by Matt Powers, Phroth Head Writer

Look get over it. You have swine flu. Time to move on with what’s left of your life. If you lived in Mexico you would have been dead days ago, but because you live in America, you are going have to deal with this. Out of the goodness of my heart and in accordance with my court ordered community service, I have hastily compiled the following list as things you can do to help get through your bout of swine flu:

1. Lick a Mongoose: I did some quick research on how you get swine flu and apparently you get it from licking pigs. So first of all, shame on you. The same website also said that mongooses have chemicals on their skin that can counteract the active agent in swine flu. So get one of those furry bastards, buy it a nice dinner, and go to town.

2. Lick a Wombat: This isn’t to help with swine flu but rather because you are so soul crushingly alone that you probably have to lick animals to find some semblance of companionship.

3. Don’t Eat at Taco Bell: Look, you already have swine flu. You don’t want Ebola, e. coli, SARS, Gonorrhea, congestive heart failure, and scurvy too.

4. Also, Don’t Eat at Long John Silvers: Trust me. Just trust me.

5. Why don’t you trust me anymore? What happened to you? What happened to us?

6. Go to a Swine Flu Support Group: It can be good to tell other people about how the swine flu has affected you and the ones closest to you. In a related note, stop coughing on your family dammit. Just so you don’t get a big shock when you check out the support group, here is a preview of everyone who will be there:

a. The Sniffler: This is the person who woke up with a sore throat, turned on CNN, and immediately called her physician to take every imaginable test known to man. If you want to get rid of this person, just ask her if she has her last will and testament in order.

b. Grizzled Old Sea Captain: This person has had every damn disease under the sun. He
had Malaysian Goat Flu when all of you was nothing. This guy can be seen smoking cigarettes in the corner and occasionally says, “You think you’ve got something bad? I’ll tell about something bad. . .” and then goes into an uncomfortably graphic story of a passionate night with a Eritrea prostitute. 

c. The Alcoholic: This person is in the wrong meeting, but is too gone to notice, and no one really wants to touch him to wake him up. 

d. Your Dad: Remember when you thought he got more iced tea than you at Applebees and you drank from his glass when he went to the bathroom? Bam. Swine flu. Also, if you haven’t figured this one out yet, you should probably car pool.

7. Go to Your Local Playground: The laughter of children just might cure you in a heartwarming tale of the triumph of the human spirit.

8. Get an Attorney: The pedophilia charges are coming fast and heavy for number 7. 

9. Hey I’m sorry about number 5. That just came out. That was raw. This isn’t the time or the place. And I apologize.

10. (If time permits) Go to a Hospital: If you’re not dead after completing this list, check out your closest Emergency Room. You are dying from a scary illness.

Well there it is. Now you have the tools to live with your crippling disease. Now quit your (s)whining.

Why I’m Not Fit for a “Real” Relationship

For the few of us at Phroth with actual relationship experience, *cough cough*, I’d like to voice a small opinion of mine that goes unsaid for most people in a floundering, mmmm… seafood, relationship. 

Some like to exit a relationship in a graceful and friendly manner, but down deep, most want to not only break their partner’s heart, but get a cheap laugh while they’re at it. 

Sometimes it’s not “tasteful” to voice your “true” opinion about someone, but other times a relationship just needs to end on a “high note.”

Now, if you really want to get lodged in someone’s krill (that sounds hot), take them by surprise and “Pearl Harbor” the shit out of them by dumping them with a “loving,” yet edgy dialogue at an unsuspected time (suitable times include Thanksgiving dinner in front of their family, Valentine’s Day or your wedding).

For instance, this dialogue is both wittier and more mentally scarring than the cleverness-lacking “It’s not you it’s me,” line because we all know it’s damn well you and not me causing problems: 

You: Baby, you know I love you with ALL of my heart and ALL of my soul.

Girlfriend/Boyfriend: Aw, I love you too, [insert your name].

You: HA! HA! I have no heart and I have no soul!

Get up and run away.

If all goes well, you have successfully gotten out of another below par/”worthwhile” relationship. Kudos.

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by Brandon Scott Wolf
Phroth Staff Writer

Dear Phroth,

My roommate and I recently got into an argument over what constitutes science fiction and what constitutes fantasy. Neither of us can agree on what the difference is. Could you help us?

Signed, Nerdy In North Halls

Dear Nerdy:

The line between the two is pretty clear. In Superman, a fantasy film, Superman went back in time by flying around the earth really fast. In Star Trek IV, a science-fiction film, the Enterprise went back in time by flying around the sun really fast. That’s a big difference, as only the latter is grounded in scientific fact.

*****

To whom it may concern:

Signed, Broke In Bellefonte

Dear Broke:

One way to make the most of your dollar is to avoid being short-changed. For example, when you want to buy a solid gold horse, request that it be dunked in a vat of water before you purchase it. This way, you can ensure that it is indeed solid gold, and that you’re not wasting your money on something stupid.

*****

Suck on this, buttholes:

Signed, Historical In Hastings Hall

Dear Historical:

Those helmets were called Pickelhaubes. And although the spike’s purpose has been a mystery to scholars for decades, it has recently been determined that it was used to hold donuts during battle for the soldiers to eat later.

Practical *and* delicious!

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Written by Matt Woodward, Phroth Staff Writer and Secretary