Phroth Answers Penn State’s Burning Questions

As a Penn State student, you are clearly one of the most inquisitive, knowledge seeking, and academically driven young people in the country. So to be constantly bombarded by Penn State lore from day one freshman year can be troubling. Because we know you are too busy to open up a wikipedia tab and find these answers, we here at Phroth have answered some of Penn State’s biggest head scratchers.

1. Just how old is Joe Pa?

Tough to say. Modern scholarship says Mr. Paterno is in his “Late Classical” period but this is only a guess at best. What we do know is that a “Joseph Paterno” both signed the Magna Carta and the ledger at Ellis Island (for “country of origin,” he wrote “none of your damn business”). His age is also dependent on whether you accept the “Paterno Triassic Theory” or not. Wikipedia says 83, but we can only guess this a conspiracy by the Catholic Church because Paterno is the missing link in Darwin’s theory.

2. Is Beaver Stadium really the biggest stadium in the world?

Well, yes and no. Technically North Korea’s Rungrado May Day Stadium is the largest and boasts a capacity of 150,000. But it’s never been full because at no point have 150,000 North Koreans not been imprisoned, in slave labor, or horrifically oppressive tenant farming to fill the seats. Also, North Korea has been known to lie about its nuclear program, so maybe its lying about its stadium too. I’ll believe it when those North Korean bastards finally lob a nuke over the Pacific. So yes, Beaver Stadium is the biggest stadium in the world (other than Yuva Bharati Krirangan in India of course).

3. How many students on average get lost in the stacks each year?

If they’re a Penn State student going to the library, nobody worth counting.

4. Who coined “We are Penn State!”?

After much scientific research, it has actually been discovered to be a phenomenon in the State College area. If one consumes at least 3.5 liters of a gin bucket or finishes an entire Four-Oh, the body’s first reaction is to shout this popular call and response chant.

5. Is it worth it to sleep with a sorority girl?

Ah yes, the age old “Pinto Paradox,” you’re guaranteed an in, but what about crabs? Well you can take the Phrothie patented Clitmus Test© (Is there a better word play than Clitmus? I hope so. My mom reads this blog.-Ed.) have her pee on the stick. If it turns beet red, then get ready for trouble. If it’s clear, then you’re in the clear.

6. Who is really Phrothie the Jester?

We aren’t really certain. However, we can provide this list of men who have not been seen in the same room as Phrothie the Jester:
Barack Obama
JoePa
Superman
Jesus Christ
Batman
Dolf Lundgren

7. Could JoePa make an offensive line so strong, he himself could not break it?

Theologians have debated this for years, with little ground gained on either side. We personally like to cite the Willard Preacher on this, “Blah blah, Jesus, blah blah blah, unborn children, blah blah, hell, blah blah, fuck Iowa.”

8. Does Graham Spanier really answer every e-mail sent to him personally?

Yes. His penis is one-hundred-and-thirty-four inches long and he has given his social security number to the presidents of nearly thirty fictional countries.

9. Is it true that every student must participate in THON?

No. Anybody who hates helping kids with cancer is perfectly free not to participate. See Phroth writer Jeremy Popkin for proof.

10. Why is the sky blue and white?

It’s called Rayleigh scattering. Look it up asshole.

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By Matt Powers, Desmond Nathanson, Rebecca Eisenberg and Jeremy Popkin

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Comments

  1. Jeremy Popkin says:

    I forgot Andrew Cass edited these.

    CAAAAAAAAAAAAAASS

  2. fernando says:

    hahaha, jeremy popkin you insensitive bastard. we have a lot in common

  3. Chris Coleman says:

    Joe Paterno is exactly 1,000,013 years old. I know this because he was exactly a million years old when I was a freshman. Look it up. It’ll be on Wikipedia for the next three minutes.