BULLS GAP, W.Va.—Tragedy struck the small town of Bulls Gap, West Virginia on Sunday when mother-of-two Amberly Hickenstock slaughtered 11 of her neighbors.

According to police, the trouble began when Hickenstock received a miniature statue that read “Number One Mother” from her son Cleetus. Hickenstock, who apparently believed the gift was an official award, began celebrating by going door-to-door to gloat about her achievement.

“I didn’t expect her to take the gift so seriously,” said Cleetus Hickenstock.

The trouble began when Hickenstock arrived at the home of Becky-Anne Murphy with intentions of “Taking that hoity-toity bitch down a peg. Her with her damned electricity.”

Murphy responded by laughing in her face, showing that she also had a trophy, and saying that many other mothers probably had that same trophy.

Hickenstock responded to that by gouging Murphy’s eyes out and strangling to death her with her own belt.

Determined to be the only number-one-mother in town, Hickenstock set out to eliminate all those who may attempt to lay claim to her title. Hickenstock killed 10 before police arrested her and brought her in for questioning.

Hickenstock immediately confessed to the crime.

“I knew my mother was a crazy bitch, but, wow… just wow,” said Cletus Hickenstock.
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By Mike Lewis, Staff Writer

DALLAS—Last week Guinness World Record representatives verified that John “Skanky-Shanks” Riddle broke the record for number of times masturbated in a 3 day period while in Solitary Confinement.

Riddle masturbated over 57 times in 72 hours, breaking the previous record of 49 by 13-year-old Tommy Kirk.

“We knew he was up to something,” said C.O. Martins, officer in charge of the solitary unit.”We realized something was going on when we saw that he had etched 36 marks on the wall and he had only been in solitary 22 hours. Wow, putting two and two together it’s… things need to be changed around here.”

“I can honestly say I had nothing better to do,” said Riddle. “I was just trying to spin a negative into a positive, the negative in this case being my brash decision to throw a cup of feces at the warden’s face.”

Even though Riddle is proud of his accomplishment, he refuses to let the record breaking marathon session get to his head.

“I did this for my kids,” Riddle said. “From now on, when my three children from three different women think of their dad, I want them to remember him as the guy who cranked it to the point of extreme dehydration, and not as the guy who sold his body to several different men for crystal meth.”

Riddle will be receiving his plaque during his scheduled meeting time in three months, as long as he refrains from further incidences of throwing feces.

“I’ll do my best,” said Riddle. “But a tiger doesn’t change its stripes.”
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By Jimmy Mayers, Phroth Writer 2007-2010

Many students ask, “what are those clocks at the CATA bus stops measuring,” but few actually know why.

“Aren’t they about regulating schedules and keeping buses running on time,” asked Julia Pasquale.

“I thought they were about letting us know what time the bus would arrive,” suggested Nathan Bohner.

Turns out, both of them were wrong.

This week, Cyndi Lauper, spokesman for CATA, finally told the world the secret they had been dying to know.

“The clocks were implemented last year, and they have been a huge success. Their primary goal is to measure the amount of time allotted to each bus driver to take a dump at the white loop stop downtown.”

Although Pennsylvania state law only requires an eight minute poop-break, CATA bus drivers are free to take as long as they need in the restroom, and also enjoy a constant supply of two-ply Charmin and Sudoku booklets.

John Winters, a seasoned bus driver who now works for CATA, said that the breaks are much better than with his old employer.

“I used to work for the SEPTA down in Philly. We only got five minutes to drop a deuce.”

Lauper also said that the new GPS technology will also be more interactive in the future.

“We’re installing brand new screens to pinpoint exactly where a driver is defecating at any given time, giving students even more information as they ride our buses. It should be especially helpful when Mad Mex has their burrito specials.”

The GPS and screens should be available in late June.
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By Daniello Sepe, Phroth Staff Writer

In its latest inane multi-hour countdown show to act as filler between programming about washed up pseudo celebrities banging attention whores, VH1 named Jennifer Love Hewitt’s singing career the biggest musical tragedy of all time.

Love Hewitt, a dark horse candidate for the honor, beat out more well known tragedies, such as the untimely deaths of Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls and Christopher Cross’ sweep in the 1981 Grammy’s.

“Jennifer Love Hewitt is probably one of the least talented people who ever lived,” said the VH1 executive producer Carl Figgins. “She can’t act and god knows she can’t sing. The only reason she keeps getting acting roles is because she has giant bizzagas and that doesn’t translate to music very well because you can’t hear boobs when you’re listening to an album.”

Respected musicologist Stephen Malking, a professor at the Berklee School Music agrees with the ranking.

“The fact that someone thought it was a good idea to give Jennifer Love Hewitt a music contract is certainly a much bigger tragedy than Marvin Gaye being murdered by his own father,” Malkin said.

Figgins added that at least the countdown didn’t subject its viewers to anymore coverage of Michael’s Jackson’s death.

Coming in at a close second was John Lennon’s great tragedy, “Revolution 9” from The Beatles White Album.

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By Andrew Cass, Secretary

After years of loyalty and heartache, Penn State Student Jeff Nescopeck finally deleted his AIM account last Tuesday.

“I’m really going to miss the service and my account name, ‘PussyMaster.’ I would compare this event to losing a son, only this is probably a lot worse,” said Nescopeck (freshman-accounting).

AIM was a service used by teenagers in the 1990’s to procure sexual intercourse and learn how to type quickly. The service has been losing support recently, because people realized they could communicate face to face.

“What is really came down to is the fact that the only other guy ever using AIM was some dude from summer camp years back, and he always had his away message up that said, ‘I’m out like sauerkraut.’ So I could not even catch up with him, and if my memory serves me right he was very good at capture the flag.”

Recently, AIM’s market share has been taken over by Facebook Chat. Facebook is used by teenagers in the new millennium to stalk women.

“I guess it’s Facebook chat for me from now on, but now that people can see my face I don’t know if they will want to talk with me,” said Nescopeck.

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By Remington Law, Staff Writer

In honor of our 100^th anniversary (technically 101^st, but that’s beside the point), we’ve invited back some of our most successful alums (i.e. the ones who aren’t in prison) to put on a comedy show. The show will be at 8 p.m. April 24^th in the Pasquerilla Spiritual Center with comedians Jeff Rubin, Dan Hopper, Matt Little and Nate Kushner scheduled to perform. In the mean time, we’re anticipating their arrival by posting some of their finest Phroth work. Today’s entry is “Love blossoms on frat dance floor” written by former Phroth Head Writer and Current Executive Editor of Collegehumor.com, Jeff Rubin. This article serves as the first and last time anyone from Phroth has ever made fun of frats, so you better savor it. Without further ado, we now present you “Love blossoms on frat dance floor” in all its original glory:

Love blossoms on frat dance floor

“I knew it was love the second I felt his crotch grinding into my ass,” commented Lauren Keenan (junior – park management), “I didn’t even have to see his face. We just kept dancing to ‘Who Let the Dogs Out’ and barking and I knew this was the one.” Lauren is not alone. At State College, the place to meet dates is the beer stained dance floor.

Robin Mehler (sophomore – fashion design) had a similar experience Friday night. “I met Chet Davis on the dance floor and he was nothing but a perfect gentleman. He even invited me back to his room. It’s probably good too, I would have never remembered his name if he hadn’t mentioned it the next morning.”

But why this springtime romance year round in what seems like an overly crowded room?

“What we do is satisfy a demand,” commented Gamma Hoo Beta brother Jason ‘Keg Dog’ Sanders, “The demand for an atmosphere where you can meet and molest new people while getting smashed and yelling ‘hey must be the money!’”

Sanders had his own story of love to tell. “This one time me and my brother Ryan did a 9 foot beer bong. I don’t remember what happened after that, but I woke up with scratches all over my arms and my friends tell me and Ryan were dancing with this girl from Alpha Sigma Sigma. It was fucking AWESOME.”

Some have been more critical of the fraternity party system.

Unpopular freshman Adam Mendelson commented “I don’t get it. Guys don’t want to dance. They only do it because they are intoxicated and think it’ll give them a better chance at getting into some wrecked chicks $60 pair of Abercrombie ass pants. There has to be a better mating ritual then this. Don’t birds have some dance they do or something?” When asked what he thought about this Keg Dog replied “I AM SOOOOOOO FUCKING GONE RIGHT NOW!” and smashed an empty can of Milwaukee’s Best with his head.

“I wasn’t meeting any cute guys,” remarked Irene Mitchel (freshman – philosophy) while wearing a miniskirt in the snow “I had really low self esteem. Then my friends told me I just wasn’t drinking enough. They were right. Before I knew it I was waking up in more guys rooms then I could believe! And two of them were even frat guys!”

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Jeff Rubin (‘04) is currently the Executive Editor of Collegehumor.com and is one of the people responsible for this.

MILAN—Dahmier Bach, a French male model, was banished from the modeling community after he popped a boner during a show last Friday. He has not been seen since.

The incident occurred halfway through the show, when Bach stormed onto the runway, pursing the shit out of his lips and wearing a brown leather jacket and a blue Speedo. Once he reached the end, he stopped, posed, began to turn away, and then turned back. At which point, the erection emerged.

“It wasn’t his fault!” said Alice Shiver, Bach’s girlfriend of two years. “Rosie O’Donnell was in the front row.”

Shortly thereafter, he was gone.

“We haven’t seen him,” said Joseph Arnold, President of Runway to Nowhere, the modeling agency that represented Bach. “He’s a kid. He could be anywhere. Maybe he’s with Waldo.”

Bach was not the first model to mysteriously disappear after an untimely erection. It is believed Austria consists entirely of such people. And in the aftermath of yet another erection, the sanctions against them are expected to become even harder, including a new policy that requires modeling agencies to force their prospective clients through intense arousal examinations to prove they can walk the runway without incident.

“I just duct tape mine to my body,” said Don Khor, an underwear model for Calvin Klein. “That way if something goes on down there, it won’t stick out.”
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By Ryan Chase, Staff Writer

Starting next week, Comedy Central will bring political satire to prime time as “The Glenn Beck Show” will move from Fox News to fill Comedy Central’s 10 p.m. time slot.

To many, this move is long overdue as “The Glenn Beck Show” will fit in perfectly with Comedy Central’s “Daily Show” and “Colbert Report.” The move has come as a shock to many dimwitted Republicans who actually took “The Glenn Beck Show” seriously, though.

“I can’t believe I just spent the past five months organizing local farmers into a gorilla militia to fight Obama’s volunteers based on a show that turns out to be satire,” said Republican Randy Seers. “At least I know I can still use this group to help perfect Jews by converting them to Christianity. Thanks Ann Coulter!”

Beck admitted that he was shocked to find that so many people have mistaken his show for a serious news program, saying “I can’t believe people really thought that I would say such stupid shit if I were being serious. I mean, really, did they hear me compare Al Gore spreading awareness of global warming and Obama’s health care reform to the Holocaust? Did they hear me ask Muslim Congressman Keith Ellison to prove he’s not working with our enemies? How could anybody have thought I was serious?”

Beck was equally surprised to learn that all of Fox News Channel was supposed to be actual news.

“My agent tried to warn me and all, but after watching Fox News Channel for about five minutes, I didn’t see any way it could be serious,” said Beck. “I watched every show on that network and each show I watched further convinced me that it was satire. I can’t believe how much time I’ve wasted doing this brilliant satire without anyone realizing it was a joke.”

Beck is expected to occupy the ten 10 p.m. time slot for about seven months before taking the 11 p.m. to 12 a.m. slot from the clearly superior “Daily Show” and “Colbert Report” due to its ability to cater to old white Americans, a demographic which identifies with Beck’s biases and racism.

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By Mike Lewis, Staff Writer

VANCOUVER, BC—Against all odds, the unknown Canadian hockey team defeated the historically dominant American team to win gold this Sunday by a score of 3-2 in overtime. The victory is especially shocking considering most of the Canadian players are under 25, none play for a professional team, and several didn’t know what hockey even was until several weeks prior to the start of the Olympic Games.

“Hockey isn’t a big deal in Canada,” said Team Canada left winger and pig farmer Pete Shenck. “It isn’t played in Canadian schools and our climate isn’t really suitable for it, so no one really pays much attention to it.”

The game wasn’t broadcasted in Canada and local television stations were forced to ask NBC for copies of the tape after finding out about the victory eight hours after it happened.

“It was a huge embarrassment,” said Team USA captain and national hero Johnny Jones. “We thought we had already won after beating Finland. I mean Canada? Who are these guys? They didn’t even field a team in 2006 for Christ sake. Americans live and breathe hockey, and I feel like I let them down, especially because the player salaries alone were over fifty million dollars. The nation will be in mourning.”

It is yet to be seen if this upset loss will hurt Jones’ powerful sway over his throngs of fans. Most experts credit him as the reason Obama won North Carolina after doing a photo op at a local ice rink in 2008.

“We lost in hockey,” said Milwaukee resident Adam Jefferson. “What’s the point to living now?”

Across the border, all of Canada is buzzing about their surprise gold medalists.

“Hockey? Never heard of it,” said Victoria native Patricia Planter. “But who cares? We won gold in curling baby! CANADA!”

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By Matt Powers, Head Writer

Ever since the Princeton Review named Penn State 2009’s “number one party school” in the nation, University of Florida students, the 2008 recipients of this distinction, have been up in arms. Many are demanding that a national playoff system be put in place to determine a true winner.

“This system is totally bullshit,” University of Florida student Chris Franklin (junior – drunk) said. “This voting system is totally unfair. First they take a poll among the Princeton Review board of directors, and then the rest of the season, it’s all computer rankings. There’s no way that computers should decide something of such importance like number one party school. It’s disrespectful to all large state universities. Now will you help me hold this kid’s legs so he can keg this shit?”

The party school computer rankings takes into account average blood alcohol content on a Wednesday, number of bars in the downtown area, and the cubic tonnage of puke on the sidewalk on a Sunday morning.

“It’s about time we had a playoff,” Florida student Carly Hosdale (sophomore – completely wasted right now) said. “Ok so take the top eight schools, and then week by week they go head to head in things like beer pong, flip cup and sneaking your totally bombed friend past the cops on the corner. Whoever wins at the end is the champion. I can’t believe Florida got squeezed out this year. We have a really good student body this year that is very committed to partying. We passed around a flask during my Chem midterm last week. Do you know what the average was? A 20. Yeah that’s right, a twenty. Fuck you Penn State.”

“I hear the calls for reform,” Party School Ranking System commissioner Tom Folsom said. “But we have a good system now. Penn State earned their title. You have to look beyond the statistics. Take Penn State’s strength of schedule. They don’t get President’s Day off. That’s a prime drinking day right there. But Penn State has been up to the task to make up for these obstacles, and we rewarded them for that.”

In related news, the University of Florida football team beat Vanderbilt this weekend with a “pretty serious buzz on” according to team officials.

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By Matt Powers, Head Writer