The record scratch sound effect

Nothing takes the sting out of getting news of a terminal illness like the relaxing sound of a metal needle screeching across vinyl.

Friendly robots

Sorry evil robots, but you’ve had your Terminator movies and they’re sucking now. It’s time for those sex bots from AI to start with the sucking.

(Jude Law did plenty of sucking, but wasn’t very friendly, so he doesn’t quite make the cut.)

The phrase “wacky misadventures”

I assure you, this phrase can’t be overused: cartoons, church, PhD dissertations, no situation is too unwacky.

Kicking in the door as an appropriate way to enter a room

Every time I touch a doorknob with my hands, my balls shrivel a little. However, when my foot breaks down that door, they ripen like genetically engineered cantaloupes.

(That door knows exactly what I’m talking about.)

Girls who put out

NO COUGARS

Taylor Serieses

Oh, don’t know what that is? Maybe it’s because it’s not in the Zeitgeist. Learn it, it’ll save your God damn life.

The band Devo

What happened to those crazy bastards?

(Seriously though, are they dead or what?)

Crying girls getting slapped by a man who is as badass as they are whiny

Bonus points if he says the following: “Tears won’t accomplish anything! We need to shape the fuck up! This world needs saving!”

PCP!

In the words of Wayne Brady, “Angel dust, Sherman Helmsley, love boat, Ashy Larry.

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By Desmond Nathanson, Staff Writer