The following is the first part of an eight hundred and fifty six part series of guest bloggers on the Phroth website. The views presented in the following article are not necessarily the views of Phroth, unless you think they are way badass, in which case we take full credit.

A Super Bowl Preview
by Senator John McCain

Hello friends, citizens, countrymen, fellow bloggers, bowling alley-degenerates, dental school students, and sport enthusiasts. Because I have recently discovered/learned how to use/acknowledged this thing called the World Wide Web, I will be telling you all about the upcoming Super Bowl in the same way I conducted my campaign: with honor, dignity, and a fierce smear campaign.

So on Sunday evening, the uninspiring Pittsburgh Steelers will face off against the scrappy Arizona Cardinals in Tampa Bay, Florida. The most intriguing storyline within the game will be erratic Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger against the unflappable Cardinal Kurt Warner. This pits a relatively new, inexperienced quarterback against an old, physically more attractive veteran who has been to the Super Bowl (and didn’t play like hell) and knows how to get things done. While Roethlisberger may be out there being charismatic and fun and youthful and crashing motorcycles into inanimate objects and whatever else it is that young people do these days, Warner is less flashy, does his job with class, and has the experience and leadership. He is ready to lead. He has also played many more years than Roethlisberger has in this league. He’s a field general. He’s a veteran. And really, don’t you want a veteran leading the way? I know I do. 

Ben Roethlisberger is a fuck.

Kurt Warner is an American, through and through. He’s played in St. Louis, one of this nation’s great blue collar towns. And now he has migrated to the great state of Arizona, which I have had the pleasure of representing in Congress literally since its inception into the Union in 1912. While Kurt Warner was working hard in America, Ben Roethlisberger recently took a vacation to Germany. Call me old fashioned, but I think the old “going to Germany” trip should only be done after a Super Bowl victory. I know that, Kurt Warner knows that, and I think you do to.

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by Matt Powers, Phollegian Editor

Why I’m Not Fit for a “Real” Relationship

For the few of us at Phroth with actual relationship experience, *cough cough*, I’d like to voice a small opinion of mine that goes unsaid for most people in a floundering, mmmm… seafood, relationship. 

Some like to exit a relationship in a graceful and friendly manner, but down deep, most want to not only break their partner’s heart, but get a cheap laugh while they’re at it. 

Sometimes it’s not “tasteful” to voice your “true” opinion about someone, but other times a relationship just needs to end on a “high note.”

Now, if you really want to get lodged in someone’s krill (that sounds hot), take them by surprise and “Pearl Harbor” the shit out of them by dumping them with a “loving,” yet edgy dialogue at an unsuspected time (suitable times include Thanksgiving dinner in front of their family, Valentine’s Day or your wedding).

For instance, this dialogue is both wittier and more mentally scarring than the cleverness-lacking “It’s not you it’s me,” line because we all know it’s damn well you and not me causing problems: 

You: Baby, you know I love you with ALL of my heart and ALL of my soul.

Girlfriend/Boyfriend: Aw, I love you too, [insert your name].

You: HA! HA! I have no heart and I have no soul!

Get up and run away.

If all goes well, you have successfully gotten out of another below par/”worthwhile” relationship. Kudos.

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by Brandon Scott Wolf
Phroth Staff Writer