Wish: To be on the front page of the newspaper
The Catch: It’s reporting on your death by autoerotic asphyxiation in the middle of a crowded place

Wish: To get a 100 on an exam
The Catch: It’s out of 300 points

Wish: For the world to get rid of its nuclear weapon
The Catch: They do so by launching them directly at your house.

Wish: A lifetime supply of donuts
The Catch: You die tomorrow. Not because of irony, because the donuts are high in fat and will give you a heart attack

Wish: To live forever
The Catch: You have just been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s

Wish: To have a servant tasked specifically with hand-feeding you grapes while you recline in the sun
The Catch: She doesn’t shave her pits.

Wish: Unlimited free groceries for the rest of your college career
The Catch: They’re all vegetables

Wish: To be a celebrity
The Catch: It’s because of a sex tape

Wish: Sex with a porn star.
The Catch: Gay porn.

Wish: To never forget anything you learn in class.
The Catch: The professor covers an in-depth photo montage of oozing sores.

Wish: To have a Bluetooth head set.
The Catch: You’re a douchebag. No, you in real life. Wanting a Bluetooth makes you a flaming sack of douche.

Wish: To be the funniest person alive.
The Catch: Researchers discover laughter causes cancer.

Wish: To know everything.
The Catch: Nobody likes a know-it-all, so shut the fuck up.

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By Matt Woodward, Rebecca Eisenberg and Desmond Nathanson