Five New Years Resolutions No One Will Say Out Loud
New Years is less than a month away, so you know what that means – time to start thinking about what your new years resolution will be. If you ask someone what their resolution will be, they will either spit on you or give some bullshit answer like, “I want to eat healthier” or “I want to start paying that child support.” But those are masks, my friend. In fact, most people make secret resolutions that aren’t as commendable. The following five resolutions are some of the most common examples:
1. Sleep around more
Whether you’re fed up with being single or just broke up with someone, many people want to sow their wild oats for the New Year. Without being particularly picky, this resolution has a fairly high success rate for most. All the “what was I thinking” moments that result from this can just be chalked up to a “learning experience.”
2. Stop being such a pussy
The motto for this resolution is usually something like, “Come on, what do I have to lose!?” Typically, this is reserved for those who are seeking more excitement and less anxiety-derived perspiration. So when enough is enough with a humdrum lifestyle, many resort to this goal for change. Just ask out that cute Dunkin’ Donuts cashier already. And tell your odor-producing roommate to go to hell while you’re at it.
3. Tell exes about the Chlamydia
Many people are happy around the holiday season, so news of a possible lingering Chlamydia infection might not bother them as much right now as it may have about 4 months ago when you found out about it.
4. Do ‘shrooms
You’ve heard about your friend’s experience when he thought the thumbtacks in his wall were little creatures crawling around his room. That sounds like a good time. You’re curious and you figure that this is the year you’ll have your very own experience with inanimate object seeming alive. The rationale for this resolution is usually, “Well, at least it’ll be a GREAT story, right!?”
5. Learn all the words to every Celine Dion song
This is perhaps the deepest, darkest secret resolution of them all. More common than one may like to believe, feeling a deeper connection with Canadian legend Celine Dion is a goal many dream of. This new year provides an exhilarating chance to finally figure out all the lyrics to “Power of Love” and hit that high note in “Because You Loved Me.”
—
by Eden Reis
Phroth Phest Chair