Due to an ill-fated resizing of photos in the Fall 09 magazine, three articles (Goverment to boost economy through celebrity assassinations, Local pimp fined for coat not being ‘jazzy’ enough and New video game to revolutionize ‘Space Soldier in Gritty Dystopia’ genre) had their final lines cut off. This wasn’t our fault (it is physically impossible for any member of our staff to make mistakes), but we feel it’s necessary to show the corrected versions of the articles to all three of you who are wondering what became of the jazzy pimp.

Without further ado, here is the Fall 09 magazine with the complete endings of all three articles.

[Fall 09 Magazine]

1. Robbing a 7-11 (my professor just told me the best way to go about doing this)

2. Being force fed food from East Halls.

3. Walking to Innovation Park…barefoot.

4. Doing calculus.

5. Watching “My Antonio” on VH1.

6. Digging my own grave.

7. Listening to Hannah Montana’s latest album on repeat.

8. Reading the Collegian.

9. Actually learning something useful.

10. Sitting in a jail cell waiting for my last meal.

————–

By Rebecca Eisenberg, Editor-in-Chief

In Phroth’s century of existence, Penn State has grown from a cow college in the middle of goddamn nowhere to a world-class university in the middle of goddamn nowhere. But the story of Phroth begins in 3,000 BC in what is now the Middle East. It was there and then that an ancient Babylonian tribesman discovered humor after farting during a religious ceremony. For the next several millennia, wangs and farts would be the bedrock of humor, with comedies by William Shakespeare being more or less five-act boner jokes. The Victorian age and its’ extensive rules of social mores put an end to that, but it was in this environment that a proud tradition of collegiate humor emerged.

In 1905, comedy finally came to Penn State when a group of anonymous seniors published The Lemon. They became known for their biting send-ups of campus life and raucous “Lemon Parties”. It would be published regularly until folding in 1909. Froth moved quickly to fill the void.

(more…)

Last night when the College Humor Live show stopped by Penn State, Phroth past (Jeff Rubin, former Phrothie and current Managing Editor of CollegeHumor.com) met Phroth present (from left) Jen Reinheimer (Phroth Production Editor), Matt Powers (Phroth Head Writer), and Brandon Wolf (Phroth Phollegian Editor).

Hope you enjoyed your several-of-the-same new issue of Phroth, Jeff!

Let mirth prevail!

If you are looking for a nonsensical good time, look no further than M. Night Shyamalan’s break out comedy sensation, “The Happening.” Mark Wahlberg delivers an Oscar-worthy performance, if only there was a category for shitty-shitty horror film/comedy. With gut busting lines and great comedic range, Wahlberg delivers a smart, yet oh-so-dumb performance, slinging comedic gold one liners like “What’s happening?” and “Does anybody know what’s happening?” throughout the course of the 91 minute film.

Can you believe it? This film is only 91 minutes, but it is filled to the brim with John Leguizamo as a Latino stereotype, Zooey Deschanel as someone dead behind the eyes and wheat as deadly wheat. Wowee! I paid $10.50 to see this movie opening day and $1.50 twice to rent it out of a Redbox machine. What a steal huh? Not only have I spent more than a Chinese migrant worker’s lifetime salary on this film, but I would do it again in a heartbeat because I can easily make more money unlike my Asian counterparts.

God I love America and God I love The Happening. Some lessons to be learned:

1. Don’t question Mark Wahlberg’s acting ability.

“Hey wind. What’s up? Why are you always blowing around like that? Look wind I just want to talk. Stop killing people wind. Say hi to your mother for me alright?”

2. Fear pollen, stay indoors and don’t talk to the elderly, especially if you eye their “lemon drink.”

3. The plants did it. They were the murderers.

4. Spencer Breslin is an ugly child and an even uglier teen. I’m glad he was shot to death in the movie.

5. If you saw this film in theaters and rented it out of a Redbox machine twice, you will never get your money back no matter how many times you write Shyamalan, Wahlberg or 20th Century Fox.

This film was not up for Best Picture in 2009, but it’s hard to think that it won’t be nominated for an Oscar come 2010.

————–

By Brandon Scott Wolf, Phollegian Editor

Mark Wahlberg quote by Matt Powers, Head Writer

Wish: To be on the front page of the newspaper
The Catch: It’s reporting on your death by autoerotic asphyxiation in the middle of a crowded place

Wish: To get a 100 on an exam
The Catch: It’s out of 300 points

Wish: For the world to get rid of its nuclear weapon
The Catch: They do so by launching them directly at your house.

Wish: A lifetime supply of donuts
The Catch: You die tomorrow. Not because of irony, because the donuts are high in fat and will give you a heart attack

Wish: To live forever
The Catch: You have just been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s

Wish: To have a servant tasked specifically with hand-feeding you grapes while you recline in the sun
The Catch: She doesn’t shave her pits.

Wish: Unlimited free groceries for the rest of your college career
The Catch: They’re all vegetables

Wish: To be a celebrity
The Catch: It’s because of a sex tape

Wish: Sex with a porn star.
The Catch: Gay porn.

Wish: To never forget anything you learn in class.
The Catch: The professor covers an in-depth photo montage of oozing sores.

Wish: To have a Bluetooth head set.
The Catch: You’re a douchebag. No, you in real life. Wanting a Bluetooth makes you a flaming sack of douche.

Wish: To be the funniest person alive.
The Catch: Researchers discover laughter causes cancer.

Wish: To know everything.
The Catch: Nobody likes a know-it-all, so shut the fuck up.

————–

By Matt Woodward, Rebecca Eisenberg and Desmond Nathanson

1. Article: “New Theories in Boob Murder” [source: wearecentralpa.com]

This is actually just a news story about the murder of some guy named Samuel Boob, but for the five glorious seconds before learning that in this case, “boob” is a dead guy’s last name…your inner twelve-year-old’s imagination can run wild.

2. This picture:

We don’t really have a comment for this one…the image alone is hilarious enough.

3. Article: “NY Family is Pussy Whipped” [source: NYPost.com]

This article about a NY family held captive in their home by their own cat starts with “What a CAT-astrophe!” and ends with “I just don’t want people to think she’s a bad cat.” Everything in between is just pure, pun-filled comedy gold.

4. The Muppets sing Bohemian Rhapsody

The cutest version of this song ever.

If you want proof that Phroth does not always take the cynical, snarky perspective on everything, this would be it.

5. The Bloodninja Archives (NSFW)

Bloodninja is the AIM alias of an internet genius who trolled the web messing with people who were looking for a quick cybersex hookup. The logs themselves are hilarious — most notably, there is a moment in which he tells his partner that he has “just popped like 16 boners” and another in which he accidentally talks to the same person twice — but even more hilarious are the things he gets his victims to do or say in the process. Definitely worth checking out for a good laugh.

click here to read the rest of the Bloodninja archives.

6. The Oatmeal: How Twilight Works

http://theoatmeal.com/story/twilight

This analysis of Twilight is written better than the book itself… not that that’s saying much.

7. Article: “Gay-bashing Woman Humiliated for Wearing Hideous Skirt” [source: thefbomb.org]

Homosexuality is a sin, but we think the real sinner is the woman in the ugly ass skirt. God weeps at those.

8. New Moon (In a Minute)

Comparing making fun of Twilight to shooting fish in a barrel grossly understates the precision and focus required to shoot said fish in said barrel.

9. Elizabeth Lambert vs BYU (Let the Bodies Hit the Floor)

This girl needs to get laiiiiiiiiid.

10. Autocompleteme.com

You know how Google likes to guess what you’re searching for as you type? A lot of times, yes, Google guesses right. But sometimes Google is wrong and the results are hilarious. Autocompleteme.com is a blog featuring some of the best, funniest, and weirdest results people have come across while surfing the web.

Until next time, LET MIRTH PREVAIL!

Get your brand new issue of Phroth Magazine today (and all week long) at the HUB!!!

Let mirth prevail!