Why I’m Not Fit for a “Real” Relationship

For the few of us at Phroth with actual relationship experience, *cough cough*, I’d like to voice a small opinion of mine that goes unsaid for most people in a floundering, mmmm… seafood, relationship. 

Some like to exit a relationship in a graceful and friendly manner, but down deep, most want to not only break their partner’s heart, but get a cheap laugh while they’re at it. 

Sometimes it’s not “tasteful” to voice your “true” opinion about someone, but other times a relationship just needs to end on a “high note.”

Now, if you really want to get lodged in someone’s krill (that sounds hot), take them by surprise and “Pearl Harbor” the shit out of them by dumping them with a “loving,” yet edgy dialogue at an unsuspected time (suitable times include Thanksgiving dinner in front of their family, Valentine’s Day or your wedding).

For instance, this dialogue is both wittier and more mentally scarring than the cleverness-lacking “It’s not you it’s me,” line because we all know it’s damn well you and not me causing problems: 

You: Baby, you know I love you with ALL of my heart and ALL of my soul.

Girlfriend/Boyfriend: Aw, I love you too, [insert your name].

You: HA! HA! I have no heart and I have no soul!

Get up and run away.

If all goes well, you have successfully gotten out of another below par/”worthwhile” relationship. Kudos.

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by Brandon Scott Wolf
Phroth Staff Writer

A new study by Sarah Zucherman (sophomore-education) hypothesizes that her singleness is linked to natural selection. The idea came to her after her Intro to Biological Anthropology lecture on Tuesday.

“We learned that animals only mate with partners who have desirable traits, and I was like, holy shit, I must have an abnormality that makes guys not want to date me,” said Sarah.

Sarah, who aims to be an elementary school science teacher, gathered data for her research at a party on Saturday night at Delta Kappa. She measured and recorded the lengths of various women’s pinky finger. She also noted if the women were single or in some form of a relationship.

“Yeah, I was at that party. It totally sucked,” said Mike Quinn (Junior-Finance), “there was this crazy girl who wouldn’t let people dance because she wanted to measure them or some shit.”

After analyzing the data she collected, Sarah determined that there is no link between pinky length and being single.

“I was disappointed with the results, but that just means I have to keep looking,” said Sarah. “I owe it to science and girls like me everywhere.” She will next examine nasal bridge width, then earwax viscosity.

She plans on returning to the frat, with her ruler, until she finds the cause of her singleness.

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by Cathryn Snyder, Phroth Staff Writer