Dear Diary,

Bristol had “morning sickness” today. So I says to her, “Bris, for the hundredth time, that ain’t morning sickness – that’s the hand of God punishing you for being a whore.” I mean, that’s what my mother always said to me. Ooh, that reminds me – I can’t forget to pay Levi tomorrow. Man, that boy drives a tough bargain – 800 bucks AND a yearly supply of chewing tobacco just to stick around. I feel like it’s Bristol’s Spring Fling dance all over again when I had to pay her cousin to be her date. Too bad those two never hit it off.

Anywho, I can’t believe the election is coming up so soon! It seems like just yesterday I was shooting geese in the forest with Todd as a young, folksy girl. But no, that wasn’t yesterday…yesterday we shot deer. On a crummy note, I lost all those flashcards John made for me about foreign policy and nuclear weapons Oh well, I’ve made it this far without knowing that poppycock, so I guess it can’t be that important.

I think I’ll go to WalMart tomorrow to buy some more perfume. I don’t care what anyone else says, the cheaper the price, the better the smell. I like that little headache I get when I wear it…it makes me feel alive. Plus, the more I wear around John, the less I smell the mothballs. So everyone wins! Speaking of winning, I hope we dooooo! WEEE!!!!

Hootin’ and a Hollerin’,
Sarah

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Dear Diary,

I got contacts today! I never knew it was possible to see such details. Why didn’t anyone tell me that my wife looks like a wicked witch? I wish I had known this, but hey…she makes one hell of a Shepherd’s Pie. I’ll just have to start squinting when we make whoopee so she looks the way I used to see her. Speaking of Cindy, she and I were talking about buying another kid today. I told her if we did, I want one that can juggle. I think that’d be cool.

I had some reporter try to ask me about sex education yesterday again. She was a pretty little thing, so I smiled, winked and said, “I love Israel!” I learned that one from Sarah. But you know, I wish I could say what I REALLY feel. I mean, you can’t teach kids everything about sex or they’ll never learn anything! You have to go out there, try some stuff, catch some nasty things and learn from your own life experiences! Who do these kids think they are, wanting all this information about their own health and their bodies? Kids nowadays are zany!

Well, I gotta go walk at an alarmingly fast pace around D.C. and hope that some news station gets it on film. I love pretending I have important things to tend to!!! Little do they know the only thing I have on my agenda today is to get a Snickers bar and a slurpee from 7-11 later around 6:30 pm. I can’t wait!

Elderly yours,

Maverick

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Dear Diary,

Joe and I went to Dr. Tranchlebaum yesterday for our bi-monthly ZOOM!® Teeth whitening treatment. Boy, is that a good time. We get to sit in adjacent dental lounge chairs. He always gives me such a case of the giggles because he tries to talk to me, but his mouth is stuck wide open! It’s such a preposterous notion to conceive he would be able to communicate during such a circumstance! Dr. Tranchlebaum’s hygienist, Patty, calls us her ebony and ivory doodlebugs and you know, I gotta tell you, it makes me feel special.

Ever since that Rite Aid employee presented me with a bottle of men’s hair dye and said something about ‘hope in a bottle,’ I’ve been realizing that my hair is, indeed, getting gray. Michelle says I look becoming and handsome. Tell me something I don’t know. Maybe the grayness will help me relate more to the older voters. Since they can’t get past the fact that I’m liberal or the fact that I’m black or the fact that they still can’t pronounce my name, maybe they’ll see the gray hair and realize that hey, maybe he’s not so different from us after all. I love seeing the glass as half full!

Those wall decals from Pottery Barn finally came yesterday! Suns, moons, smiley faces and rainbows. Little Malia and Sasha were so excited. That is, until I told them they were for Daddy. I can’t wait to put them up in my study – right around the life-sized portrait of my face. Today’s gonna be a good day.

Hugs and Kisses,
Barack

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By Eden Reis, Phroth Phest Chair

· Tags: diary, election 08, politics

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 16, 2008 at 4:55 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.