Listen up Duke, the dog from Bush’s Baked Bean commercials. You are the worst fucking pet and overall a complete waste of life. You spend your time trying to sell the secret Bush Baked Bean recipe to turn a quick buck and basically being a complete and utter douchebag. And what is “Duke?” Is that even a name? . . . no, I’m not going there. There’s not enough time and frankly you’re not worth it. I don’t know what kind of God would even let you have a name. So you want to use the Bush’s Bean fortune to lead your new rock star lifestyle? Let’s examine some fallacies in your hastily thought out plan, Duke.

1. You’re a dog
Even if you managed to get a buyer for the recipe, how are you going to make sure they pay? You’re a dog. You can’t take them to court or even sign a contract to make it official. You know those “opposable thumbs” Darwin was raving about? Yeah, we got ‘em and you don’t. That’s how I’m able to write this and why you can’t respond. Some may call that cowardly. I call it completely necessary, you dick dog. Also, what were you planning on doing with the money once you got it? Realtors don’t let dogs make down payments on houses, and you can’t even drive a car, much less lease one. Smooth move, Duke. Did I mention that you’re a dog?

2. You’re totally fucking over your owner
Let’s take a good hard look at the Bush’s Baked Bean guy. He doesn’t have a whole lot going for him. He’s getting older, bald, and makes his money schlepping baked beans. And god knows there isn’t a lot of money in the baked bean game. And yet, he has provided a roof over your head, food in your bowl, and even trusts you enough to tell you the secret recipe. And you want to throw all of that away to earn a cheap buck. I hope you enjoy the pound or being put down, asshole. And all dogs do go to Heaven, except for you who will burn in hell for eternity.

3. You could make infinitely more money as a talking dog
Listen Duke, as a talking dog you can totally make bank. First you can hit up the carnivals, and then you can go on the talk show circuit. Hello! You can meet Ellen! And you can’t put a price on that. Do you know how much someone would be willing to pay for a Baked Bean recipe? I don’t know either, but it can’t be much. The canned baked bean industry took a hit when it was discovered that you can ship fresh food in containers other than arsenic-laden tin cans, and it hasn’t recovered. You know what year that was? 1919. So you’re probably looking at a max of $450 for this recipe, as opposed to millions of dollars and a possible Hallmark movie option starring screen legend Tom Selleck as your voice. That’s not an opportunity I’d pass up if I were you.

In conclusion, you are the worst dog ever Duke. And I love dogs. And I hate you. Also, you have heart worms.

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By Matt Powers, Head Writer