Phroth Predicts the Lost Finale

The final season of Lost has started and we’re all incredibly excited. Not so much because we want to figure what the hell has been going on for the past six years, but because we never want to hear our obnoxious fanboy friends talk about the show ever again. That being said, we’ve made predictions for how the show is going to end anyway:

-It is revealed that the series was originally intended to be a season of Survivor, but went horribly wrong.

-The writers admit that they stopped trying midway through season 2 and apologize for wasting everyone’s time.

-Even more characters will appear out of nowhere and even more plot points will be left unanswered.

-None of the secrets actually mean anything, they were just fucking with you this whole time.

-In a final twist, the entire series is revealed to have been directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

-By the time the last episode arrives, they will have answered all of the questions we could possibly want to know through use of heavy flash-forwards and flashbacks which means that all they will have left to show us are the characters taking a simple trip to the grocery store or some other such mundane activity.

– The series finale will suddenly cut to black before a big revelation that would offer some sort of narrative closure. After five minutes of complete darkness, the show will cut to David Chase peeing on your mother’s face, accompanied by circus music.

– J.J. Abrams comes back to direct the final episode, an opportunity that he will use to offer a more satisfying conclusion to Alias.

– The island was inside all of us the entire time.

– Kate dies in the first five minutes of the series finale. The rest of the time will be spent with the other characters celebrating.

– The series ends with an opening for a spinoff in which Locke and Ben join forces to fight the American drug trade, titled “Locke and Load”.

-It was all in the mind of an autistic boy named Tommy.

-It was his sled, the symbol of his lost youth.

– Disappointment. Terrible, inevitable disappointment.

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By Andrew Cass, Rebecca Eisenberg and Jeremy Popkin

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