Single Girl blames natural selection
A new study by Sarah Zucherman (sophomore-education) hypothesizes that her singleness is linked to natural selection. The idea came to her after her Intro to Biological Anthropology lecture on Tuesday.
“We learned that animals only mate with partners who have desirable traits, and I was like, holy shit, I must have an abnormality that makes guys not want to date me,” said Sarah.
Sarah, who aims to be an elementary school science teacher, gathered data for her research at a party on Saturday night at Delta Kappa. She measured and recorded the lengths of various women’s pinky finger. She also noted if the women were single or in some form of a relationship.
“Yeah, I was at that party. It totally sucked,” said Mike Quinn (Junior-Finance), “there was this crazy girl who wouldn’t let people dance because she wanted to measure them or some shit.”
After analyzing the data she collected, Sarah determined that there is no link between pinky length and being single.
“I was disappointed with the results, but that just means I have to keep looking,” said Sarah. “I owe it to science and girls like me everywhere.” She will next examine nasal bridge width, then earwax viscosity.
She plans on returning to the frat, with her ruler, until she finds the cause of her singleness.
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by Cathryn Snyder, Phroth Staff Writer