As a Penn State student, you are clearly one of the most inquisitive, knowledge seeking, and academically driven young people in the country. So to be constantly bombarded by Penn State lore from day one freshman year can be troubling. Because we know you are too busy to open up a wikipedia tab and find these answers, we here at Phroth have answered some of Penn State’s biggest head scratchers.

1. Just how old is Joe Pa?

Tough to say. Modern scholarship says Mr. Paterno is in his “Late Classical” period but this is only a guess at best. What we do know is that a “Joseph Paterno” both signed the Magna Carta and the ledger at Ellis Island (for “country of origin,” he wrote “none of your damn business”). His age is also dependent on whether you accept the “Paterno Triassic Theory” or not. Wikipedia says 83, but we can only guess this a conspiracy by the Catholic Church because Paterno is the missing link in Darwin’s theory.

2. Is Beaver Stadium really the biggest stadium in the world?

Well, yes and no. Technically North Korea’s Rungrado May Day Stadium is the largest and boasts a capacity of 150,000. But it’s never been full because at no point have 150,000 North Koreans not been imprisoned, in slave labor, or horrifically oppressive tenant farming to fill the seats. Also, North Korea has been known to lie about its nuclear program, so maybe its lying about its stadium too. I’ll believe it when those North Korean bastards finally lob a nuke over the Pacific. So yes, Beaver Stadium is the biggest stadium in the world (other than Yuva Bharati Krirangan in India of course).

3. How many students on average get lost in the stacks each year?

If they’re a Penn State student going to the library, nobody worth counting.

4. Who coined “We are Penn State!”?

After much scientific research, it has actually been discovered to be a phenomenon in the State College area. If one consumes at least 3.5 liters of a gin bucket or finishes an entire Four-Oh, the body’s first reaction is to shout this popular call and response chant.

5. Is it worth it to sleep with a sorority girl?

Ah yes, the age old “Pinto Paradox,” you’re guaranteed an in, but what about crabs? Well you can take the Phrothie patented Clitmus Test© (Is there a better word play than Clitmus? I hope so. My mom reads this blog.-Ed.) have her pee on the stick. If it turns beet red, then get ready for trouble. If it’s clear, then you’re in the clear.

6. Who is really Phrothie the Jester?

We aren’t really certain. However, we can provide this list of men who have not been seen in the same room as Phrothie the Jester:
Barack Obama
JoePa
Superman
Jesus Christ
Batman
Dolf Lundgren

7. Could JoePa make an offensive line so strong, he himself could not break it?

Theologians have debated this for years, with little ground gained on either side. We personally like to cite the Willard Preacher on this, “Blah blah, Jesus, blah blah blah, unborn children, blah blah, hell, blah blah, fuck Iowa.”

8. Does Graham Spanier really answer every e-mail sent to him personally?

Yes. His penis is one-hundred-and-thirty-four inches long and he has given his social security number to the presidents of nearly thirty fictional countries.

9. Is it true that every student must participate in THON?

No. Anybody who hates helping kids with cancer is perfectly free not to participate. See Phroth writer Jeremy Popkin for proof.

10. Why is the sky blue and white?

It’s called Rayleigh scattering. Look it up asshole.

————–

By Matt Powers, Desmond Nathanson, Rebecca Eisenberg and Jeremy Popkin

Because the Penn State football apparently doesn’t draw enough fans by itself anymore (they only averaged 108,000 fans per game last year), the University has decided to add some wacky theme ideas to boost attendance. They ended up deciding on the same themes as your high school’s spirit week club, but it wasn’t that easy. Our lawyer has advised us against saying how, but we got a hold of the original list. Take a look at some of the rejected theme ideas:

Grey Out

Opponent’s Team Colors Day

Brand New Shirt Day

Sober Day

————–

Photoshopping by Paul Bradley, Jordan Talmadge and Rebecca Eisenberg

In case you haven’t heard, Phroth is turning 100 this year, and yet still we are overshadowed by things that are much less old on this campus. The Pattee Library? 72 years old. The Lion Shrine? Only 67 years old. The Agriculture Science building? Only three years old! Come on!

But because our goal is to deliver unbiased, exemplary and hard-hitting journalism, we will print the facts without the rage that festers inside of us over our hurt feelings of being looked over so often. Here’s what Penn State is doing to a 49 year old structure, the beloved Beaver Stadium.

Penn State to Demolish Beaver Stadium and Replace With a Full Size Scale Model
by Matt Powers, Phollegian Editor

In a joint athletic department and university zoning committee meeting, it was on decided on Wednesday that Beaver Stadium will be completely demolished. In its place, the university will build a 1:1 scale model of the former stadium. Reportedly, this identical model will be the home field for the Penn State Nittany Lion football team.

“Beaver Stadium has been around for so long,” said Greg Hopkins, director of the university zoning committee. “And that is why we have to knock it down to the ground. Out with the old, and in with the new. When we thought about what should be put in its place, the overwhelming consensus was to put an identical model of the beloved stadium. I think we’re all pretty happy with the turnout.”

Reportedly, the current Beaver Stadium, built in 1960, is in fine structural condition and meets all safety codes, but the joint committee felt that a real change needed to be made.

“I don’t know, I guess I kinda agree,” Ashley Gibbons (senior- bio engineering). “I mean, that stadium has been around for so long. It’s about time we got a new one. And to have the new one be just like the old one, well, I think that’s just the tops.”

Vice president Herman Lechner also commended the decision. “I think the knocking down of Beaver Stadium only to raise a full size scale model is just what this university needs right now. We’re always doing construction all over campus, often for unnecessarily long and inconvenient periods of time. We need all the practice in useless, inefficient construction we can get.”

The demolition and subsequent construction will begin in the summer of this year and is projected to be done in the spring of 2028. Until then, the football team will play all of their home games on the HUB lawn, unless people playing are already ultimate frisbee on it, in which case the team will wait until they are done.