Greetings loyal Phroth fans and the unlucky few that tried to search for fat girls getting raped on Google (look in our archives), and welcome to my first entry of Phlogging Abroad! My name is Jimmy Mayers, and during my final semester at Penn State I will be scribing everything from the important to the superfluous details of my time in Trondheim, Norway. It is nearing the end of my second week in this country and I was planning to write while on the plane, but it turns out that lack of sleep and nicotine turn what can be funny observations into complete malice towards everyone and everything. So let’s start by recapping my time at the airport.

God do I hate airports. I hate everything about them. I hate the fact that I have to take my shoes off, take my computer out of the bag, take everything out of my pockets, take off my coat and hoodie, go through security, and then trying to put everything back together in less than 15 seconds after it goes through the X-ray. I hate the fact that for every employee with a smile there are 15 who are total cocks. Seriously, most staff at airports are on par with the CATA bus drivers (except for the whistling bus driver, shine on you crazy diamond).

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CATA, you may not know this, but I’m in love with you. It’s true. Head over heels in love. Your bus service is just too exemplary. It’s too prompt. It is above and beyond.

When I saw that you started a new bus service to Stormstown this year, I fell in love all over again. Finally, we have a way to get to beautiful, exciting, culturally relevant Stormstown. I took this Stormstown “G” bus the other day, and I was blown away. Did you know there is an IHOP in downtown Stormstown? I do now, thanks to you CATA. An IHOP! I mean thank god someone finally had the sense to send a bus there. You did CATA. That was all you. It’s just another great addition to an already great fleet of popular CATA buses: Boalsburg, Science Park, Houserville. The list goes on and on. Even when I see these buses completely empty in the middle of the day while bus stops are overflowing with students trying to get to campus or back to their apartments, it gives me peace of mind that if I really wanted to go to Pleasant Gap, I could. It’s making me all tingly just thinking about it.

And as I wait for the Vairo Boulevard “V” bus with thirty other kids now substantially late for class, I am glad knowing that the two people on that G bus are about to eat a delicious and nutritious IHOP breakfast. And that breakfast was made possible by you CATA. No, seriously! It was! Take some credit! I love your humility. It’s one of the reasons I fell for you in the first place. As I watch yet another full V bus rattle on by without even stopping, I know that you are making the world a better place, CATA. And as I feel the elbow of an old immigrant woman in my side and this kid who is so close to my crotch that in several states we are legally having sexual intercourse, I know those two people on the G bus are just minutes from enjoying their breakfast and exploring all of the exciting landmarks of beautiful, bustling Stormstown. We should go get some pancakes sometime, CATA. And when we do, I know just how we’ll get there.

Love,
Matt

PS: I’m pregnant.

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By Matt Powers, Head Writer