Helpful Halloween Costume Tips from PHROTH!
Halloween is upon us and who doesn’t love dressing in a lame costume, eating tons of candy and booze, and then passing out on someone’s doorstep? Well now you can do it without being called a mentally unstable alcoholic, all thanks to the wonderful heathens who thought up Halloween.
Halloween began as a mating ritual in which the women in town would dress as concubines
and traverse the town. Originally instead of candy they collected venereal diseases.
So, you need something to wear so that people won’t call you a lame ass for not dressing up…but at the same time you don’t want to spend money or dress in some stupid costume that will result in people calling you a lame ass? Well sorry, pal, that’s the catch-22 of Halloween. But don’t worry, just get some liquor in you and it won’t matter.
Some of my old favorites include Santa Claus, Jesus, and the prophet Muhammad, but for those of you who prefer to get your laughs without inciting a religious brawl, I have some cheaper and safer suggestions.
Indiana Jones – just get a leather jacket, light button short, khaki pants and a whip. Also try to look as if you don’t want to be at the party but you’re two buddies made you think it would be way better than it actually is, and Shia LeBuff is also there.
Heath Ledger – Joker face paint with a cowboy hat and a Mountain Dew bottle filled with tic-tacs and a prescription written on it. Be sure to take big swigs from time to time. Just be prepared for attacks from enraged female fans.
Bruce Banner – it’s like being the Hulk but you don’t have to paint yourself green or show of your horrible man boob. You can wear torn up clothes and say you just changed back from the Hulk, and that everyone just missed it. Way to put forth the effort pal.
McCainiac/ Obamaton – this one can swing both ways (just like your creepy RA). Grab a sticker or t-shirt of your chosen candidate and a clip board. Pick one person and follow them around endlessly asking them if they’ve registered to vote or if they want to know your guy’s tax policy. It’s a great way to get people’s information for later facebook stalking purposes.
And for those of you who are especially cheep and lazy, you can just dress normally and have a smart ass remark prepared. For example:
- the guy who’s doing your mom/sister/girlfriend (have lipstick on your collar)
- Just wear underwear and wrap yourself with whatever non clothing you can find. Act really surprised, saying you forgot you were supposed to dress up for this.
- Find a friend who looks somewhat like you can say you’re them from the future.
- “I’m the dick who didn’t dress up for the Halloween party”
No one wants to end up like this guy.
Written by Jimmy Coyne
Phroth Staff Writer