23
Apr

English Major Misses Chance to Bring Up “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” in Conversation

by Peter Hohman

English major and current Burger King assistant manager Jessica Chang blew what was possibly her only chance to bring up “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner” in casual conversation on Friday.

Chang, who wrote her thesis on Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s meisterwerk, was distracted for the split-second when a fellow guest at a party mentioned “shooting an albatross” and was unable to steer the conversation back to that line when she realized what had been said.

“I think this guy was talking about golf,” said Chang. “But even so, I had a great line about ‘and you avoided the slimy things with legs? Well done!’ From there, I imagined that we would have debated the meaning of Coleridge’s epic, discussed the influence of opium on his work, and then made passionate, intellectually-fueled love. But by the time I figured out what he said, someone else told that joke about Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson walking into a bar. Curses!”

Although opportunities to discuss Coleridge do sometimes come up in normal conversation, they are exceedingly rare. One controversial study released in 2006 claimed that an English major over 40 is more likely to be killed in a terrorist attack than to ever get the perfect “in” for a Coleridge reference.

“It’s a tough environment, that’s for sure,” said Chang. “When I was at Penn State, I had a friend who lived in Ritner Hall and I would always introduce him as ‘the man from Pollock,’ you know, like ‘the man from Porlock?’ But nobody ever got the joke. This most recent time, I really do blame myself. If only I hadn’t been reading Thoreau that afternoon; I would have been less tired and my reaction would have been quicker.”

In light of the improbability of receiving a second chance at making an “Ancient Mariner” reference, Chang is reportedly now working on the “perfect line” that will allow her to insert a discussion about Italo Svevo’s Confessions of Zeno into any conversation about quitting smoking.

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19
Apr

HUB Lawn Construction Workers Actually Have No Idea What They’re Doing

By Andrew Moore

HUB lawn construction workers came to a startling realization early this afternoon when they discovered they weren’t doing anything constructive whatsoever, both figuratively and literally.

The Biobehavioral Health Building was the original project being worked on but, as of recent, workers spent a considerable amount of time digging up the once grass-filled lawn in front of the HUB for no apparent reason at all.

“Yeah, I don’t know why we’re digging up this lawn,” construction supervisor Jeff Johnson told reporters while he repeatedly struck a piece of plywood with a hammer. “I don’t think anything we’ve been doing here has been helpful to anyone, actually.”

Other workers on site shared a similar sense of confusion about their reason for being there. Worker Robert Martinez explained that he had managed to establish a squirrel caste system among the campus squirrels, while worker Donny Hogan claimed to have dug a mile deep hole.

When asked to comment, OPP officials said they had never even hired anybody to do any construction on the HUB lawn. A representative of the OPP suggested that the Biobehavioral Health Building wasn’t even approved to be built in the first place.

“They just started working on [the Biobehavioral Health Building] all of a sudden, so we kind of just let them go,” the representative said. “But after they finished that, they never really left… I think everybody’s afraid to ask them to leave because they might ask for payment.”

“No no, we don’t need any repayment for our work here,” Johnson replied as he molded a life-size giraffe out of gravel and mortar. “The smiles of all these young, Franklin and Marshall students is good enough for me!”

 

EDIT: The lawn, as of current, is filled with gravel.

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8
Apr

CELEBRITY RADAR: Aging Skeletor Consults Plastic Surgeon

by Andrew Oreskovich

SNAKE MOUNTAIN, Eternia – Reports are surfacing that Skeletor, Lord of the Night, has spoken with a medical professional to reconfigure his facial structure. This move has been anticipated for decades, following Skeletor’s decision to sacrifice his face in an effort to prolong his conquest of Eternia.

“It seemed like a reasonable trade at the time,” the Overlord of Evil told reporters. “I’m not really into the whole ‘conquer Castle Grayskull’ thing anymore though. Having a face again seems much more practical at my age.”

Unfortunately, doctors remain skeptical whether plastic surgery would be viable option for the Lord of Destruction. “His lack of face presents a challenge we’ve never encountered,” admitted Dr. Oz. “Usually we have something to work with, but it’s all bone. Frankly it’s a medical miracle that he’s surviving without any facial tissue. He should be very grateful.”

When pressed for details regarding the strained relationship with his nephew He-Man, Skeletor said they put aside their differences long ago and “like to catch a round of golf or something every few weeks.” Sorceress of the Night Evil-Lyn was not available for comment.

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5
Apr

Man Buys Ski Mask, Immediately Arrested

By Nick Miller

MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. – Police recently arrested a Minnesota man outside of a Wal-Mart after he entered the store to purchase a ski mask.

Carl Martin, 37, of Minneapolis, Minnesota, was walking around downtown when he decided it was “too windy to deal with.” After leaving work that day, Martin decided to go to Wal-Mart to purchase a ski mask for these cold, trying times.

“I said to myself ‘Think of the coverage Carl,’ and I was instantly swayed into buying one.”

Soon after purchasing the ski mask, Martin was stopped outside of the building by two police officers for questioning.

“We got a call from one of the cashiers that somebody had just bought a ski mask, so naturally we had to check out the scene,” said Officer James Malone. “We can never be too careful about these types of situations.”

After determining that Malone had never gone skiing in his life and doesn’t plan on ever doing so, the officers put him in the back of their patrol car to take him downtown.

“This guy was trying to give us the old runaround, saying stuff like ‘My face was too cold,’ and ‘it’s only -15 degrees out once you factor in the wind chill,’” said Officer Frank Phelps. “I’ve been doing this for almost three decades, I think I know when somebody’s telling the truth or not. I know for sure that nobody just buys a ski mask to buy one. I’ve only seen robbers wear them.”

Despite the confidence the officers display in this case, Martin maintains that the ski mask was bought without criminal intent.

“I was just cold, what don’t they get about that? It’s freezing out there! I wasn’t trying to rob any stores or anything, I swear!”

Even after his constant begging and explaining, the officers have decided that the case against Martin should be brought to the court to make sure they didn’t miss any loose ends.

“It’s not that we don’t believe the guy,” said Officer Phelps. “It’s just that we’ve both been doing this for so long that we know we can never be too careful.”

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30
Mar

“Oh God, Stop Interviewing Me and Get Some Help,” Reports Man with Screwdriver in His Thigh

By Jonathan De La Cruz

DETROIT, Mich. – Late last night, 24 year-old Robert Conway was stabbed 37 times in his thigh with a screwdriver in a dark alley. When reporters flooded the scene, Conway stated, “Thank god you’re here. Quick, get me an ambulance and call the cops before he gets away,” in reference to his unknown assailant. The only witness to the crime, Darren Mathers, was standing, rigidly, ten inches away from the victim when the crime had been discovered.

Reporters did not comply with Conway’s wishes, and instead choose to interview him. When asked how it felt to get stabbed in such a gruesome manner, Conway answered, “What? How do you think it feels? It fucking hurts. Please, just get me some help.” The reporters quickly jotted down his response in their notepads and proceeded to ask him more questions.

When asked if he was enjoying his time in the city, Conway responded with, “Oh. Oh god. Why? Fuck. I don’t. Want. To die. I’m begging you. Stop the pain. Please. Fuck. Oh god. I can’t. Feel my legs anymore. Why are. You torturing me?” while proceeding to cough up blood. However, as time went on, Conway stopped answering questions and could only speak in guttural sobs, causing many reporters to lose interest.

The reporters soon focused their attentions on Mathers, who hadn’t moved an inch during the interview. When asked what he was doing in a dark alley during the incident, Mathers replied, “Thirty-seven is my favorite number. Some days, when I’m bored, I walk around town, and then I track down and stab the thirty-seventh person that passes me by.” Mathers also claimed that he stayed behind to watch Conway suffer. Reporters later discovered that Mathers enjoys night walks on the beach, strawberry lemonade, and is a big fan of 90s sitcoms. However, they were not able to discover the identity of the stabber, or even find out what he looked like.

Around 2:35 AM, Conway was confirmed dead after having passed out earlier. Before he fainted, his last words were, “God, what did I ever do to deserve this hell?”

Mathers smiled upon hearing about Conway’s death and stated that, “It was really enjoyable watching him die. I’d give the whole experience a 7.1/10.” Mathers expressed that he enjoyed talking with the reporters, but he desired to return home, as his Blu-Ray copy of the third season of Friends had recently arrived from Amazon.

Authorities were unable to find any leads towards the murderer, and are afraid that without any clues, the criminal may get away with his crime.

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28
Mar

Local Man’s Proudest Moment Still 1991 Little League State Championships

by Peter Hohman

State College resident George Sanchez admitted to his wife and children on Friday that the happiest moment of his life remains the time he played in a Little League state championship game. Sanchez, now 34, was eleven when his All-Star district team advanced to the Pennsylvania championship in 1991.

“If it’s any consolation, our marriage and the birth of the kids are firmly tied for second place,” said Sanchez in a statement to his wife, Patricia. “But that was a magical night…”

Sanchez, who played right field, caught two pop flies for outs in the 1991 game and got on base twice as the result of walks. However, he had no hits and his team lost the state championship in a shut-out.

“We may not have won, but it was still an overwhelming experience. Standing there on that diamond, I felt like I could do anything, like I could be anyone,” said Sanchez. “It was, far and away, the highlight of my life.”

Friends of Mr. Sanchez are mostly unsurprised by his admission.

“Yeah, sometimes when George is on break, he just closes his eyes, sits there, and says ‘I coulda been a contender,’ over and over,” said coworker Jack Ansel. “Which doesn’t make any sense, since I don’t think someone good at baseball is called ‘a contender,’ but the memories that he has of that season seem to be all that he has left to live for. If you had any pride in the life left ahead of you, you wouldn’t be working as a telemarketer selling natural male enhancement.”

Sanchez is reportedly already working on plans for his All-Star team’s 25th anniversary get together in 2016.

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24
Mar

Squirrel Enjoys Discarded Bagel for Breakfast

By Owen Hitchcock

A local gray squirrel reportedly ate half a cinnamon raisin bagel for breakfast today.

“I just woke up this morning, looked out of my little tree hole, and saw some old bagel sitting on the sidewalk,” the squirrel said while gnawing ferociously at the semi-stale Dunkin’ Donuts pastry. “Shit was delicious.”

“I’m glad the little fella was able to find such a great meal,” said Dory Nadir (freshman – animal science and nutrition). “Squirrels don’t always get the nutrition they need, and a bagel like this is a wonderful way for them to get all their daily nutrients.”

For more information on squirrels, such as how to catch them to feed them, contact Dory Nadir for lessons, who is more than happy to demonstrate.

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19
Mar

Magic Johnson “Unimpressed” with Lil Wayne Cheating Death

By Nick Miller

Former basketball star Earvin “Magic” Johnson Jr. came out this weekend as saying that Lil Wayne’s near-death experience was an unimpressive feat, after reports had suffered that the rapper was on his deathbed.

TMZ falsely reported on Friday night that rapper Lil Wayne was given his last rites after suffering a seizure caused by an overdose of “sizzurp” or “purple drank.” “Purple drank,” according to urbandictionary.com, is a concoction comprised of promethazine with codeine syrup, any fruit-flavored soda and a jolly rancher all put in a Styrofoam cup.

Social media fell into bedlam after the report broke, with many Twitter users expressing their concerns over the situation. Users like @Wittle_Mawia29 who stated: “I wish Lil Wayne would of died. Hes ugly a’f and extremely annoying #Lilwayne,” and @JoeeQuinn, a self-proclaimed “mediocre at best” human being, who said: “I wish lil wayne died. He’s a disgrace to humanity and deserves the worst possible death imaginable.”

The biggest detractor of the weekend seemed to be former Los Angeles Lakers point guard Magic Johnson. Johnson, who earned his nickname in the 90’s by overcoming his diagnosis of HIV/AIDS, stated that he didn’t see the big deal with the Lil Wayne story.

“You know I was diagnosed with HIV, right? That’s not something people just come back from no problem. I used to be the prime example of a man cheating death,” said Johnson. “Now I’ve taken the back burner to this guy who survived a seizure. Plenty of people survive seizures! I BEAT AIDS!”

Lil Wayne and his manager were unavailable to comment, but a representative of Universal Records responded to Johnson’s comment, saying that he’s missing the big picture.

“What Mr. Johnson doesn’t understand is that we have our cash cow back. I mean we have plenty of others to pick from, but what’s important is that we didn’t lose the one that’s most popular with black youth,” said the representative, who wished to remain anonymous. “Frankly, this makes Lil Wayne more relatable to the public because we have studies that show that there are more people who have seizures than get diagnosed with AIDS.”

When asked for a copy of the study’s results, the representative declined saying his dog ate them before revealing that he made it up so the company could get more money.

“All I’m saying is I’d like to see him survive AIDS. It’s hard, and I deserve the spotlight,” said Johnson. “Just stop talking about him already, my escape from death was more impressive!”

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18
Mar

North Korea Threatens U.S. with Nuclear Destruction unless New Season of “Bunheads” Airs

by Peter Hohman

At a press conference on Monday, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un explicitly threatened the United States with a nuclear attack if “Bunheads” is canceled.

The ABC Family series, while critically acclaimed, struggled to find an audience and was left in limbo after its first season finale aired last Wednesday. Kim is, however, a huge fan and claims that the cancellation of the show would only cement America as “the head of the evil empire of great, canceled shows.”

“Sutton Foster is a national treasure! Not a treasure of our nation, but of the United States. Yet they do not appreciate her! They will deserve the fiery nuclear armageddon they will be getting if there is no season 2 of her wonderful show. You have one week, America! I need to know what happens with Ginny and that kid she hooked up with,” said Kim. “You better not leave me hanging like ‘Firefly’ did.”

Kim also expressed an interest in meeting with his idol, John Cena, and finally seeing a boxed set of the “Friends” spinoff “Joey.” He was then led offstage by handlers as he shouted “[b]ut I want ice cream NOW!”

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13
Mar

New Pope Immediately Resigns, James Franco Offers to Fill In

By Nick Miller

Just minutes after the official announcement, Pope Francis stepped down from his still-new position of head of the Roman Catholic Church.

Pope Francis, known better as Jorge Mario Bergoglio, was in power for all of ten minutes before he made his controversial decision.  After the news broke, it was discovered that Hollywood Renaissance man James Franco “has some downtime between projects” and “would like to give this pope thing a try.”

“You know what? I think that’d be pretty cool, actually. It would give the kids something to relate to,” said Bergoglio of this offer. “For centuries, the popes have just been old white guys who kind of seem like they don’t have much time left. A little bit of youth would really liven this place up, too.”

While many were initially outraged at the idea of Franco becoming pope, support has grown exponentially in the past half hour.

“Look, he’ll try and do it anyway on his quest to do literally everything in the world once, so why not just let him have it? He seems like a good kid. He wasn’t a good host at the Oscars, but live TV can be pretty intimidating,” said Bishop Desmond Tutu. “Plus, have you seen Pineapple Express? That movie is, without a doubt, one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen.”

Franco was unavailable to comment on the proposal because he was too busy working on a project for one of his college courses during a shoot for one of his ten movies, but his management released this statement: “Mr. Franco is thrilled to start his new project in Rome next week, and is looking forward to an interesting 10 weeks. He hopes that with him in charge, the Cardinals won’t feel too rushed to find a new pope. He once took a class on religious philosophy, so he feels he has a pretty good handle on how it works.”

According to his management, Franco is kicking around the idea of using Oz as his papal name which made it abundantly clear that he is only doing this to advertise a film that needs no help with advertising.

“Actor, director, student, advertising executive and now pope. Jimmy really can do it all,” said a very proud Bergoglio. “I always knew that if I had to pick a successor who was also an actor, it would be him.”

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