Hello again. I’m sorry that I’ve taken this long to write my blog. Over the past two weeks I have been dealing with a sickness that has left me very tired and very confused over how it is possible I could shit so much and eat so little. Also, I was in Ireland for a week, which I’ll be talking about in the next blog. For now though, I would like to share some of the things that I love about this country. I was originally going to do a blog about the bars in Norway, but I felt that this would be a waste of time since all I would be doing was bitching about how expensive they are.

So Now I would like to present 5 things that I love about Norway.

1. The controversial nature of their meats.

I love meat in almost all it’s forms. I love chicken, beef, pork, veal, fish, lamb, deer, all of it. I didn’t think my carnivorous eyes could be opened up to new experiences, but oh, how wrong I was. Some of the meats I have had the pleasure of eating in this country have blown me away. For starters, I can purchase whale meat.

WHALE MEAT!

That shits illegal in most of the U.S., and for good reason, because it’s too delicious. It’s like someone took all the flavor of steak and took away the fat. It’s amazing. Also, I have never seen a bloodier form of raw meat in my life than whale meat. It practically feels like you’re killing it all over again when you open it up and see all the blood on your hands. My cutting board looks like a fucking crime scene when I’m done preparing it! It’s awesome!

Yet, the single best thing about whale meat isn’t the way it tastes, but how Norwegians hunt those swimming bitch mammals. The Norwegian style of hunting and killing whales is the most humane/hilarious way any animal has been killed:

They shoot it in the face with a harpoon grenade… let the awesomeness of that statement sink in. It’s like Duke Nukem impregnated the Die Hard franchise on a bed of “Shark Tale” DVDs; mind blowing. Yet, this begs the question, “How can a European country have devised the most American way of killing an animal for food?” (Side note: you can find videos of whales brains being blown out online, and if you play those videos backwards it looks like the whale is getting really really smart).

But whale meat isn’t the only awesome food I’ve had access to. Here is a transcript of a conversation that occurred while I was passing through a market in Røros, Norway.

Scene.
Walking down the path surrounded by assorted crap-filled booths with crap with my friend Dave.

Jimmy: This stuff is crap
Dave: Well… yeah, it’s pretty terrible
Jimmy: Who the fuck needs a snowcap with those stupid dangling poof balls?
Dave: Tools man, tools
Market Chef: Goat! would anyone like to try goat!
Jimmy: Meh
Market Chef: That’s right! baby goat!
Jimmy: I said, no-a-WWHHHAAATTT?
Market Chef: Would you like to try baby goat?
Jimmy: But it’s just a kid!

Silence.

Jimmy: Seriously, no one gets that? baby goat…kid…eh?
Market Chef: Would you like to try some?
Jimmy: You’re goddamn right i want to try some!

Market Chef hands me a piece of baby goat meat.

Market Chef: How is it?
Jimmy: Holy Hell, this is delicious, lady you’ve made a sale!
Market Chef: Yay!
Jimmy: Wait, this is baby goat right?
Market Chef: Yeah.
Jimmy: Not adult goat?
Market Chef: No.
Jimmy: Okay, good, just making sure.
Market Chef: We slaughter them when they are 5 months old.
Jimmy: Well isn’t that just a morbidly obese, illiterate, physically abused, HIV positive, teenage incest rape victim mother of two that lives off welfare…
Market Chef: Excuse me?
Jimmy: It’s…precious…

Silence

Jimmy: WHAT THE HELL, NORWEGIANS???
Market Chef: But yes, they are slaughtered at 5 months old.
Jimmy: Oh, I can definetly taste that lack of hormone in the meat…
Market Chef: We actually drown the baby goats in the mother’s blood to slaughter them.
Jimmy: Are…are you serious?
Market Chef: No, but wouldn’t that be awesome???
Jimmy: …
Market Chef: Sir?
Jimmy: …Will you marry me?
Market Chef: I beg your pardon?
Jimmy: How much?

This country has meats that even I won’t touch. Do you know what is a traditional Norwegian dish? a boiled fucking sheep’s head! the whole goddamn thing! They say you need to eat the eyes first before they become mushy, but I think they do it so it isn’t staring at you while you rip the flesh off it’s cheeks.

2. I don’t feel pale in this country.

Back in the states I am the whitest colored white person this side of…a really white place. However, in Norway, I am…give me a minute…average. Thanks to my mom’s stupid Irish genes I can’t tan very well (and thanks to my love of Television, Movies and most forms of media, I haven’t helped my case). The people in the country are either one of three things: insanely pale, pale, or orange. It is with great pride that in this country I fall into the category of pale, whereas in the states I’m considered “glow in the dark when put under a blacklight” white.

3. There isn’t a single fucking bug in this country! Not one!

I hate bugs. I’m not afraid of them, although I do freak out when one flies near my face, I hate them. If I see a bug in my house I make it my mission to kill it, and then overkill it until the son of a bitch stops twitching. I have lit more spiders on fire to make sure they are dead than any reasonable person should, which is zero. I’m aware of this ridiculous nature of my anger towards bugs, but fuck them, they’re icky.

While the natural frigid temperatures of this country have shrunk my genitals in unspeakable ways, it has also given me the fringe benefit of my having yet to encounter a single bug. It makes sense…they can’t go above ground, there are no flowers or other vegetation, and they have no means of keeping themselves warm. I know that it’s winter and there are naturally less bugs, but it isn’t like the States either, where you get those freak lady bugs that infest house during winter, or those moths that get all up in your buisness no matter what time of the year it is. This country is bug free, and I can sleep a little easier through the insanely cold nights because of this.

4. Northern Lights, BITCH!

I have seen the northern lights! FUCK YEAH! seriously, it’s in the top 5 coolest fucking things I’ve ever seen. It’s not as cool as the time i stood at the edge of a 150 foot cliff, but a little better than that time I saw a girl doing a walk-of -shame dressed as a milk-carton the day after halloween. It was like I dropped acid with Jesus while getting rimmed from Buddha and being fed grapes by Jackie Chan.

5. The audacity of pornographic magazines at 7-11.

What’s this? Why, hello European FHM. I’ve met your American cousin before. I’m terribly sorry if I’m being forthright, but your left nipple is exposed. Oh, you’re okay with this? Fabulous! What’s that? You want to introduce me to your friends? How lovely!
It’s very nice to meet you…girl on the cover of “Army Hussies.” I’d love to chat longer, but it appears that you are at a doctor’s office, as there seems to be a finger lodged in your ass.

I’m sorry I didn’t catch your name, “Gangbang” is it? I’m sorry dear, it’s very hard to understand you…would you remind removing those two gentelmen’s dicks from your mouth? Ah, but of course, If they aren’t in your mouth, where else would you put them? It seems your other orifices and hands appear to be occupied at the moment. No, you don’t need to stop…as the old saying goes: six-on-one is a gangbang, seven-on-one is…well… just awful really.

Don’t think I forgot you “Sixty going on Sixty Nine.” My oh my, what a delightful little pun. You know, I find it very encouraging to know that a person of your age (if you don’t mind me saying) can find and hold a steady job.

Oh, my…I didn’t know that you were invited to this party, “Horse Cock Swallower.” No, it’s quite alright, please stay, just do me the favor of not drinking anything directly from the container. I don’t want to be rude, but after all, there has been a horse’s cock in your mouth. I’m sure that’s not too sanitary.

I don’t believe we’ve met before, what was you’re name? “Balls” was it? I’ve heard of “Nuts” but that one was full of naked ladie–WHOA those are balls! Well it appears I have stumbled upon the gay-porn, and somehow it is the tamest of them–wait–I stand corrected, its centerfold is just a giant butthole. Gross.

This country has a lot of amazing things, but there are things from home that I miss as well. This includes Buffalo Wings, Billiards, Magic Hat #9, salted sidewalks, pretzels, Chipoltle, TV, buying in bulk, speaking quickly and being understood, normal traffic systems, book stores, sports that arent gay (i’m looking at you soccer!), and BBQ sauce. Until next time, let mirth prevail!

Next Time: Ireland – A land built on the kindness of alcoholics and a hatred of England.

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By Jimmy Mayers, Foreign Correspondent

As a Penn State student, you are clearly one of the most inquisitive, knowledge seeking, and academically driven young people in the country. So to be constantly bombarded by Penn State lore from day one freshman year can be troubling. Because we know you are too busy to open up a wikipedia tab and find these answers, we here at Phroth have answered some of Penn State’s biggest head scratchers.

1. Just how old is Joe Pa?

Tough to say. Modern scholarship says Mr. Paterno is in his “Late Classical” period but this is only a guess at best. What we do know is that a “Joseph Paterno” both signed the Magna Carta and the ledger at Ellis Island (for “country of origin,” he wrote “none of your damn business”). His age is also dependent on whether you accept the “Paterno Triassic Theory” or not. Wikipedia says 83, but we can only guess this a conspiracy by the Catholic Church because Paterno is the missing link in Darwin’s theory.

2. Is Beaver Stadium really the biggest stadium in the world?

Well, yes and no. Technically North Korea’s Rungrado May Day Stadium is the largest and boasts a capacity of 150,000. But it’s never been full because at no point have 150,000 North Koreans not been imprisoned, in slave labor, or horrifically oppressive tenant farming to fill the seats. Also, North Korea has been known to lie about its nuclear program, so maybe its lying about its stadium too. I’ll believe it when those North Korean bastards finally lob a nuke over the Pacific. So yes, Beaver Stadium is the biggest stadium in the world (other than Yuva Bharati Krirangan in India of course).

3. How many students on average get lost in the stacks each year?

If they’re a Penn State student going to the library, nobody worth counting.

4. Who coined “We are Penn State!”?

After much scientific research, it has actually been discovered to be a phenomenon in the State College area. If one consumes at least 3.5 liters of a gin bucket or finishes an entire Four-Oh, the body’s first reaction is to shout this popular call and response chant.

5. Is it worth it to sleep with a sorority girl?

Ah yes, the age old “Pinto Paradox,” you’re guaranteed an in, but what about crabs? Well you can take the Phrothie patented Clitmus Test© (Is there a better word play than Clitmus? I hope so. My mom reads this blog.-Ed.) have her pee on the stick. If it turns beet red, then get ready for trouble. If it’s clear, then you’re in the clear.

6. Who is really Phrothie the Jester?

We aren’t really certain. However, we can provide this list of men who have not been seen in the same room as Phrothie the Jester:
Barack Obama
JoePa
Superman
Jesus Christ
Batman
Dolf Lundgren

7. Could JoePa make an offensive line so strong, he himself could not break it?

Theologians have debated this for years, with little ground gained on either side. We personally like to cite the Willard Preacher on this, “Blah blah, Jesus, blah blah blah, unborn children, blah blah, hell, blah blah, fuck Iowa.”

8. Does Graham Spanier really answer every e-mail sent to him personally?

Yes. His penis is one-hundred-and-thirty-four inches long and he has given his social security number to the presidents of nearly thirty fictional countries.

9. Is it true that every student must participate in THON?

No. Anybody who hates helping kids with cancer is perfectly free not to participate. See Phroth writer Jeremy Popkin for proof.

10. Why is the sky blue and white?

It’s called Rayleigh scattering. Look it up asshole.

————–

By Matt Powers, Desmond Nathanson, Rebecca Eisenberg and Jeremy Popkin

1. Don’t Shit Your Pants

(http://www.kongregate.com/games/Rete/dont-shit-your-pants?sfa=reddit&referrer=baronvonbadguy)

I bet you loved the Sims. Going around, doing the mundane bullshit of our world in the digital world. Well this game has distilled what made the Sims great and given it to you.

2. What Can’t Dolph Lundgren Do?

This performance from the 2010 Melodifestivalen plays like a musical resume for Dolph Lundgren (of Rocky IV fame) as he shows the audience and all potential future employers his vocal talent, his karate skills, his ability to look smashing in a tux, his mid-song drum freakout, and his ability to follow very basic choreography. For someone who once played He-Man, this comes off as a little bit desperate and entirely hilarious.

3. How To Report The News

Well, it’s how to report the news. Maybe not the funniest thing in the world, but I had a good chuckle when I watched this in English.

4. The Crying Wife

You know how at the end of a movie, there are people clapping, and you think, “What a bunch of assholes.” Well guess what? This woman fucking cries.

Phrothie Says: I cried during Click, but not because it was a sad movie, but because it was fucking terrible.

5. Arguably the Craziest Voicemail One Could Ever Receive

Click to listen: http://scottrope.typepad.com/scott_rope/files/voice_mail.mp3

If the person who brought this to our attention is to be believed, then this voicemail actually went to the Jack in the Box head office. Since he’s from the internet, we’re sure it’s legit.

6. Dave Eats a Giant Waterbug for $40

This, children, is why you go to college (satellite campuses don’t count).

7. Little Kid Kind of Sings Jason Mraz

Well, it certainly isn’t any worse than an actual Jason Mraz song.

8. Conan O’Brien is on Twitter!

As a comedy organization we would be remiss to leave Conan O’Brien’s recent foray into the Twitterverse off this list. Sure, the unemployed funnyman has only tweeted 7 times since joining, but we certainly don’t want to miss even one hilarious quip from the unemployed comedian.

9. Axe Cop

(Read it here)

Written by a 5-year-old and illustrated by his 29-year-old brother, we present this as undeniable proof that our creativity peaks in childhood. I mean a cop with an axe? C’mon!

10. The Worst Site on the Internet

WARNING! THE INFORMATION ON THIS PAGE CANNOT BE UNSEEN.

Your clue:

Click here if you dare: http://ijpeffwa.friendsofsmash.co.uk/

I know what you’re thinking, “No way. They cannot have found the worst page on the Internet, the Internet is like a bazillion pages big.” Well guess what, we have a graduate computer engineer who’s got this to say: “Fuck yourself, bazillion isn’t a number. If it were, then that’s how many cocks this page would suck.”

VANCOUVER, BC—Against all odds, the unknown Canadian hockey team defeated the historically dominant American team to win gold this Sunday by a score of 3-2 in overtime. The victory is especially shocking considering most of the Canadian players are under 25, none play for a professional team, and several didn’t know what hockey even was until several weeks prior to the start of the Olympic Games.

“Hockey isn’t a big deal in Canada,” said Team Canada left winger and pig farmer Pete Shenck. “It isn’t played in Canadian schools and our climate isn’t really suitable for it, so no one really pays much attention to it.”

The game wasn’t broadcasted in Canada and local television stations were forced to ask NBC for copies of the tape after finding out about the victory eight hours after it happened.

“It was a huge embarrassment,” said Team USA captain and national hero Johnny Jones. “We thought we had already won after beating Finland. I mean Canada? Who are these guys? They didn’t even field a team in 2006 for Christ sake. Americans live and breathe hockey, and I feel like I let them down, especially because the player salaries alone were over fifty million dollars. The nation will be in mourning.”

It is yet to be seen if this upset loss will hurt Jones’ powerful sway over his throngs of fans. Most experts credit him as the reason Obama won North Carolina after doing a photo op at a local ice rink in 2008.

“We lost in hockey,” said Milwaukee resident Adam Jefferson. “What’s the point to living now?”

Across the border, all of Canada is buzzing about their surprise gold medalists.

“Hockey? Never heard of it,” said Victoria native Patricia Planter. “But who cares? We won gold in curling baby! CANADA!”

————–

By Matt Powers, Head Writer

If there’s one thing the average college kid with disposable income loves, its beer. Shortly after that, it’d probably be drugs. But in a very strong third place is video games, which is why Phroth is taking a look at some of the gaming world’s newest releases!

World of Warcraft: Life Ruiner Edition – Includes the original game, both of its expansions, and a one-year subscription. The game also comes with a girlfriend, a steady job, and an apartment, all of which you can neglect and lose when your life inevitably spirals out of control and you spend the rest of your days in your mom’s basement rep grinding and raiding until four in the morning.

Grand Theft Auto IV: Wanted Convict Edition – This special edition of the hit “average day in North Philly” simulator includes one of three super special murder weapons: a blood-stained baseball bat, a loaded revolver with a single missing bullet, or a recently used rocket-propelled grenade. You will also receive a warrant for your arrest, an automatic five-star rating, and the keys to a Blista Compact, which you can use to be chased and inevitably gunned down in.

The Sims 3: Forealz Edition – This bundle will nab you The Sims 3, forty new expansion packs that amount to nothing more than a new in-game hat and couch, and an actual human being who’s every need must be filled by you and you alone. Dress them for work, tell them when they can use the bathroom, and perform all the menial, meaningless tasks they apparently can’t do for themselves!

Madden NFL 10: Madden Forever Edition – Buys you a new version of the same exact game for the next ten years. Yes, you’ll get Madden 10 through 19 as well as a case of Natty Light, a bag of beer pong balls, and a bro who calls you a fag whenever you get beat online by some middle-schooler with the gamertag DarkDaze666.

————–

By Jeremy Popkin, Staff Writer

1. Paris Hilton would own one (in a miniature form, of course)

2. Jersey Shore would feature one…

They call him Dino-WOWW

3. We would probably elect one…

4. Taylor Swift would be interupted by one…

5. Leo would romance one…

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• If you keep making that face it will get stuck like that.
• Teachers have eyes in the backs of their heads.
• Everyone is special.
• Bullies are mean because they are insecure.

• The divorce wasn’t your fault.
• Bert and Ernie are just friends.

• Video games rot your brain.
• Your cat has gone to a better place (animals don’t have souls, silly!).
• You didn’t have to wear a dress and sit on your uncle Billy’s lap just because he was an adult and you had to do what he said.
• You can be President one day.

————–
By Desmond Nathanson, Matt Woodward, Andrew Cass and Rebecca Eisenberg

Hello everybody, Phrothie the Jester here to bring you all a glorious Phro(THON) update.

Over the course of the weekend, I have learned a few useful insights the I would now like to share with you all. The body of Hal Dworkin was merely a vessel of flesh so that mirth and humor could prevail at THON. Hal, for all extensive purposes, does not exist.

Night and day are the same inseparable entity, equally indistinguishable and corrupted, we would all be better off without them.

My hearing has transformed into a supersonic sense where I pick up every last detail of conversation occurring around me. The voices swirl around me as if I were looking at a mosaic too closely and need to step back to get the true sense of the thing, but I can’t.

Clarence told me he found a way for dancers to sneak in and out of THON unnoticed. We were planning on sneaking away during my moraler’s off shift to run to Dunkin Doughnuts to fuel up on some coffee. Annette found out and told me that this was the worst single thing I could possible do. I called her a bitch that should stop meddling in my affairs. She hates me now and I am not quite sure why.

Clarence ended up going without me and never came back. No one seems to remember dear old Clarence.

For the first time, I am filled with self doubt. I am not sure if I was built to make it through THON. I’m really not sure if I can make it thr 7sbre yiguvedgiduy guys fgsuyv gdyg dsfu yg vydgiudgsiusyv yysygi

————–
By Hal Dworkin, Assistant Phroth Phest Chair/Person Standing Up for 46 Straight Hours

So it turns out that the Jester costume I have been wear for the past god knows how many hours was on backwards the entire time, a fellow Phrothie pointed out to me on a visit. My fellow Phrothies also gave Annette and I two bottle a chocolate milk, a box of girl scout cookies, and an industrial sized container of bubbles.

Thon keeps chugging along and I keep, well, I keep doing what I’m doing, whatever the hell that is. Clarence tells me not to trust Annette, and even though it does not make much sense, I believe him. If there are two things I know about Clarence, it’s that he is a real person and a great judge of character.

The entire time I’ve been here I’ve taken to introducing myself of Phrothie the Jester, I think it just makes me sound cooler and more official. The thing is, the more I say it, the more I wish it were true, believe it is true. Whatever though, those are just crazy thoughts, and I’m not crazy. I am not crazy. I am most definitely not crazy. Phrothie is just awesome and I want to be awesome like him.

I can’t even feel my legs anymore, and don’t even get me started on my fingers.

I’m starting to black out. I’m missing whole chunks of time as recent as half an hour ago. One time I came to and was in the middle of the line dance, mid dance move.

I’m beginning to believe that THON is quite literally my entire life. I cannot remember anything that came before hand and cannot imagine doing anything ever afterward. Sleep? Don’t talk you mombojumbo nonsense to me Annette, “sleep” is not a word.

As always: Go Mirth, Beat Cancer, or something to that extent.

————–
By Hal Dworkin, Assistant Phroth Phest Chair/Person Standing Up for 46 Straight Hours

Hal and Annette dance FTK!

More pictures after the jump…

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