DALLAS—Last week Guinness World Record representatives verified that John “Skanky-Shanks” Riddle broke the record for number of times masturbated in a 3 day period while in Solitary Confinement.
Riddle masturbated over 57 times in 72 hours, breaking the previous record of 49 by 13-year-old Tommy Kirk.
“We knew he was up to something,” said C.O. Martins, officer in charge of the solitary unit.”We realized something was going on when we saw that he had etched 36 marks on the wall and he had only been in solitary 22 hours. Wow, putting two and two together it’s… things need to be changed around here.”
“I can honestly say I had nothing better to do,” said Riddle. “I was just trying to spin a negative into a positive, the negative in this case being my brash decision to throw a cup of feces at the warden’s face.”
Even though Riddle is proud of his accomplishment, he refuses to let the record breaking marathon session get to his head.
“I did this for my kids,” Riddle said. “From now on, when my three children from three different women think of their dad, I want them to remember him as the guy who cranked it to the point of extreme dehydration, and not as the guy who sold his body to several different men for crystal meth.”
Riddle will be receiving his plaque during his scheduled meeting time in three months, as long as he refrains from further incidences of throwing feces.
“I’ll do my best,” said Riddle. “But a tiger doesn’t change its stripes.”
By Jimmy Mayers, Phroth Writer 2007-2010