ALUMNI SUBMISSION: A Phond Look Back
“A Phond Look Back”
When Phroth alums were contacted to submit an article or story for the special Spring 2009 issue I immediately put pen to paper to bang out my first bits of original material in five years. Then I quickly remembered that I was never a funny writer and, since graduating and becoming a lawyer, have only become more robotic and less funny over time. I wrote down some ideas that I tried to develop like a Point/Counterpoint between an old man and a cat, a rant by a moviegoer still upset with “Last Action Hero” (which would have been semi-autobiographical), and a review of the Rose Bowl with LOADS of Trojan condoms jokes. Ultimately, I copped out and decided it would be much easier to just recount some of the good ol’ days, as all nostalgic alums do, and let all you punk kids know that our fun was ten times more fun than the fun you are having right now. As my grandfather always says, “I wrote the book you are reading.” In this instance, that is 100% true.
Rather than regale you with tales from all four of my years at Penn State and with Phroth, I’ll focus on the 2001-2002 school year, otherwise known as the Greatest Year Ever (in the history of my life).
First of all, our staff that year was amazing. The amount of alcohol and drugs consumed by members of Phroth that year alone is legendary. Our staff meetings, though always filled with big ideas and agendas, deteriorated into dick and fart joke competitions 100% of the time and, naturally, nothing was ever accomplished. We had a sweet office in the HUB that was shared with one of the loser fraternities which we lost the next school year for a series of misunderstood pranks. You haven’t died a slow death until you have to come up with a rational explanation of your misuse of numerous feminine hygiene products to the HUB administrators.
Despite intellectual obstacles and financial limitations, we did manage to rally and bang out two solid issues and, for the first time in our history, we raised money for THON. Myself and former editor-in-chief, Matt Little, were Phroth’s first two dancers, an achievement that is still on my resume.
Second, did I mention how drunk we used to get? Consider this: staff meetings were every Monday and Thursday at 6:30pm. After every staff meeting/dick joke extravaganza we went back to then editor-in-chief Chris Coleman’s apartment for “40 oz. Party Night”. It was routine at that time for Thursday, Friday, Saturday, most Sundays, and Monday nights to be party nights. Did this affect my GPA? Of course. Did it help out the magazine? Not at all. Did it cost me future income because I couldn’t get into a Top 25 law school? Probably. Would I do it all over again exactly the same way if I could? Absolutely. And here’s why – I have a smoking hot wife, a large penis, and my farts smell like butterscotch. Did I have to get permission from my smoking hot wife to write that last line? Yes, but the woman understands, and you should too, that money is everything and I’m still making a lot of it anyway. You should do the same if you want to lead a happy existence.
Finally, Phroth’s first canning trip for THON was probably my favorite weekend in college ever, and it all went down in Scranton, Pa. Besides the drunken orgy and winning the wing-eating contest, I also participated in Phroth’s phirst phist phight, when I unsuccessfully took on our Head Writer, Larry Palazzalo. Larry and I were good friends before, during, and after the phight, and there are no hard feelings to this day even though I frequently get asked, “How’d you get that huge scar on your forehead?” The answer to that question is, Larry picked me up and dropped my head on a rock. You probably guessed that my blood-alcohol content was over the legal limit, and my pants were around my ankles, but I don’t like to make excuses. I was beat fair and square and although Larry has politely declined my request for a rematch the past 7 years, there are no hard feelings.
In a sense, Phroth in 2001 is a lot like you are right now. Immature, directionless, inebriated. Eventually though you’ll grow up, graduate, and become stable with income and family. The Phroth of today has managed to succeed with advertising and donations in contrast with our miserable failures at both and subsequent begging of UPAC to bail us out. But it turned out for the best and so will you. So read Phroth, give them some of your parent’s money from time to time, and, as always, Let Mirth Prevail!
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Wes Bain, Esquire
Writer, Assistant Editor, Class of 2004
Phroth Beer Pong Champion 2002-2003
· Tags: alumni submission