by Matt Powers, Phroth Head Writer

Look get over it. You have swine flu. Time to move on with what’s left of your life. If you lived in Mexico you would have been dead days ago, but because you live in America, you are going have to deal with this. Out of the goodness of my heart and in accordance with my court ordered community service, I have hastily compiled the following list as things you can do to help get through your bout of swine flu:

1. Lick a Mongoose: I did some quick research on how you get swine flu and apparently you get it from licking pigs. So first of all, shame on you. The same website also said that mongooses have chemicals on their skin that can counteract the active agent in swine flu. So get one of those furry bastards, buy it a nice dinner, and go to town.

2. Lick a Wombat: This isn’t to help with swine flu but rather because you are so soul crushingly alone that you probably have to lick animals to find some semblance of companionship.

3. Don’t Eat at Taco Bell: Look, you already have swine flu. You don’t want Ebola, e. coli, SARS, Gonorrhea, congestive heart failure, and scurvy too.

4. Also, Don’t Eat at Long John Silvers: Trust me. Just trust me.

5. Why don’t you trust me anymore? What happened to you? What happened to us?

6. Go to a Swine Flu Support Group: It can be good to tell other people about how the swine flu has affected you and the ones closest to you. In a related note, stop coughing on your family dammit. Just so you don’t get a big shock when you check out the support group, here is a preview of everyone who will be there:

a. The Sniffler: This is the person who woke up with a sore throat, turned on CNN, and immediately called her physician to take every imaginable test known to man. If you want to get rid of this person, just ask her if she has her last will and testament in order.

b. Grizzled Old Sea Captain: This person has had every damn disease under the sun. He
had Malaysian Goat Flu when all of you was nothing. This guy can be seen smoking cigarettes in the corner and occasionally says, “You think you’ve got something bad? I’ll tell about something bad. . .” and then goes into an uncomfortably graphic story of a passionate night with a Eritrea prostitute. 

c. The Alcoholic: This person is in the wrong meeting, but is too gone to notice, and no one really wants to touch him to wake him up. 

d. Your Dad: Remember when you thought he got more iced tea than you at Applebees and you drank from his glass when he went to the bathroom? Bam. Swine flu. Also, if you haven’t figured this one out yet, you should probably car pool.

7. Go to Your Local Playground: The laughter of children just might cure you in a heartwarming tale of the triumph of the human spirit.

8. Get an Attorney: The pedophilia charges are coming fast and heavy for number 7. 

9. Hey I’m sorry about number 5. That just came out. That was raw. This isn’t the time or the place. And I apologize.

10. (If time permits) Go to a Hospital: If you’re not dead after completing this list, check out your closest Emergency Room. You are dying from a scary illness.

Well there it is. Now you have the tools to live with your crippling disease. Now quit your (s)whining.

No, your eyes don’t deceive you. In this little blog entry, I’m going to give you a few pointers on how to be one of the coolest kids at dear old State. But before I begin sharing all my secrets and tips with the downtrodden of the internet, I would like to tell you a personal story.

You see, back in 5th grade, I wasn’t exactly the stallion you know and love today. After a particular brutal beating from 2nd grade bully and self-proclaimed playground king Johannes Fitzgerald, I sought my father’s advice. I will never forget the words he spoke.

He told me, “Son, in times like this, the best thing you can do is just be yourself.” It was at that moment when I realized my father was an idiot.

“Hey dad!? I’m 4’ 3”, terrible at sports, and donning Oshkosh overalls. Fuck this!”

And that’s the point in my life when I began my quest to become as cool as a goddamn Popsicle. And because I know how it feels like to be in your scenario, I’m going to give you a few steps to be almost as radical as me.

Step #1 Grow a mustache

What are you, twelve? You’re in college now, grow some facial hair for god sakes. And I’m not talking about some half-assed stubble around your chin and neck. I’m talking about a full grown, awe inspiring, Wilford Brimley mustache. Mustaches are the pinnacle of everything awesome.

I remember a sad moment in my life where I didn’t know the power of the stache. When I was a sophomore in high school, I couldn’t get a chick if my uncool life depended on it. In fact, my older brother was hogging all the glory and banging the cheerleader in my chemistry class.

I remember one night, I solemnly thought, “What does he have that I don’t…” It was then that I decided to stop being such a pussy. I manned up, grew a mustache, and told all the girls in my grade that my brother had Chlamydia. It’s been smooth sailing ever since, although I can’t remember the last time my brother got laid.

Step #2 Buy some sunglasses

Back in the day, all you needed to be cool was a leather jacket and a Fonz-like personality. But a lot has changed since those simple times. To be respected among your peers in the new millennium, you need some killer shades. You see, to be cool, you must hide your eyes from the public. This shady yet promiscuous new look will get everyone wondering, “What does this badass have to hide?”

One time, I accidentally wore my sunglasses to my Cousin Bill’s wedding. Not only did I hook up with every bridesmaid there, but Bill’s wife-to-be ended up leaving him. Turns out she had fallen in love with his sunglasses-wearing cousin. Sorry bill, but your eyes just don’t leave much to the imagination.

Step #3 Get a lot of money

Forget the last steps I just told you. They’re stupid. The simple fact is that it doesn’t matter who you are or what you do with your life. What matters is how much cash you have laying around. Homeless people might tell you that money doesn’t buy you happiness, which is technically true. Money can only buy you so much: friends, awesome gadgets, lap dances, a mustache…the list goes on and on. But most importantly, it makes you cool. And I know right now you’re thinking, “Oh shit! I’m in college and I have no money! I’m ruined!” Snap out of it sissy! If you happen to be down on your luck and broke, here are a few easy ways to get the money to get you back on easy street:

• Find out the life insurance policies of all relatives closest to you. If it sounds like a good offer, I suggest you take matters into your own hands.
• What’s your roommate’s economic situation? Better yet, where does he keep his wallet? Taking a $20 or two never hurt anyone. And most likely his parents pay the bill on his credit card. Why don’t you run down to that sunglasses shop while he’s sleeping?
• There are literally thousands of dollars at your local banks. I’m not telling you what to do, but you should definitely try to rob one.
• If all else fails, get a job. Then, take the money in the register when no one’s looking.

And there you have it folks, three simple ways to be the cool. And just remember, it’s not about what other people say to you, it’s what they say behind your back. And hopefully what they’re saying is, “Damn, I wish I was as cool as that dude. Maybe I should have sex with him.”

Written by Matthew Radlow, Phroth Writing Staff

What with the obvious past success of Harry Potter and the current absurd popularity of this Twilight series, I have compiled a Phroth do-it-yourself guide to creating your very own hit teen-angst lit series for all of you aspiring “writers” and “money makers” out there.

STEP 1: Come up with a strong (but not too strong) female character
The protagonist of your story should be a girl who, despite her smooth, pale skin, long silken hair, extraordinarily purple, catlike eyes, and otherwise incredibly glamorous physical traits, cannot seem to fit in in school and is often teased and tormented by her peers. This is okay, however, because your character has chosen to remove herself from society as the result of something deeply tragic that happened in her past. She has an tough-girl attitude and an adeptness for sharp comebacks, which she delivers with a sensuous lick of her lips, causing every male in a ten mile radius to pant like a dog in heat. Unfortunately, as a result of her tragic past (see above) she has built up too many brick/steel/wood/iron walls around her heart to let any of these men get close to her. That is…until Daymyn enters her life (see STEP 3).

Who wouldn’t want to do a girl with eyes like these?

STEP 2: Give her an animal/mineral/vegetable sidekick
Because your lead character spends so much of her dialog on attitude fueled banter with interested (yet incredibly boring) males who want nothing less than to jump her amazingly structured bones, she needs an outlet through which she can express her more vulnerable feelings. You have a few options here, and you have to choose carefully because the animal/mineral/vegetable sidekick reflects deeply on your protagonist’s true personality.

1. ANIMAL: If you decide to go with an animal sidekick, be wary of unrealistic and inconvenient species. Unless your protagonist is a mermaid this rules out pretty much anything with gills. Trying to swoon gracefully whilst holding a fishbowl rarely goes well. It’s very messy. Species that tend to work well are cats, birds, snakes, and mice.
2. MINERAL: Don’t choose mineral. Just don’t. Girls with pet rocks never get laid, no matter how hot they are.
3. VEGETABLE: Picking a vegetable sidekick is tricky because vegetables lack many of the useful defensive instincts that an animal sidekick would possess. Where a cat could come flying out of the brush, claws extended to protect his fainted mistress, a carrot would merely provide her attacker with marginally better eyesight, and that really would only work if the attacker were to consume A LOT of carrots. A clove of garlic, on the other hand, will at the very least ward off Vampires. Your protagonist will still have to be wary of attacks by werewolves, warlocks, axe-murderers, and douchebag football players.

STEP 3: Introduce a mysteriously alluring and potentially dangerous male character (aka the love interest)
The MAPD (Mysteriously Alluring and Potentially Dangerous) male character serves a very specific set of functions in your “novel.” First, he must be physically flawless so as to attract the attention not only of your “strong” female character, but also the attention of the all-important tween demographic. It has been scientifically proven that if 5 out of 6 tween girls swoon whenever the MAPD is mentioned, then 100% of them can be easily convinced to buy the rest of the trilogy without your having to come up with anything resembling an actual plot.
Now, ideally, when coming up with a new character, you have at your disposal an entire thesaurus of adjectives to choose from. In the case of your MAPD, however, you are restricted to the following rules:

1. He must have an irrelevantly misspelled name (I’ve decided to go with Daymyn — pronounced: Damien)
2. He must wear all black.
3. Chest hair optional

For example:

“Daymyn was the strong silent type, with long black hair tied back in a pony tail. He wore clothes of midnight black and and stuck to the shadows like black on night. When he looked at her, it was like his eyes were piercing the very center of her soul in a way that was both paralyzing and arousing at the same time. He was more than handsome…he was beautiful.”

The second function your MAPD serves is to penetrate the set of brick/steel/wood/iron walls that your “strong” female character has constructed to protect her fragile heart. He does this mainly through his striking good looks (though your main character will insist it’s solely his mysterious personality), but if you feel as though your story needs more substance (in most cases, it won’t) you may choose to give him a singular “flaw”; being a werewolf, vampire, or other sorts of magical properties are just some of the more popular choices.

STEP 4: Conflict? What’s the point?
Any good writing teacher will tell you that you need conflict to motivate your characters to take action, move the plot forwards, and give your story depth. Throw all of that out the window. In order to write a successful novel in the genre of angsty teen-lit, you need not waste your time on pesky things like conflict and plot which are just so damn hard to write. Now I know you’re wondering how on Earth anything could ever happen in a story with no conflict, so I will tell you – there is a very simple solution (see STEP 5).

STEP 5: Introduce another MAPD male character
When coming up with your second MAPD there are several things you need to keep in mind. He must be strong, impossibly human, nonthreatening, and mysterious – so as to attract the attention of your main female character, who, after being exposed to your first MAPD, is no longer a “strong female character” but has taken on the role of the classic damsel in distress. One crucial element of this new character’s persona is that he must absolutely not be a threat to Damien. This would put too much of a strain on the fragile nerves of your purple-cat-eyed damsel, causing her to faint and swoon and would bring your novel swiftly to an end.
Now you can move your story forwards. Well, not really forwards, but your story will at least move. Sort of. By adding this second MAPD, you have now provided your damsel with the opportunity to whine for pages and pages, and chapters and chapters, and for the entire rest of the novel about how absolutely horrible her life is and how it’s just so hard to have two perfect, strong, handsome, mysteriously alluring men interested in her at the same time.

STEP 6: Shit, this is going nowhere…let’s leave it up to the tweens!
Introducing a second male character also plays well into attracting the attentions of the all-important aforementioned tween demographic. Rather than create conflict on the pages of your “novel,” the conflict will leap off the pages and invade the web spaces of tween girls everywhere. They will fight ruthlessly amongst themselves over which of these impossibly beautiful, strong men would be perfect for your leading lady. When no resolution is reached, the fight will become personal:
Which of these men would be like, perfect, for Tiff to date? OMG I bet Daymyn would totally be there to take you to Prom!
The debates will be heated. There will be t-shirts, facebook groups, bumper stickers, bookmarks, buttons, posters, and OMG these really cute, like, wristbandy things! Now that your readers feel like they’re actually part of your “story”, your work is done.

I’m so joining all of these groups.

STEP 7: Quit while you’re ahead. Seriously. Stop writing.
Once the tweens break out the wristbands you’re set. Bring your story up to it’s most climactic moment (you know, that moment when your leading lady has fainted and her two suitors are about to fight each other for her hand in marriage) and then STOP WRITING. This cliffhanger ending will ensure you months if not years of popularity and will only increase the amount of money you will be offered to write the next book. HOWEVER, (and this is very important so pay attention!) you don’t need to write another word. Once you are offered a movie deal, accept it, make buckets of cash, and retire young. But most importantly…and I mean this in all seriousness: STOP WRITING.

PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP WRITING.

Call it creative freedom, call it “artistic liberties”, call it whatever you want. Just please, STOP WRITING.

Thanks.
Let Mirth Prevail!

Rebecca,
Production Editor