Hello again. I’m sorry that I’ve taken this long to write my blog. Over the past two weeks I have been dealing with a sickness that has left me very tired and very confused over how it is possible I could shit so much and eat so little. Also, I was in Ireland for a week, which I’ll be talking about in the next blog. For now though, I would like to share some of the things that I love about this country. I was originally going to do a blog about the bars in Norway, but I felt that this would be a waste of time since all I would be doing was bitching about how expensive they are.

So Now I would like to present 5 things that I love about Norway.

1. The controversial nature of their meats.

I love meat in almost all it’s forms. I love chicken, beef, pork, veal, fish, lamb, deer, all of it. I didn’t think my carnivorous eyes could be opened up to new experiences, but oh, how wrong I was. Some of the meats I have had the pleasure of eating in this country have blown me away. For starters, I can purchase whale meat.

WHALE MEAT!

That shits illegal in most of the U.S., and for good reason, because it’s too delicious. It’s like someone took all the flavor of steak and took away the fat. It’s amazing. Also, I have never seen a bloodier form of raw meat in my life than whale meat. It practically feels like you’re killing it all over again when you open it up and see all the blood on your hands. My cutting board looks like a fucking crime scene when I’m done preparing it! It’s awesome!

Yet, the single best thing about whale meat isn’t the way it tastes, but how Norwegians hunt those swimming bitch mammals. The Norwegian style of hunting and killing whales is the most humane/hilarious way any animal has been killed:

They shoot it in the face with a harpoon grenade… let the awesomeness of that statement sink in. It’s like Duke Nukem impregnated the Die Hard franchise on a bed of “Shark Tale” DVDs; mind blowing. Yet, this begs the question, “How can a European country have devised the most American way of killing an animal for food?” (Side note: you can find videos of whales brains being blown out online, and if you play those videos backwards it looks like the whale is getting really really smart).

But whale meat isn’t the only awesome food I’ve had access to. Here is a transcript of a conversation that occurred while I was passing through a market in Røros, Norway.

Scene.
Walking down the path surrounded by assorted crap-filled booths with crap with my friend Dave.

Jimmy: This stuff is crap
Dave: Well… yeah, it’s pretty terrible
Jimmy: Who the fuck needs a snowcap with those stupid dangling poof balls?
Dave: Tools man, tools
Market Chef: Goat! would anyone like to try goat!
Jimmy: Meh
Market Chef: That’s right! baby goat!
Jimmy: I said, no-a-WWHHHAAATTT?
Market Chef: Would you like to try baby goat?
Jimmy: But it’s just a kid!

Silence.

Jimmy: Seriously, no one gets that? baby goat…kid…eh?
Market Chef: Would you like to try some?
Jimmy: You’re goddamn right i want to try some!

Market Chef hands me a piece of baby goat meat.

Market Chef: How is it?
Jimmy: Holy Hell, this is delicious, lady you’ve made a sale!
Market Chef: Yay!
Jimmy: Wait, this is baby goat right?
Market Chef: Yeah.
Jimmy: Not adult goat?
Market Chef: No.
Jimmy: Okay, good, just making sure.
Market Chef: We slaughter them when they are 5 months old.
Jimmy: Well isn’t that just a morbidly obese, illiterate, physically abused, HIV positive, teenage incest rape victim mother of two that lives off welfare…
Market Chef: Excuse me?
Jimmy: It’s…precious…

Silence

Jimmy: WHAT THE HELL, NORWEGIANS???
Market Chef: But yes, they are slaughtered at 5 months old.
Jimmy: Oh, I can definetly taste that lack of hormone in the meat…
Market Chef: We actually drown the baby goats in the mother’s blood to slaughter them.
Jimmy: Are…are you serious?
Market Chef: No, but wouldn’t that be awesome???
Jimmy: …
Market Chef: Sir?
Jimmy: …Will you marry me?
Market Chef: I beg your pardon?
Jimmy: How much?

This country has meats that even I won’t touch. Do you know what is a traditional Norwegian dish? a boiled fucking sheep’s head! the whole goddamn thing! They say you need to eat the eyes first before they become mushy, but I think they do it so it isn’t staring at you while you rip the flesh off it’s cheeks.

2. I don’t feel pale in this country.

Back in the states I am the whitest colored white person this side of…a really white place. However, in Norway, I am…give me a minute…average. Thanks to my mom’s stupid Irish genes I can’t tan very well (and thanks to my love of Television, Movies and most forms of media, I haven’t helped my case). The people in the country are either one of three things: insanely pale, pale, or orange. It is with great pride that in this country I fall into the category of pale, whereas in the states I’m considered “glow in the dark when put under a blacklight” white.

3. There isn’t a single fucking bug in this country! Not one!

I hate bugs. I’m not afraid of them, although I do freak out when one flies near my face, I hate them. If I see a bug in my house I make it my mission to kill it, and then overkill it until the son of a bitch stops twitching. I have lit more spiders on fire to make sure they are dead than any reasonable person should, which is zero. I’m aware of this ridiculous nature of my anger towards bugs, but fuck them, they’re icky.

While the natural frigid temperatures of this country have shrunk my genitals in unspeakable ways, it has also given me the fringe benefit of my having yet to encounter a single bug. It makes sense…they can’t go above ground, there are no flowers or other vegetation, and they have no means of keeping themselves warm. I know that it’s winter and there are naturally less bugs, but it isn’t like the States either, where you get those freak lady bugs that infest house during winter, or those moths that get all up in your buisness no matter what time of the year it is. This country is bug free, and I can sleep a little easier through the insanely cold nights because of this.

4. Northern Lights, BITCH!

I have seen the northern lights! FUCK YEAH! seriously, it’s in the top 5 coolest fucking things I’ve ever seen. It’s not as cool as the time i stood at the edge of a 150 foot cliff, but a little better than that time I saw a girl doing a walk-of -shame dressed as a milk-carton the day after halloween. It was like I dropped acid with Jesus while getting rimmed from Buddha and being fed grapes by Jackie Chan.

5. The audacity of pornographic magazines at 7-11.

What’s this? Why, hello European FHM. I’ve met your American cousin before. I’m terribly sorry if I’m being forthright, but your left nipple is exposed. Oh, you’re okay with this? Fabulous! What’s that? You want to introduce me to your friends? How lovely!
It’s very nice to meet you…girl on the cover of “Army Hussies.” I’d love to chat longer, but it appears that you are at a doctor’s office, as there seems to be a finger lodged in your ass.

I’m sorry I didn’t catch your name, “Gangbang” is it? I’m sorry dear, it’s very hard to understand you…would you remind removing those two gentelmen’s dicks from your mouth? Ah, but of course, If they aren’t in your mouth, where else would you put them? It seems your other orifices and hands appear to be occupied at the moment. No, you don’t need to stop…as the old saying goes: six-on-one is a gangbang, seven-on-one is…well… just awful really.

Don’t think I forgot you “Sixty going on Sixty Nine.” My oh my, what a delightful little pun. You know, I find it very encouraging to know that a person of your age (if you don’t mind me saying) can find and hold a steady job.

Oh, my…I didn’t know that you were invited to this party, “Horse Cock Swallower.” No, it’s quite alright, please stay, just do me the favor of not drinking anything directly from the container. I don’t want to be rude, but after all, there has been a horse’s cock in your mouth. I’m sure that’s not too sanitary.

I don’t believe we’ve met before, what was you’re name? “Balls” was it? I’ve heard of “Nuts” but that one was full of naked ladie–WHOA those are balls! Well it appears I have stumbled upon the gay-porn, and somehow it is the tamest of them–wait–I stand corrected, its centerfold is just a giant butthole. Gross.

This country has a lot of amazing things, but there are things from home that I miss as well. This includes Buffalo Wings, Billiards, Magic Hat #9, salted sidewalks, pretzels, Chipoltle, TV, buying in bulk, speaking quickly and being understood, normal traffic systems, book stores, sports that arent gay (i’m looking at you soccer!), and BBQ sauce. Until next time, let mirth prevail!

Next Time: Ireland – A land built on the kindness of alcoholics and a hatred of England.

————–

By Jimmy Mayers, Foreign Correspondent

· Tags: Die Hard, Duke Nukem, Ireland, Norway, Phlogging Abroad, pornography, Whale Meat

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