How to beat the Swine Flu
by Matt Powers, Phroth Head Writer
Look get over it. You have swine flu. Time to move on with what’s left of your life. If you lived in Mexico you would have been dead days ago, but because you live in America, you are going have to deal with this. Out of the goodness of my heart and in accordance with my court ordered community service, I have hastily compiled the following list as things you can do to help get through your bout of swine flu:
1. Lick a Mongoose: I did some quick research on how you get swine flu and apparently you get it from licking pigs. So first of all, shame on you. The same website also said that mongooses have chemicals on their skin that can counteract the active agent in swine flu. So get one of those furry bastards, buy it a nice dinner, and go to town.
2. Lick a Wombat: This isn’t to help with swine flu but rather because you are so soul crushingly alone that you probably have to lick animals to find some semblance of companionship.
3. Don’t Eat at Taco Bell: Look, you already have swine flu. You don’t want Ebola, e. coli, SARS, Gonorrhea, congestive heart failure, and scurvy too.
4. Also, Don’t Eat at Long John Silvers: Trust me. Just trust me.
5. Why don’t you trust me anymore? What happened to you? What happened to us?
6. Go to a Swine Flu Support Group: It can be good to tell other people about how the swine flu has affected you and the ones closest to you. In a related note, stop coughing on your family dammit. Just so you don’t get a big shock when you check out the support group, here is a preview of everyone who will be there:
a. The Sniffler: This is the person who woke up with a sore throat, turned on CNN, and immediately called her physician to take every imaginable test known to man. If you want to get rid of this person, just ask her if she has her last will and testament in order.
b. Grizzled Old Sea Captain: This person has had every damn disease under the sun. He
had Malaysian Goat Flu when all of you was nothing. This guy can be seen smoking cigarettes in the corner and occasionally says, “You think you’ve got something bad? I’ll tell about something bad. . .” and then goes into an uncomfortably graphic story of a passionate night with a Eritrea prostitute.
c. The Alcoholic: This person is in the wrong meeting, but is too gone to notice, and no one really wants to touch him to wake him up.
d. Your Dad: Remember when you thought he got more iced tea than you at Applebees and you drank from his glass when he went to the bathroom? Bam. Swine flu. Also, if you haven’t figured this one out yet, you should probably car pool.
7. Go to Your Local Playground: The laughter of children just might cure you in a heartwarming tale of the triumph of the human spirit.
8. Get an Attorney: The pedophilia charges are coming fast and heavy for number 7.
9. Hey I’m sorry about number 5. That just came out. That was raw. This isn’t the time or the place. And I apologize.
10. (If time permits) Go to a Hospital: If you’re not dead after completing this list, check out your closest Emergency Room. You are dying from a scary illness.
Well there it is. Now you have the tools to live with your crippling disease. Now quit your (s)whining.
· Tags: advice, do-it-yourself guide, media