VANCOUVER, BC—Against all odds, the unknown Canadian hockey team defeated the historically dominant American team to win gold this Sunday by a score of 3-2 in overtime. The victory is especially shocking considering most of the Canadian players are under 25, none play for a professional team, and several didn’t know what hockey even was until several weeks prior to the start of the Olympic Games.

“Hockey isn’t a big deal in Canada,” said Team Canada left winger and pig farmer Pete Shenck. “It isn’t played in Canadian schools and our climate isn’t really suitable for it, so no one really pays much attention to it.”

The game wasn’t broadcasted in Canada and local television stations were forced to ask NBC for copies of the tape after finding out about the victory eight hours after it happened.

“It was a huge embarrassment,” said Team USA captain and national hero Johnny Jones. “We thought we had already won after beating Finland. I mean Canada? Who are these guys? They didn’t even field a team in 2006 for Christ sake. Americans live and breathe hockey, and I feel like I let them down, especially because the player salaries alone were over fifty million dollars. The nation will be in mourning.”

It is yet to be seen if this upset loss will hurt Jones’ powerful sway over his throngs of fans. Most experts credit him as the reason Obama won North Carolina after doing a photo op at a local ice rink in 2008.

“We lost in hockey,” said Milwaukee resident Adam Jefferson. “What’s the point to living now?”

Across the border, all of Canada is buzzing about their surprise gold medalists.

“Hockey? Never heard of it,” said Victoria native Patricia Planter. “But who cares? We won gold in curling baby! CANADA!”

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By Matt Powers, Head Writer

Ever since the Princeton Review named Penn State 2009’s “number one party school” in the nation, University of Florida students, the 2008 recipients of this distinction, have been up in arms. Many are demanding that a national playoff system be put in place to determine a true winner.

“This system is totally bullshit,” University of Florida student Chris Franklin (junior – drunk) said. “This voting system is totally unfair. First they take a poll among the Princeton Review board of directors, and then the rest of the season, it’s all computer rankings. There’s no way that computers should decide something of such importance like number one party school. It’s disrespectful to all large state universities. Now will you help me hold this kid’s legs so he can keg this shit?”

The party school computer rankings takes into account average blood alcohol content on a Wednesday, number of bars in the downtown area, and the cubic tonnage of puke on the sidewalk on a Sunday morning.

“It’s about time we had a playoff,” Florida student Carly Hosdale (sophomore – completely wasted right now) said. “Ok so take the top eight schools, and then week by week they go head to head in things like beer pong, flip cup and sneaking your totally bombed friend past the cops on the corner. Whoever wins at the end is the champion. I can’t believe Florida got squeezed out this year. We have a really good student body this year that is very committed to partying. We passed around a flask during my Chem midterm last week. Do you know what the average was? A 20. Yeah that’s right, a twenty. Fuck you Penn State.”

“I hear the calls for reform,” Party School Ranking System commissioner Tom Folsom said. “But we have a good system now. Penn State earned their title. You have to look beyond the statistics. Take Penn State’s strength of schedule. They don’t get President’s Day off. That’s a prime drinking day right there. But Penn State has been up to the task to make up for these obstacles, and we rewarded them for that.”

In related news, the University of Florida football team beat Vanderbilt this weekend with a “pretty serious buzz on” according to team officials.

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By Matt Powers, Head Writer

The feeling from the Penn State football team is one of utter terror at the thought of playing the Eastern Illinois Panthers at Beaver Stadium this Saturday. Penn State players, coaches, and fans are all fearing the worst for their Nittany Lion football team come kickoff this weekend.

“I think it’s best if we just take what is given to us,” Penn State quarterback Daryl Clark said. “We are certainly going to lose, but hopefully we can take some positives from this game, like a couple solid punts or really good sportsmanship. But in all honesty I hope I can leave the field with all my limbs intact, because these guys are just ferocious athletes.”

Eastern Illinois is 4-1 in Division Two play and has beat some of the best teams in the powerhouse “Ohio Valley” district like Austin Peay and Indiana State. While they are not BCS ranked, most coaches around the league are voicing their opinion that should be a top five national contender team.

“Oh yeah, put them at number one,” legendary Penn State coach Joe Paterno said. “Not just because I think they’re a great football team, but because I’m afraid they’ll hurt me and my team if I don’t say nice things about them. These guys are serious ball players.”

“If we can hold them under fifty I think we’ve done our job,” Penn State linebacker Sean Lee said. “Did you see what they did to the behemoth Southern Missouri? It was disgusting. I just hope they take a little mercy on us and put in their backups when they get their 30 point lead early in the second quarter. It will give our squad good practice for more manageable opponents like Michigan and Ohio State.

Lee did admit that he is looking forward to after the game. “I hope I can meet some of their guys after they’re done dismantling us. I really look up to them.”

Eastern Illinois players and coaching staff was unavailable for comment because their team bus broke down on the way to Penn State.

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By Matt Powers, Head Writer

After a disappointing 21-10 loss to the University of Iowa, many Nittany Lions fans were left wondering how they could lose in their own stadium during a whiteout. After examining video footage from dozens of cameras and interviewing thousands of people in attendance, researchers believe they found an answer.

Apparently, Woodrow Kruse (junior- history) did not comply with the game’s theme and wear all white. A friend of his told us “He thought he was wearing all white, but under closer scrutiny, his shirt and pants were clearly eggshell, maybe ivory at best”. Some theorize that Kruse’s wardrobe was originally white, but he put them in the wash with colored clothes, causing other colors to bleed onto it. Others believe that he is simply a dumbass.

This is not the first time Penn State’s football team has lost because of the actions of a singular fan. In a 2007 game against Ohio State, the Lions lost after one student failed to crack open their glowstick at the correct moment. Other games were hindered by attendees failing to sing along with “Song 2″ by Blur or by coming in sober.

Phroth would like to note that they do not condone tarring and feathering people. But we’ll make an exception in this case. If you see him, feel free to do whatever.

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By Matt Woodward, Blog Editor

by Hal Dworkin
Phroth Staff Writer 

NANTUCKET, Ma – Sides came to blows Monday afternoon over disputed election results of the local cross-country running club iRan. Protesters claiming the presidential election was a fraud lined the lanes of the local track where the team practices, preventing other people from running. Officers of the club, which is sponsored by computer behemoth Apple, showed up to kick the protesters off the track but ended up kicking their asses. “After they refused to move we had no choice but to start using deadly force, lest their voices start being heard,” said an official iRan spokesperson.

The controversy started last week after the election for the club’s president between incumbent president Molly Aman and Harry Munster. Molly Aman is the hardline candidate who believes all the clubs members should always run in a straight line and as hard as they can. Harry Munster is the reformist candidate. He believes members of the club should pace themselves during long extended runs, as well as better relations with the United States. 

Aman declared herself the winner of a landslide election two minutes after the polls closed, claiming 18 votes out of 25, winning by 11 votes. Munster and his followers cried foul, claiming that the election was tampered with and demanded a new election take place.

Supreme Runner Alison Khan, the iRan member with more power than anyone in the club, supported Aman during the campaign and rejected the idea for a new election in a speech to iRan. She also went onto say that if that protests continue that Munster and his followers would be held responsible for what occurs next, which would be the prevention of other people from running, she clarified in a later statement.

Khan also has barred anyone in iRan from speaking to the media unless they are a club official and has restricted media access to the track where the club runs. However, Phroth has been able to gather information on what is happening in iRan through videos posted to Youtube and tweets posted to Twitter. “This is amazing! There are literally tens of us here in protest to this fraudulent election!” tweeted Runstar2009.

IloVeBAkedgOodS420, another twit, tweeted this message only five minutes ago, “So I, uh, like totally went down to the track today for some exercise, but there were these squares on track demonstrating about the Iranian election. Why the track man?”

Meanwhile, Munster has not been seen for several days. Some believe him to be dead, but his Facebook status currently reads, “Went to Miami to chill out for a while. HELLS YEAH!” Five people reportedly like this.

Republican members of the Senate have been viewing the Supreme Court confirmation hearings of Sonia Sotomayor as a chance to reestablish the rich white base of the party through racism. Sotomayor is a Hispanic woman who was nominated to the high court by President Obama earlier this week.

“This is exactly what the GOP needs right now,” Republican junior senator from Kansas Bernard Johnson said. “We’ve lost the White House, Congress, and really our identity. We’re Republicans. Racism is really what we do best. This will bring the party together.”

“It will be more passive aggressive if anything,” Wyoming Senator James Huntington explained. “We’ll probably mispronounce her name, not really listen to her answers, and insinuate that she’s un-American because she’s not white. I’m really looking forward to it.”

Despite the importance of the Hispanic vote, the fastest increasing population in the United States, Republican strategist John Lodge is unconcerned about alienating this voting demographic during the hearings.

“We stopped paying attention to election results in the 70’s,” Lodge said. “Yeah it’s great if we win one, but here at the GOP we’ve always been more comfortable with shadow government run by scared wealthy white men that is unaccountable to the people. It’s what the founding fathers wanted”

Senator Bernard said that he didn’t want to “give anything away,” but he is cooking up an oblique comparison between Sotomayor and illegal immigrants that he may sneak in to one of his questions. As Bernard explains, “Look, we have Mike Steele, a black man, as the head of our party. Us! Republicans! A minority leader! We’ve earned this.”

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by Matt Powers, Head Writer

WEST CHESTER, Pa. – Singer songwriter Asher Roth, best known for his single, I Love College, has taken his newfound success from his debut album, Asleep in the Bread Aisle, to new heights. Roth has just finished his follow up (and soon-to-be hit) single, I’m Okay with Grad School, which will be released with his new album,Waking up in a Hospital Ward.

The man who once sang, “I wanna go to college for the rest of my life,” is apparently set on that depressing Van Wilder-esque path. 

Roth, a former West Chester University undergrad, released the new hit to coincide with his acceptance to the university’s grad school program.

Roth boasts throughout his new recording that higher education is mad fulfilling. Lyrics include, “I get up at eight and proctor tests, I help kids during office hours, and I’m okay with grad school.”

His nonthreatening, less psychotic, whitey rap has been compared to Eminem, but Roth has said, “Em is dope and all, but after four years of college, I have matured and want to take up a career in elementary school education.”

I Love College was Roth’s first highly acclaimed single aimed toward freshmen in college, but I’m Okay with Grad School is aimed toward a less stupid audience. 

“I’ve turned a new leaf. I don’t want to party in fraternities with half naked bitties and the elderly,” said Roth. “My parents aren’t paying to put me through grad school to be an overly white douchetool. I’m here to show people how to have a good time while grading papers and wearing V-neck sweaters.”

The I’m Okay with Grad School music video was taped in the WCU library and focuses on Roth filling paperwork, enjoying thick reads and telling that loud kid on the phone to, “please shush, please shush, silence is appreciated, silence is appreciated, thank you, thank you.”

“When I woke up next to a human-sized turtle mascot with his finger in my shoot is when I decided I needed to clean up my act,” said Roth. “I have TA responsibilities now.”

Roth is currently writing his thesis on white people breaking into an industry where they don’t belong.

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by Brandon Scott Wolf, Phroth Staff Writer/Phollegian Editor

Jersey Shore, Pa Overrun with Guidos

JERSEY SHORE, Pa.- Jersey Shore mayor Mark Lehman announced the town officially has a guido problem during yesterday’s town hall meeting. The announcement was made after several hundred complaints were given by town residents.

“Those boys and their fake tans, pink popped collar shirts, cheap cologne, and shitty techno music are ruining this town,” said Jersey Shore resident Ted Stewart, who was present at yesterday’s meeting. “We need to do something about this quick. I’d rather burn in hell than become New Jersey Jr.”

Mayor Lehman said Guido sightings are a common occurrence in his town, especially during spring break season, when many college students confuse the small Pennsylvania town with the Jersey beach, but Lehman has noticed the number dramatically increase this year.

“I don’t know what it is, but the guidos just aren’t going away this year. Usually they stick around for just a day or two, but they aren’t leaving. You can’t even walk down Main Street anymore; it smells like a cheap French whorehouse. It’s terrible,” said Lehman.

“I don’t know what everyone’s problem is. I just put the directions into Map Quest and this is where it took me. We’re all just trying to chill, understand what I’m talking about, broski,” said Rutgers junior Vince Fortelli.

To alleviate the problem, Lehman said that all bottles of Axe Body Spray, hair gel, and Asher Roth albums will be moved to nearby Williamsport. Until the problem is solved, Lehman recommends residents stay indoors and not look directly at the guidos’ neon orange skin, which is known to cause blindness.

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by Andrew Cass, Phroth Staff Writer

Guitar Hero: Metallica Sales Only Surpassed by Guitar Hero: Silence

The newest release in the Guitar Hero series, “Guitar Hero: Metallica” has shown decent sales, but continues to place second in music related video games to other new release “Guitar Hero: Silence.” This is the second consecutive week that the Metallica version of the game has sold fewer copies than the silence one.

“I’m really proud of ‘Guitar Hero: Metallica,’” Activision president Kevin Gooden said in a prepared statement. “While I think ‘Guitar Hero: Silence’ is a strong title as well, the player literally does nothing for four minute periods at a time. There is no music playing and no buttons to press. It’s like $80 for the game and all the instruments that aren’t used. But it’s still selling more than Metallica.”

“We haven’t come up with conclusive evidence as to why ‘Guitar Hero: Metallica’ isn’t performing as well as other titles we have out,” Activision marketing team manager Lewis Peer explained. “I mean, when you pay outrageous sums of money to feature a band that hasn’t made a relevant or even halfway listenable CD since the late eighties in a high cost video game, you expect instant success. This one is really stumping the marketing and production teams here.”

Third party video game researcher Linda Gershwin has also had trouble pinpointing an explanation.

“I’ve narrowed it down to one of two things: Either consumers don’t want to listen to and play along with awful, contrived uninspired songs that all kind of melt into one big earsplitting headache, or the packaging isn’t eye catching enough. It’s a toss-up.”

“I’ve played both at my friend’s place, and I really like ‘Guitar Hero: Silence,’” Greg Fullerton, a University of Chicago grad student said. “It is relaxing to play along with my favorite silent tunes. I think that the choice of characters, the hidden features, and the guitar riffs are much stronger in the silent version.”

James Hetfield, the guitarist for Metallica, seemed unconcerned with the sales report but did angrily ask repeatedly if someone was illegally downloading something he had made.

“Guitar Hero: Styx” and “Guitar Hero: Poison” are set for 2010 release.

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by Matt Powers, Phollegian Editor

The Phollegian Throughout History

The Phroth Phollegian was founded in 1909 as the Phree Phlance, and published once every new moon. Because of the slow rate at which information traveled, the upstart paper was forced to make up its’ own stories. In 1911, it became the Phenn Phstate Phollegian and tripled circulation in the next five years (Unfortunately, tripling zero still results in zero). When it seemed like the newspaper was on the verge of folding, someone suggested a revolutionary new way of doing business. Taking their advice, the Phollegian staff distributed their paper around campus, rather than just dumping it into a river.

In 1940, the publication was rechristened as the Phaily Phollegian, and student journalists would spend the decade reporting on the big stories of the World War (the first one, though). Their reach around State College and influence grew, with more Phollegians being used to cover floors while painting than any other newspaper. In 1969, it began running a crossword puzzle, and the average GPA plummeted by twenty percent as a result.

College to Embrace “Di-versity”

With the debate on the matter of Kraut suffrage reaching a consensus, the Pennsylvania State College of Pennsylvania enacted bold new statutes that would grant legitimacy to the emerging concept of “di-versity”.

In accordance with “di-versity”, quotas dictating enrollment of ethnic minorities will be enacted. Commencing with the upcoming 1914 academic annum, the Pennsylvania State College of Pennsylvania will be required to enroll three Irish-men, four Iberians, two males of Greek persuasion, five Poles, and one China-man. These students will represent forty percent of the student population.

For the purpose of displaying a tolerance for the creeds of others, mandatory daily chapel services will be available to both Protestant and Anglican students. The filthy Roman Catholics, with their false idol in the Vatican, will continue to be denied a regular mass.

Many undergraduates have welcomed “Di-versity”. Albert Pew (Junior, agricultural engineering) ejaculated “I welcome my brethren from the bad parts of the European sub-continent”. William Smithson (Senior, agricultural studies) said “May they let us replicate their presumably superior class notes”.

Other students consider “Di-versity” to be daft. Evan Forester (Sophomore, pre-agriculture) exclaimed “This acceptance of those who are not Anglo-Saxon is just going go further! It’s the Irish now, but tomorrow, it might be the Scotch-Irish!”

January 7th, 1965

U.S. Military Invents Gaydar
New Technology Breakthrough Allows Advanced Detection of Homosexuality

After years of research, the U.S. Military unveiled something they called “Gaydar”. A top general explained to us “We figured that if we could use radar to detect enemy aircraft and ships, we could use it do detect affinity for those of the same gender”.

America has responded to this revolutionary technology with a mixture of wonderment and skepticism. “When I saw Liberace perform on the Ed Sullivan show wearing a sequined cape, thigh-high leggings, and a lavender strap-on phallus, I didn’t suspect a thing. But with Gaydar, it all seems so obvious” said Marie George, a housewife from New York. After using Gaydar, Joseph Albee, a Catholic father of eight in San Francisco’s Castro district said “What the hell am I doing here?” Others had their doubts. “According to the Gaydar, Jorge, the strapping young lad who decorated my rumpus room, is one of them homosexualists. But, he doesn’t prey on my impressionable young children. How can that be?” said Edith Gold, a housewife from Bear, Nevada.

A common test for Gaydar has been on celebrities and movie characters. According to the device, movie super-spy James Bond is way off the gay charts.

Military and civilian experts alike agree that Gaydar will revolutionize the way we find out who eats hair pie and who cleans brown pipes.

October 5th, 1986

Letters D, J, and W Join Divestment Campaign against Sesame Street

Joining an ever growing divestment campaign to protest Children’s Television Workshop’s involvement with the Apartheid-practicing government of South Africa, the letters D, J, and W announced that they would no longer sponsor Sesame Street. “The actions of these three letters has brought our Coalition of the Spelling up to ten letters and four numbers, and we will make ourselves heard!” said the number six, a founding member of the campaign.

A spokesperson for CTW said “We could do without J, as he’s the youngest letter and his sponsorships were interchangeable with those of the letter I up until a few hundred years ago, but D and W come as big losses to us. How will we spell “woodpecker” without them?”

When reached for comment, the letter D said “I was thinking of pulling my sponsorship for a while, this was a convenient excuse. I really doubt that my money’s doing anything. Elmo is going insane, and one of them is still living in a garbage can!”

In order to further promote the campaign, the Coalition of the Spelling has hired Peter Gabriel, who will rewrite the lyrics of his hit song “Sledgehammer” to explain Apartheid to children. The song will be sung as a duet with Kermit the Frog, who himself is a supporter of the divestment campaign.

May 3rd, 1993

Thomas Out, Clinton In As University President

Taking advantage of the transfer of power in Washtington, Joab L. Thomas stepped down as university president, his position slated to be filled by United States President Bill Clinton’s brother Roger.

Although Roger has no experience in academia and served jail time for cocaine possession in the 1980s, university officials deemed his character flaws a minor trade-off for having a connection to the highest levels of government.

The move was an attempt to re-capture a moment of time in the early fifties when Milton Eisenhower, the brother of then-current president Dwight, headed the college. Those in charge hope that such a situation will lead to another boom period in the university’s growth.

Higher-ups at the university are patting themselves on the back for their decision. “We missed a golden opportunity when Billy Carter turned down our offer twenty-five years ago, but we fixed that this time” said one department head.

Among Roger’s plans for Penn State are an indoor arena named after former president Bryce Jordan where cockfighting matches can be held, and a new set of engineering buildings to replace the ones he lost in a poker match last night.

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by Matt Woodward, Phroth Staff Writer