Every Awful Parent’s Dream Come True
Kids are so needy. I mean, once you finally get the little human to walk, then you can never find him or her. And let’s face it, sometimes there are very urgent matters that require a parent’s attention to be diverted from their child for a while, such as a rousing game of internet backgammon or a half-full bottle of gin.
That’s where “The Mommy I’m Here! Child Locator” comes in handy! Simply attach the super duper cool teddy bear tracking device to the child’s shoe and you’ll never have to pay attention to your kid again! You can press a button on your very own transmitter control and the teddy bear “chirps,” allowing you to hear where your hooligan misfit is while simultaneously “drawing attention to the dangerous situation your child may be in,” as the product description boasts. Kidnappers are notoriously frightened by chirping noises and will flee immediately upon hearing such a horrid sound. Not to mention that it probably confuses the hell out of a growing mind when their shoe starts chirping, but hey – it builds character and maybe even an anxiety disorder!
On the company website, one pleased customer (pseudonym: happy mom) gave the product 5 stars and said:
“Used it at the beach.. When my son playing with his little friend got too far away I “located” him, he heard the beeps and came back himself. I was concerned about the homing tag getting wet but I put it through the washer and dryer by accident and it still worked just like new! Won’t do that again but I was very pleased it didn’t break. and I’m very happy with the purchase.”
Phew! Now I know that I don’t have to pay attention to my kid OR washing electrical equipment! I am SO relieved! Thank you, happy mom. And what an impressive dog—I mean, kid – she has, eh? Coming back on his own like that. Fabulous. Just fabulous.
The alternative option of a standard leash will run you about 9 bucks, but for 30 dollars more, you can eliminate the nuisance of having to clench your fist in order to keep track of your kid – because who has that kind of strength? For the truly sophisticated mom and dad, you want to be able to ignore your kid with wireless technology!
—
by Eden Reis, Phroth Phest Chair and Phroth Staff Writer
· Tags: children, dreams, parents, product review