Charlie Sheen
1a. Charlie Sheen plays a character named Charlie who is based loosely on an actor named Charlie Sheen
The kid isn’t cute anymore was never cute.
It has a laugh track.
Megan Fox was a guest star.
It features hilarious, creative jokes like this Berta: (reading title of book) Cooking for Dummies. Charlie: No offense, Jake, I’m actually cooking for everybody.
Your dad undoubtedly likes it, which means he’ll force you to watch it and laugh at the jokes that make you cry on the inside.
The other guy, who isn’t Charlie Sheen.
More people watch it than watch your favorite show.
I’m never going to get those 13 minutes back.
I have to write about “Two and a Half Men,” for a Phroth blog. Why did this happen?
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By Rebecca Eisenberg, Matt Woodward, Brandon Scott Wolf, Matt Powers and Jeremy Popkin
Greetings loyal Phroth fans and the unlucky few that tried to search for fat girls getting raped on Google (look in our archives), and welcome to my first entry of Phlogging Abroad! My name is Jimmy Mayers, and during my final semester at Penn State I will be scribing everything from the important to the superfluous details of my time in Trondheim, Norway. It is nearing the end of my second week in this country and I was planning to write while on the plane, but it turns out that lack of sleep and nicotine turn what can be funny observations into complete malice towards everyone and everything. So let’s start by recapping my time at the airport.
God do I hate airports. I hate everything about them. I hate the fact that I have to take my shoes off, take my computer out of the bag, take everything out of my pockets, take off my coat and hoodie, go through security, and then trying to put everything back together in less than 15 seconds after it goes through the X-ray. I hate the fact that for every employee with a smile there are 15 who are total cocks. Seriously, most staff at airports are on par with the CATA bus drivers (except for the whistling bus driver, shine on you crazy diamond).
Penn State is having a “Name Me” contest (Penn State, always with the clever contest names) for the new Science Student Center. Here are a few of our suggestions:
When MTV’s Jersey Shore first aired, it was being hailed as the final slide in humanity’s descent towards complete moral bankruptcy. The show, which follows eight boozed up, orange tanned, self-proclaimed “guidos” and “guidettes” as they fuck and fist pump their way through a summer at the Jersey Shore, was being considered the final nail in our society’s coffin, as if a combined eight seasons of Flavor of Love, I Love New York, and Rock of Love hadn’t already left America’s cultural landscape a barren, lifeless wasteland. But as our media outlets and middle-aged housewives gnashed their teeth over this virulent excuse of a television show, a much bigger threat in MTV’s programming schedule was able to slip by completely unnoticed. A show that is much worse and much more offensive than any hour spent glorifying slicked hair and twentysomething women getting punched in the face. A show called My Life as Liz.
MTV: Telling you what to like since 1981!
My Life as Liz is a new scripted comedy that follows its titular character through her last year of high school. Liz is your average daydreaming, skinny-jeaned teenage hipster. While once just another giggly, blonde preppie, the series’ first episode finds Liz shortly after her glorious transformation from bland conformist to open-minded thrift store wallflower. While it’s never exactly specified what spurned this metamorphosis, one can easily assume it involved a bag of weed and a My Chemical Romance album. And though Liz is happy with her new identity, her wacky hair dying ways frequently draws the ire of the resident popular girl, because apparently whoever is writing this show still thinks high school is an eighties movie.
In addition to being the creative and independent snowflake she is, Liz is also a hypocritical bitch. She seems dead set on rebelling against the narrow-minded ignorance of her small Texas town by preaching the value of accepting people for who they are, yet she can’t seem to go two minutes without complaining about the fact that all the girls in her school are bleach blonde and fond of the color pink. Apparently wearing ironic t-shirts and shopping for clothes well below your family’s economic means is an appeal to a higher authority.
Left: Wrong. Right: Right!
At its core, My Life as Liz is the most manufactured, corporate piece of garbage since the Black Eyed Peas. An advertisement for the show bills it as one for “the comic book convention goers, the live action roleplayers, [and] the hopeless romantics”. Now, let’s get something straight. MTV wants absolutely nothing to do with live action roleplayers. They wouldn’t go within ten feet of a live action roleplayer. If they were forced to sit next to a live action roleplayer on an airplane, they would alert the nearest stewardess and politely ask to have their seat changed. And you know what? Live action roleplayers want nothing to do with MTV. People who dress up in chainmail armor and go to a public park to beat each other with foam swords would literally not be caught dead watching MTV. So let’s call this show what it really is and that’s MTV trying to cash in on the geek chic craze. They’re a little late to jump on the bandwagon, seeing as how Juno was two years ago, but seeing as how Michael Cera is still a certifiable movie star I guess they figured people still eat up that awkward, nerdy lead character bullshit.
MTV wants nothing to do with this guy.
The transparency of the show’s soulless manipulations is due in part to its failure to succeed at the two things it sets out to do, which is to provide MTV with a unique half hour of comedy and connect to an audience outside the network’s usual mindless teenage girl demographic. The problem is that MTV hasn’t been relevant to anyone other than the sort of people who watch The Hills since the mid-nineties, and the network forewent their ability to produce genuine scripted comedy when they cancelled Clone High. The only thing the show manages to do is supplant one brainless audience for another, the kind who think individuality is achieved through a wardrobe from the Salvation Army and an iPod full of terrible music.
But the show’s biggest crime, and the reason it is so much more of an insult to audience’s intelligence than eight Italian-American stereotypes attempting to bring back hedonism as a legitimate lifestyle, is its desperate attempts to pretend it’s something it’s not. My Life as Liz is just as shallow and trivial as Jersey Shore, yet has the audacity to claim that it’s totally different from the networks usual showcasing of douchebag pseudo-celebrities. The show, despite its protests otherwise, is just another case of MTV trying to sell teenagers an identity, only this time it’s Converse sneakers and Lykke Li instead of UGG boots and Taylor Swift. At least the cast of Jersey Shore are fully aware of the fact that they’re nothing more than shot pounding morons, and don’t make any claims of having a genuine personality or legitimate emotions. There’s something admirable about that level of honesty.
Besides, Jersey Shore actually makes people laugh while it’s tearing apart America’s moral fabric. If MTV is intent on hollowing out America’s youth culture and filling it with vapid materialism, the least they can do is keep us amused while they do it.
Let’s face it, the worst part about college is the Gen-Ed courses, narrowly beating out East Halls’ food. Is it really necessary for an aerospace engineering major to take public speech? By the time you’ve decide to major in aerospace, it’s already been well established that you have no social skills whatsoever. And why should comparative literature majors have to take any classes at all? They’re not getting a job anyway. Here are some suggestions for making Gen-Eds more useful:
Eliminate them entirely.
You pass English 15 if you can speak the language.
If you live off-campus, you automatically get 1.5 Phys Ed credits because of the travel time.
Having a foreign roommate counts for your International Cultures credit.
You can now earn GA credits with doodles you drew in your GQ class.
All TAs are required to have passed the class they are teaching.
Tests are given on a voluntary basis.
Special “Schedule 4 Gen-Eds get one free” promotion.
If you remember the name of your one night stand, you can pick up 0.1 credits of Woman’s Studies.
Only staff the courses with TA’s and professors who’ll exchange sex for grades.
If you write 40+ pages of drunken emails and Facebook wall posts, you get writing credit. If you do “We are…” 40 times at Beaver Canyon, you get public speaking credit.
Play old episodes of Iron Chef as an international option.
Four words: bear on a bicycle.
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By Rebecca Eisenberg, Matt Powers, Desmond Nathanson and Andrew Cass
Recently, many things have been rebranded. Pizza Hut has become “The Hut”, Radio Shack has become “The Shack”, and the History Channel has become “History”. Taking this trend into effect, Phroth has predicted upcoming name changes for other companies.
First meeting: Monday, January 11th in Room 233 HUB @ 6 p.m.
Also, we’ll have a booth at the Involvement Fair on Monday the 11th if you want to stop by and talk to some of Phroth’s finest staff members. We’ll be giving away FREE flyers! FREE!
Whatever skills you have (or don’t) we here at Phroth can find a way to put them to good use.
Don’t be shy! If you’re interested in Phroth, we’re interested in you.
There is nothing about this show that isn’t fantastic. From the overblown personalities and hairstyles to the improper use of the word “classy” (i.e. “at least wear a thong bikini…that’s a little more classy”) and nicknames like “Snookie,” “JWOWW,” and “The Situation,” Jersey Shore has something* for everyone**.
*in this case, “something” refers to: chlamydia, syphilis, herpes, genital warts, and a rollicking good time. **unless you’re the kind of “everyone” who only watches MTV reality shows to watch girls getting socked in the face.
2. What the Hell is Wrong with Nick Arcade?
Did Nickelodeon have some sort of screening process that rooted out the dumb motherfuckers so as to make sure nobody won anything other than all those copies of Encyclopedia Britannica?
Phrothie Says: If there is no scientific research that bad 90’s haircuts (i.e. “The Flattop”) and stupidity are linked, look no further than this video. You’re welcome, science.
3. Let Us Identify the Faggots and Then Inform Them of Their Status
“As to the initial step, it is a relatively straightforward one, as there are a number of telltale signs to distinguish the faggot from the non-faggot, i.e., you, me, your bros, etc. For instance: if he is wearing sports paraphernalia from a team other than the team we favor; if he is wearing clothes that are not sports-related at all; if he is holding a book or, worse yet, reading it. We must be mindful of whether he has faggoty hair or clothes or appears to be in the presence of faggots exhibiting these traits.” - (The Onion)
Just moments after this article was published, the writer was awarded the key to the city of Philadelphia.
4. Unrelated Captions
(http://unrelatedcaptions.com)
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!
5. Keanu Reeves, Reporter
Keanu Reeves: Not acting since at least the mid-80’s.
6. In the Hierarchy of Bloopers, Fishing Bloopers are King
Murphy’s law in action. Right here. How did this guy even get a show? Sure, he knows his stuff…but he’s gonna kill everyone on set in the process!
