Kudos to the Phroth Philms team! Enjoy them, link them, and share them with your friends! Be sure to keep track of our activity on our YouTube channel.

“Justice League” (December 2008)

Director: Evan Littman
Writer: Jimmy Coyne
Starring: Matt Klein, Matt Rainstein, Frank Roti-Roti, Brandon Wolf, Constance Manderino, Jan Herzog, Daniello Sepe

“Chester the Friendly Stalker: Library Study Time” (December 2008)

Director: Evan Littman
Writer: Daniello Sepe
Starring: Jimmy Mayers, Zach Weber

New Years is less than a month away, so you know what that means – time to start thinking about what your new years resolution will be. If you ask someone what their resolution will be, they will either spit on you or give some bullshit answer like, “I want to eat healthier” or “I want to start paying that child support.” But those are masks, my friend. In fact, most people make secret resolutions that aren’t as commendable. The following five resolutions are some of the most common examples:

1. Sleep around more
Whether you’re fed up with being single or just broke up with someone, many people want to sow their wild oats for the New Year. Without being particularly picky, this resolution has a fairly high success rate for most. All the “what was I thinking” moments that result from this can just be chalked up to a “learning experience.”

2. Stop being such a pussy
The motto for this resolution is usually something like, “Come on, what do I have to lose!?” Typically, this is reserved for those who are seeking more excitement and less anxiety-derived perspiration. So when enough is enough with a humdrum lifestyle, many resort to this goal for change. Just ask out that cute Dunkin’ Donuts cashier already. And tell your odor-producing roommate to go to hell while you’re at it.

3. Tell exes about the Chlamydia
Many people are happy around the holiday season, so news of a possible lingering Chlamydia infection might not bother them as much right now as it may have about 4 months ago when you found out about it.

4. Do ‘shrooms
You’ve heard about your friend’s experience when he thought the thumbtacks in his wall were little creatures crawling around his room. That sounds like a good time. You’re curious and you figure that this is the year you’ll have your very own experience with inanimate object seeming alive. The rationale for this resolution is usually, “Well, at least it’ll be a GREAT story, right!?”

5. Learn all the words to every Celine Dion song
This is perhaps the deepest, darkest secret resolution of them all. More common than one may like to believe, feeling a deeper connection with Canadian legend Celine Dion is a goal many dream of. This new year provides an exhilarating chance to finally figure out all the lyrics to “Power of Love” and hit that high note in “Because You Loved Me.”

—
by Eden Reis
Phroth Phest Chair

Rock history, much like real history, has historians. And thanks to the how difficult it is for former radio DJs to finding new work after being indicted in a payola scandal, we here at Phroth have obtained our own expert on all things rockin’, rollin’, and occasionally waltzin’. He has listened to so much music, he can determine the title of a record just by feeling the grooves (by feeling the grooves, he can confirm that he is indeed touching a vinyl record). Recently, he decided to share some of the secrets of the world of music with us.

-Rejected titles for Nirvana’s landmark album Nevermind included “It’s Always Something”, “Cheeseburger Cheeseburger”, and “I’m Chevy Chase And You’re Not”

-Only one of the Jonas Brothers has genitals

-For their recent album Black Ice, AC/DC recorded over sixty songs. Some of the songs cut from the record include “Rock N’ Roll Tsunami”, “Rock N’ Roll McDonald’s”, “Rock N’ Roll Hydrofoil”, “Rock N’ Roll Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty”, and “Rock N’ Roll Ain’t Noise Pollution (It’s More Of A Water Quality Threat)”

-If you play any Judas Priest song backwards, vocalist Rob Halford is obviously speaking in tongues

-Rolling Stone magazine once reviewed an album that was so utterly, irredeemably terrible on every artistic front that they only gave it two and a half stars

-Ringo Starr has repeatedly claimed to be the elusive “Fourth Beatle”

-The first joke making fun of the Rolling Stones’ advanced age was made in 1973, and went “they’re getting so old that instead of singing “hey, you, get off of my cloud!”, they sing “hey, you, get off of my lawn!”” It received moderate chuckles.

-For the radio versions of his early singles, Elvis Presley was only recorded from the waist up

-The Beatles song “She Loves You” was pieced together from several takes. If you listen closely at the 1:34 mark, you can hear when the track switches to a ten-second snippet of “I Want To Hold Your Hand”

-Contrary to popular belief, the lyrics to “Louie Louie” are not obscene. Where many people think they are singing “She ain’t the kind I’d lay at home”, the actual lyrics are “Weg neganegow aye way de dow”

-New evidence has been uncovered to show that Johann Sebastian Bach was shot to death as part of an East Germany-West Germany Baroque war

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By Matt Woodward
Phroth Staff Writer & Secretary

Pick up the latest issue of Phroth Magazine between now and finals week at the HUB tables on the ground floor every weekday from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. It includes features and articles from all your favorite Phroth writers. It’s free, go get it! (A PDF download of the issue will appear later today on the “Issues” page of the Phroth Web site.)