Just as some people enjoy preparing for the holiday season several months in advance, I enjoy preparing for Girl Scout Cookie season. Before we know it, Girl Scout Cookies will once again be sold door-to-door across America and beyond. These delicious goodies are special commodities that are genuine in their taste as well as their purpose…

…Or are they?

All this time, the Girl Scouts of America have been claiming to instill good morals in the children involved in the program. They have pledged to build character and virtuous behavior in each and every girl associated.

In fact, here is what Girl Scouts of America feels YOU, the reader, should know about their organization.

“Girl Scouts of the USA is the world’s preeminent organization dedicated solely to girls—all girls—where, in an accepting and nurturing environment, girls build character and skills for success in the real world. In partnership with committed adult volunteers, girls develop qualities that will serve them all their lives, like leadership, strong values, social conscience, and conviction
about their own potential and self-worth.”

Great stuff, right?

Of course, the Girls need to raise money in order to fund their program, just as anyone does. So they set out, going door-to-door, asking household owners and residents for a small donation in return for a scrumptious snack at a later date. The Girls never disappoint with this, as the cookies are delivered on time and in excellent condition.

My personal favorite cookie is the Tagalong. Smooth, creamy peanut butter coupled with a light, crisp wafer, all surrounded by a perfect allotment of chocolate covering. And we can’t forget the partially hydrogenated vegetable oil to top it all off. Ah, how glorious. In fact, I find them so good that I’ve been known to consume several hundred boxes of Tagalongs in one sitting.

This is great for the taste buds, but perhaps not so great on the rest of the body.

Your good ole’ nutrition facts

As we can see here in the picture, Tagalongs aren’t exactly easy on the weight-conscious person. 10g of Fat, 4g of that being Saturated; this cannot bode well for anyone watching his or her figure. However, rest assured. This is not the content of one cookie, but actually TWO!

So you get to indulge in the satisfaction of two delicious morsels for the now-meager price of 10g of fat. Gee, I wonder how many servings are allotted to me within this particular package of chocolaty-peanut-butter goodness?

If you’re having trouble seeing, that says 2 Cookies per serving… 8 Servings per Box. Okay. I can handle that. Cool.

All right. So I can look forward to sixteen tantalizing pieces of buttery sweetness per box. Good so far, right?

Now… the moment we’ve all been waiting for… to finally open up the box. Here is a photograph of a typical Tagalong container. Those of you with a weak stomach may choose to look away now, as the following image may contain graphic content in the form of scandalous snack foods:

Your typical Tagalong box, Steigy

Wow, this is excellent. As you can see, I’ve already taken some liberties with this particular box of Tagalongs, effectively obliterating the first two rows of cookies before realizing what had happened. While I’m here, though, I think I’ll count how many I have left.

Let’s see… Four cookies left in the last row, with one already missing. That’s five total per row. Cool. Three rows in the box makes…

…

Wait a tick…

…

That’s bullshit! Where the fuck is my sixteenth cookie!

The Girl Scouts of America have fucked everyone over. They have KNOWINGLY listed SIXTEEN cookies on the outside of the box, when they have KNOWINGLY packaged fifteen, because there are FIFTEEN RIDGES IN WHICH TO PLACE THE COOKIES!

AAAUUGGGHHH!

I’m actually more pissed that there are only 5 slots per row. They could easily fit 1-2 more Tagalongs per row and still maintain the same box width. That’s really where they’re fucking everyone over, although the deceptive nature of the nutrition facts is gay too.

The long arm of the law will soon reach the likes of Girl Scouts everywhere. Until then, we can only hope that this deception ceases elsewhere.

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By Gene Frederick, Lead Designer