs, as well as better relations with the United States. 

Aman declared herself the winner of a landslide election two minutes after the polls closed, claiming 18 votes out of 25, winning by 11 votes. Munster and his followers cried foul, claiming that the election was tampered with and demanded a new election take place.

Supreme Runner Alison Khan, the iRan member with more power than anyone in the club, supported Aman during the campaign and rejected the idea for a new election in a speech to iRan. She also went onto say that if that protests continue that Munster and his followers would be held responsible for what occurs next, which would be the prevention of other people from running, she clarified in a later statement.

Khan also has barred anyone in iRan from speaking to the media unless they are a club official and has restricted media access to the track where the club runs. However, Phroth has been able to gather information on what is happening in iRan through videos posted to Youtube and tweets posted to Twitter. “This is amazing! There are literally tens of us here in protest to this fraudulent election!” tweeted Runstar2009.

IloVeBAkedgOodS420, another twit, tweeted this message only five minutes ago, “So I, uh, like totally went down to the track today for some exercise, but there were these squares on track demonstrating about the Iranian election. Why the track man?”

Meanwhile, Munster has not been seen for several days. Some believe him to be dead, but his Facebook status currently reads, “Went to Miami to chill out for a while. HELLS YEAH!” Five people reportedly like this.

In honor of it being the day after the election, we here at Phroth have decided to get a head start on the election for 2012. Some people say Sarah Palin will be the new face of the republican party, but we think we have a better idea. So here’s our proposal for why Chewbacca, yes the big hairy guy from the Star Wars franchise, will make an excellent president in 2012.

1. Taxes

• Everybody knows that Chewbacca has a very lenient stance when it comes to taxes. You cannot find a more generous Wookie if you look for one. Everyone knows that during his time in the senate, Chewbacca voted 19 times against raising taxes. He understands the problems of everyday humans, and he wants to make it easier for the middle class to pay their bills. He also voted against tax decreases for Big Oil and The Empire.

• He also wants to create a bacon-tax rebate. Chewbacca wants to make bacon more available to every person in the United States. He cares very deeply about this subject, and has heard nothing from the other candidates about the lack of bacon this country is experiencing.

2. Experience

• Remember when Chewbacca piloted the Millennium Falcon out of harms way while Luke and Han fought off the Ti-fighters? That was sweet. Neither Barack Obama or John McCain have any experience in space, let alone warp speed. Chewbacca has also served as a senator from Ohio for over ten years, frequently reaching across the aisle to get solutions done.

3. The Economy

• No one has made more progress towards an economic plan that works than Chewbacca. During his younger years, Chewbacca attended Oxford where he received an undergraduate degree in Economics. He worked on Wall Street for several years before working as a financial advisor for Jesus, and everyone knows that Jesus doesn’t hire just anybody.

4. Global Warming

• Chewbacca understands the problems of global warming. Being covered with a thick layer of dog-like fur, he is the last person that wants it to be warmer outside. He will work hard to fix this problem.

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Written by Daniello Sepe, Phroth Distribution Chair and Staff Writer

1796: John Adams is elected as the second president of the United States, although election rules of the time dictated that political opponent Thomas Jefferson become his vice president. The two clash on issues such as westward expansion, the national debt, and who has to take out the garbage on what day.

1840: William Henry Harrison is elected, in large part due to a campaign painting his opponent, Martin Van Buren, as an elitist snob. Thankfully, we have moved beyond the days where campaigns are run with vapid personality-based attacks and phony, pandering personae.

1873: There was no presidential election in 1873.

1898: There wasn’t one here either.

1920: Socialist Candidate Eugene V. Debs receives 3.4 percent of the vote despite being in prison for the duration of his campaign. Debs advocated a radical redistribution of wealth, and watching My Super Sweet 16 on MTV (we here at Phroth think he was on to something).

1928: Democrat Al Smith becomes the first Catholic candidate on a major-party ticket, causing detractors to say that he would let the Vatican manage the nation’s affairs, an attack that Smith only made worse when he named Pope Pius XI as his running mate.

1948: Several newspapers run erroneous “Dewey Defeats Truman” headlines, including the Daily Collegian. However, the Collegian ran their headline a full weekafter all the election results came in.

1952: A supporter tells Democratic presidential candidate Adlai E. Stevenson “Every thinking man in the country is going to vote for you!”, to which Stevenson quipped “Thanks, but I’ll need a majority to win.” Stevenson lost with only 89 electoral votes, mostly to that bastion of intellectualism known as the Deep South.

1980: Ronald Reagan easily defeats Jimmy Carter during a period of recession. This would be the only time an actor would become president until George Clooney defeats Jenna Bush in 2020 (spoiler alert!).

2006: Robin Williams stars in a shitty movie about a comedian who runs for president.

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By Matt Woodward,
Phroth Staff Writer and Secretary