A Short History of Restaurant Chains’ Attempts at Transportation Subsidiaries
It was a big shock to the economic community when Hooter Restaurant’s airline “Hooter’s Air” failed in late 2006. While there is no direct link, many leading economists believe the collapse of this surefire idea has lead to the global economic depression that we are currently facing. What many do not understand is that Hooters was not the first restaurant to get into the transportation industry. All of the following fledgling businesses collapsed in obscurity before reaching mainstream success, but I have dug through literally four websites and made two phone calls to bring you the following restaurant transportation companies.
Chili’s: Cross Over the Border Van Line
Chili’s, famous for their over the border flavor, tried in early 2007 to actually start helping people over the Mexican-American border. The price to ride was $100 US and an eight year commitment to work in the kitchen of a Chili’s restaurant for little to no pay. The price included storage space, two carry-ons, and an appetizer. The business venture collapsed when illegal immigrants decided to go for it in the desert rather than try and keep down a Chili’s Bean Buster Bonanza.
Olive Garden: A Tour of Italy
In December 2007, The Olive Garden decided to make their restaurant more authentic by offering guided trips to Italy. The venture was short-lived, however, after many customer complaints: “My Olive Garden Tour of Italy was complete bullshit,” Tom Franklin said in early 2008. “My Olive Garden tour guide had no idea of what plane to get on, so I essentially spent three grand to spend four days walking around Minneapolis while my jackass tour guide tried speaking Italian out of his English-Italian phrasebook to locals and pointed out Italian landmarks from his tourist map. He thought the Twin’s baseball field was the Coliseum. We ended up eating at Sbarros and Bennigans the whole trip. I mean for christsake, Bennigans isn’t even an attempt at Italian cuisine, although it’s a lot closer than the shit they serve at the Olive Garden.”
Pizza Hut: Ambulance Rides
In an effort to make the average Pizza Hut patron’s visit more efficient, Pizza Hut offered ambulance rides to a local hospitals in late 2006. The price for the “Pizza Huttspital” was $500, and included a complimentary fountain drink, small order of breadsticks, and an angioplasty. The service was shut amid controversy over the corporation’s offer of one free pizza for every thirty seconds that a Pizza Huttspital customer was legally dead, and then revived.
Applebee’s: Van Rides to T.G.I. Fridays
Applebee’s has always maintained their steadfast commitment to quality food, so that is why in 2005, Applebee’s started a van line to drive their patrons to the closest T.G.I. Fridays. In a press statement released at the time, Applebee’s president Howard Furman said, “We here at Applebee’s will not let one customer have an eating experience that isn’t positive. This means delicious food, friendly service, and a great atmosphere. When we realized we couldn’t offer any of these things, well the Applebee’s-T.G.I. Fridays Express was born.” The van line, though wildly appreciated by Applebee’s patrons who couldn’t take the tacky wall art and burgers charbroiled to hell anymore, faced its demise several months later when patrons realized the service was only one way. “Well, the van line is all over,” A dejected Paula Dern was quoted as saying several days after the express became defunct. “I guess it’s back to eating at Applebee’s.”
Starbucks: Condescending Hybrid Trips
This service was offered for the new Starbucks customer, who had yet to understand how much better he or she was than everyone else. The hybrid showed that the person was conscious of the environment, and thus much better than those driving traditional cars. Scarves and aviator sunglasses were provided at an extra cost. “I was skeptical at first,” Derrick Jones explained at the time. “I didn’t know how being driven around in a hybrid would do anything, but even towards the end even I was partaking in snarky remarks about people walking on the street or in other cars.” The rides typically concluded at a farmers market, modern art exhibit, or a Rufus Wainwright show. At $450 per hour, the price was steep, but still a deal compared to a Starbucks’ mocha latte.
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By Matt Powers,
Phroth Phollegian Editor