VANCOUVER, BC—Against all odds, the unknown Canadian hockey team defeated the historically dominant American team to win gold this Sunday by a score of 3-2 in overtime. The victory is especially shocking considering most of the Canadian players are under 25, none play for a professional team, and several didn’t know what hockey even was until several weeks prior to the start of the Olympic Games.

“Hockey isn’t a big deal in Canada,” said Team Canada left winger and pig farmer Pete Shenck. “It isn’t played in Canadian schools and our climate isn’t really suitable for it, so no one really pays much attention to it.”

The game wasn’t broadcasted in Canada and local television stations were forced to ask NBC for copies of the tape after finding out about the victory eight hours after it happened.

“It was a huge embarrassment,” said Team USA captain and national hero Johnny Jones. “We thought we had already won after beating Finland. I mean Canada? Who are these guys? They didn’t even field a team in 2006 for Christ sake. Americans live and breathe hockey, and I feel like I let them down, especially because the player salaries alone were over fifty million dollars. The nation will be in mourning.”

It is yet to be seen if this upset loss will hurt Jones’ powerful sway over his throngs of fans. Most experts credit him as the reason Obama won North Carolina after doing a photo op at a local ice rink in 2008.

“We lost in hockey,” said Milwaukee resident Adam Jefferson. “What’s the point to living now?”

Across the border, all of Canada is buzzing about their surprise gold medalists.

“Hockey? Never heard of it,” said Victoria native Patricia Planter. “But who cares? We won gold in curling baby! CANADA!”

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By Matt Powers, Head Writer

· Tags: America, article, Canada, Hockey, Olympics

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