School is back in session and we’re all starting to get a feel for our new classes. And by “get a feel,” I mean see which classes don’t take attendance. Unfortunately, not every professor has a liberal attendance policy, and you’re bound to have at least one that thinks the purpose of college is to learn, meaning attendance is probably part of your grade. Fortunately, that still doesn’t mean you have to show up for class. Just use one of the excuses below and you’ll never have to go to that 8 a.m.
-One of your grandparents died—Old people are good for two things: giving you money and dying. Fortunately, the latter is a touchy subject and your professor can’t not let you attend the funeral without seeming like an asshole. Of course, your grandparents don’t actually have to die. Who’s going to question you? If it seems like they don’t believe you, just start crying. The best part about this excuse is that it can be used multiple times over the semester, provided you don’t use it in the same class twice. My grandpa “died” three times last semester.
-You have a contagious illness/disease—Wasn’t the swine flu pandemic great? Everyone freaked the fuck out and you got a free week off of school if you had it. The best part is that you didn’t even need a doctor to diagnose the disease, you so could “catch it” whenever it was convenient for you. As is obvious by your ability to read these words that are being written here, the swine flu didn’t trigger the rapture as everyone thought it would, and people don’t really care about it anymore. But don’t worry, there are plenty of other illnesses and diseases out there for you to lie about having. Look for leprosy to be very big this year.
-You have a job interview to go to—The stated purpose of college, as bullshit as it as it may be, is to help you land a job. Your professors certainly aren’t going to make you attend their terrible course if you have one of these to go to. This excuse does have one inherent flaw: nobody gets jobs anymore, so use it wisely.
-You have a scholarship banquet to attend—The classes that you are skipping are really expensive. Rich people who have a lot of money sometimes decide to give it to college students instead of giving it to someone who really needs it, like starving children in Africa. Penn State has thousands of scholarships available, so take advantage of the opportunity and skip class to not attend one of the ceremonies.
-Tell your professor you don’t feel like going—Professors love honesty. Just tell them you have better shit to do with your time and they’ll mark you present for every class.
By Andrew Cass, Phollegian Editor