by Peter Hohman
Russian president Vladimir Putin announced on Thursday that his invasion of Crimea was motivated by his country’s dominance in the recently-concluded Sochi Olympics.
“What we agreed to was that country with the most medals gets Eastern Ukraine. I thought that was clear from the start,” said Putin. “I talked with Barry [Obama], my main man Steve [Harper, prime minister of Canada] and we set down those stakes. Everybody was cool with it, I do not see why all the outrage is now. I think there was a side-pot, something about Justin Bieber that Barry and Steve worked out, and the media liked that. Why the homosexual-loving West is not on board with the bet over Ukraine, I cannot understand.”
Historically, bets over territories based on the outcomes of Olympic competitions have been commonplace. The final division of Poland between Germany and the USSR in 1939 was largely decided by the two countries’ relative performances in the 1936 summer games while China’s domination over Great Britain in 1996 led to the eventual exchange of Hong Kong’s sovereignty between the two nations. However, many world leaders still condemned Putin’s actions in this case.
“It is true we, ah, had a bet,” said U.S. president Barack Obama. “But [Putin] deliberately built the crappiest snowboarding slopestyle venue in an attempt to make Shaun White scratch. And how was I to know that Shani Davis would choke like Mama Cass on a ham sandwich? I think that extenuating circumstances should invalidate the bet in this case. Myself and Steven Harper both agree that Mr. Putin ought to relinquish his winners’ rights to Ukraine.”
“Hey, why did everyone make this bet and not even talk to me about it?” said Norwegian prime minister Erna Solberg. “We had more medals than Canada, and you didn’t even stop to think if we might want Eastern Ukraine? This is outrageous!”
While Putin ignored Solberg’s comment, he did respond to Obama and Harper’s calls to abandon Ukraine. He stated that Russia will remain in Crimea until the Russian Federation votes on a Crimean Parliament-drafted request to join the Federation, but that Russian troops will not occupy any more area in Ukraine, “if [that] would please the ‘Modern Family’-brainwashed Western media.” He also reportedly made an agreement with President Obama that would see a complete cessation of U.S. intervention in Syria if Russia medals in Ping-Pong in the 2016 Rio games.