Fred Sanders from Altoona, PA won the 538 million dollar power ball last year and has finally found out what he wants to spend his money on, a recreation of the Flintstones house. “When I was a little boy I loved the Flintstones and I always thought the house was just amazing,” said Fred. “I got the basic structure built already, now comes the difficult tasks of getting the animals.”
The house is almost identical to the one from the Flintstones cartoon. Everything was made from rock, there were no windows, only holes, and he even had the car. “Yeah, I didn’t realize that it was actually HARDER to move a stone car with my feet than it was to just walk,” said Fred. “So now its just there for ambience.”
Fred wasn’t kidding about the challenge of finding the animals either. “Do you know how big a pain in the ass it is to train birds to say, “meh, it’s a living.”?” His two daughters are currently waiting for there new shower/elephant to be installed in the bathroom.
All these things aside though, Fred insist that of all the obstacles facing his dream house, the most important, and daunting task was finding the right animal to make his authentic vest. “Do you know how rare it is to find an orange leopard, cheetah, or jaguar? Its damn near impossible! But after weeks of searching in Africa, Argentina, local zoos, everywhere you could think of,” said Fred. “We almost gave up hope until that one fateful night where we found one, and shot the shit out of it.”
Fred Sanders…The American Dream.

–

Written by Jimmy Mayers, Head Writer

Most Phroth issues over the past two years are now available as PDFs to download, read and enjoy. Don’t be a bitch. You know you want to. Just do it already. Now, go get me a sandwich.

Dear Phroth,

My roommate and I recently got into an argument over what constitutes science fiction and what constitutes fantasy. Neither of us can agree on what the difference is. Could you help us?

Signed, Nerdy In North Halls

Dear Nerdy:

The line between the two is pretty clear. In Superman, a fantasy film, Superman went back in time by flying around the earth really fast. In Star Trek IV, a science-fiction film, the Enterprise went back in time by flying around the sun really fast. That’s a big difference, as only the latter is grounded in scientific fact.

*****

To whom it may concern:

Signed, Broke In Bellefonte

Dear Broke:

One way to make the most of your dollar is to avoid being short-changed. For example, when you want to buy a solid gold horse, request that it be dunked in a vat of water before you purchase it. This way, you can ensure that it is indeed solid gold, and that you’re not wasting your money on something stupid.

*****

Suck on this, buttholes:

Signed, Historical In Hastings Hall

Dear Historical:

Those helmets were called Pickelhaubes. And although the spike’s purpose has been a mystery to scholars for decades, it has recently been determined that it was used to hold donuts during battle for the soldiers to eat later.

Practical *and* delicious!

—–
Written by Matt Woodward, Phroth Staff Writer and Secretary

A new study by Sarah Zucherman (sophomore-education) hypothesizes that her singleness is linked to natural selection. The idea came to her after her Intro to Biological Anthropology lecture on Tuesday.

“We learned that animals only mate with partners who have desirable traits, and I was like, holy shit, I must have an abnormality that makes guys not want to date me,” said Sarah.

Sarah, who aims to be an elementary school science teacher, gathered data for her research at a party on Saturday night at Delta Kappa. She measured and recorded the lengths of various women’s pinky finger. She also noted if the women were single or in some form of a relationship.

“Yeah, I was at that party. It totally sucked,” said Mike Quinn (Junior-Finance), “there was this crazy girl who wouldn’t let people dance because she wanted to measure them or some shit.”

After analyzing the data she collected, Sarah determined that there is no link between pinky length and being single.

“I was disappointed with the results, but that just means I have to keep looking,” said Sarah. “I owe it to science and girls like me everywhere.” She will next examine nasal bridge width, then earwax viscosity.

She plans on returning to the frat, with her ruler, until she finds the cause of her singleness.

——
by Cathryn Snyder, Phroth Staff Writer

Move over, UGG boots, a new trend is taking Penn State by storm this year thanks to our planet’s energy crisis! Look around campus and you’ll see more “green” themed T-shirts and handbags clothing your fellow Penn Staters than there are trees left in the rainforest. One of the major reasons that green products are so “in” is the massively high price. In their never-ending battle to own the most expensive items sold on campus, Penn State’s female students have found that green products are perfect for emptying their bank accounts. “If you have a lot of green merchandise, you must be rich,” said Megan Holmes (sophomore – economics), “so it’s definitely a means of displaying your wealth.”

In an effort to stay trendy and gain “eco-cred”, Abercrombie & Fitch recently released yet another branch store called Green Chic. This new “green” boutique sells merchandise that supports stylish environmentalism and recently opened its first store in State College after months of paving and industrializing a once beautifully groomed lawn. Construction was delayed several months due to the large amount of trees that needed uprooted in order to build the shop. Now that business is open, however, Penn State students simply cannot get enough of Green Chic.

If you’re not quite sure what’s going on with our planet, don’t let that discourage you from dropping some dough at Green Chic. Most of the customers there have absolutely no idea what it means to be an environmentalist either! “All I know is that it’s hot to support the earth,” said Brianna Belle (junior – environmental science), “if you look like you’re into the environment, people are going to be more attracted to you. Valley Magazine told me so,” Adam Clark (freshman – undecided) explained, “Ever since I started wearing Green Chic it’s like every girl wants my nuts just because my T-shirt says ‘I <3 Recycling.’ My roommate thinks he’s so awesome ‘cause he wears some plain, organic cotton t-shirt and hemp hat that he bought at the thrift store, as if he deserves a damn medal or something, but I don’t see him getting any action.”

One of the most popular items is an authentic polar bear fur coat covered in trendy quilted patches that read, “Respect Mother Nature!” Every item sold at Green Chic is unique and original, made with new, pure resources—none of that stale second hand crap. With the variety of “green” apparel growing rapidly, one can practically throw away their outfit after one use and buy another unique style!

“Green is the new black,” a monotone employee informed browsing customer Morgan Slughole. “I just love it here,” says Morgan, “ever since the Little Ice Age of the 1600s, our climate has just been getting warmer and warmer, and wearing these clothes makes me feel like I am totally stopping that process.”

As our climate continues to get warmer, we can expect the “green” craze to become even trendier. So head to Green Chic, deck yourself in “green” merch, and enjoy the perks of being trendy. Thanks, global warming!

——–
Constance Manderino, Phroth Staff Writer

Kids are so needy. I mean, once you finally get the little human to walk, then you can never find him or her. And let’s face it, sometimes there are very urgent matters that require a parent’s attention to be diverted from their child for a while, such as a rousing game of internet backgammon or a half-full bottle of gin.

That’s where “The Mommy I’m Here! Child Locator” comes in handy! Simply attach the super duper cool teddy bear tracking device to the child’s shoe and you’ll never have to pay attention to your kid again! You can press a button on your very own transmitter control and the teddy bear “chirps,” allowing you to hear where your hooligan misfit is while simultaneously “drawing attention to the dangerous situation your child may be in,” as the product description boasts. Kidnappers are notoriously frightened by chirping noises and will flee immediately upon hearing such a horrid sound. Not to mention that it probably confuses the hell out of a growing mind when their shoe starts chirping, but hey – it builds character and maybe even an anxiety disorder!

On the company website, one pleased customer (pseudonym: happy mom) gave the product 5 stars and said:

“Used it at the beach.. When my son playing with his little friend got too far away I “located” him, he heard the beeps and came back himself. I was concerned about the homing tag getting wet but I put it through the washer and dryer by accident and it still worked just like new! Won’t do that again but I was very pleased it didn’t break. and I’m very happy with the purchase.”

Phew! Now I know that I don’t have to pay attention to my kid OR washing electrical equipment! I am SO relieved! Thank you, happy mom. And what an impressive dog—I mean, kid – she has, eh? Coming back on his own like that. Fabulous. Just fabulous.

The alternative option of a standard leash will run you about 9 bucks, but for 30 dollars more, you can eliminate the nuisance of having to clench your fist in order to keep track of your kid – because who has that kind of strength? For the truly sophisticated mom and dad, you want to be able to ignore your kid with wireless technology!

—
by Eden Reis, Phroth Phest Chair and Phroth Staff Writer

In honor of it being the day after the election, we here at Phroth have decided to get a head start on the election for 2012. Some people say Sarah Palin will be the new face of the republican party, but we think we have a better idea. So here’s our proposal for why Chewbacca, yes the big hairy guy from the Star Wars franchise, will make an excellent president in 2012.

1. Taxes

• Everybody knows that Chewbacca has a very lenient stance when it comes to taxes. You cannot find a more generous Wookie if you look for one. Everyone knows that during his time in the senate, Chewbacca voted 19 times against raising taxes. He understands the problems of everyday humans, and he wants to make it easier for the middle class to pay their bills. He also voted against tax decreases for Big Oil and The Empire.

• He also wants to create a bacon-tax rebate. Chewbacca wants to make bacon more available to every person in the United States. He cares very deeply about this subject, and has heard nothing from the other candidates about the lack of bacon this country is experiencing.

2. Experience

• Remember when Chewbacca piloted the Millennium Falcon out of harms way while Luke and Han fought off the Ti-fighters? That was sweet. Neither Barack Obama or John McCain have any experience in space, let alone warp speed. Chewbacca has also served as a senator from Ohio for over ten years, frequently reaching across the aisle to get solutions done.

3. The Economy

• No one has made more progress towards an economic plan that works than Chewbacca. During his younger years, Chewbacca attended Oxford where he received an undergraduate degree in Economics. He worked on Wall Street for several years before working as a financial advisor for Jesus, and everyone knows that Jesus doesn’t hire just anybody.

4. Global Warming

• Chewbacca understands the problems of global warming. Being covered with a thick layer of dog-like fur, he is the last person that wants it to be warmer outside. He will work hard to fix this problem.

—————-
Written by Daniello Sepe, Phroth Distribution Chair and Staff Writer

So we all know that horror movies are bad. Really bad. Horrifyingly bad. I mean did you see The Strangers? It was awful, and that one had Liv Tyler in it. Still, people will throw down money to see them, so they continue to be made no matter how bad the premise is or how low grade the actors are. So how bad does a horror movie pitch have to be before movie studios will reject it? In honor of Halloween being tomorrow, we at Phroth have dug up some little known information on some horror movies that for one reason or another just did not make it.

• Dracula XXX: Half gripping terror, half soft-core erotica, the pitch for this movie featured Dracula seducing women, having sex with them, and turning them into vampires. Sounds run of the mill, but what made this incarnation of Dracula different from the rest was the main pitch to the studio by the movie’s creator, Alex Zim. “The women get bitten during the intercourse,” he told the executives at Miramax, “’cuz you see, his fangs are on his wang!” Upon hearing this, one studio executive reportedly promptly pulled out a gun and shot Zim.

• The Sing: “You know the tape that if you watch it you die in seven days? Well now there is a song that if you hear it you will die in seven minutes!” was the tagline for proposed 2006 rip-off the hit horror flick The Ring. The song was supposed to be so supposed to be so awful, so sickening, and so frightening that you would kill yourself within seven minutes of listening to it. The movie got pulled when it was revealed the song they were creating for the movie already existed.

• Heroes: Okay, this is not in the horror genera, nor is it a movie, plus it has actually been made. But this season of Heroes is so bad that it’s frightening.

• Saw IX: Okay, so this movie is pretty far away from not being made, but we looked into our crystal ball (the same one that told us that our Number Scrabble skit would be the most popular video on Youtube) and saw that this franchise is going to continue going strong for another two decades. Then, after Saw XVIII is directed by Wes Craven, SAW IX just could not get the funding after audiences across the country walked out during the movie’s climax where the main character is chased throughout here house by a knife wielding Jigsaw, wearing a mask that looks like what he puts into all of his videos. Then it turns out that Jigsaw is the character’s pissed off husband (dun dun duuun!!).

• Jason Goes to Heaven: Meant to be the follow up Jason Goes to Hell, this god forsaken (well, maybe not) movie pitch featured Jason raising hell in paradise. Starting with an attack on Martin Luther King Jr., Jason would then go on a tour de force that heaven would surly forbid. His victims would include wimps such as Mahatma Gandhi, John Lennon, and Andre the Giant.
This movie was actually almost made until studio execs pulled the plug because they thought the climax, which featured Jason nailing Jesus onto a cross, carving 666 into his forehead, a devil’s star into his chest, and ripping out his intestines might upset some Christian groups. Plus no one believed anyone could possibly be killed in an environment of celibacy and completely devoid of drugs and alcohol.

Written by Hal Dworkin,
Phroth Staff Writer

Halloween is upon us and who doesn’t love dressing in a lame costume, eating tons of candy and booze, and then passing out on someone’s doorstep? Well now you can do it without being called a mentally unstable alcoholic, all thanks to the wonderful heathens who thought up Halloween.

Halloween began as a mating ritual in which the women in town would dress as concubines
and traverse the town. Originally instead of candy they collected venereal diseases.

So, you need something to wear so that people won’t call you a lame ass for not dressing up…but at the same time you don’t want to spend money or dress in some stupid costume that will result in people calling you a lame ass? Well sorry, pal, that’s the catch-22 of Halloween. But don’t worry, just get some liquor in you and it won’t matter.

Some of my old favorites include Santa Claus, Jesus, and the prophet Muhammad, but for those of you who prefer to get your laughs without inciting a religious brawl, I have some cheaper and safer suggestions.

Indiana Jones – just get a leather jacket, light button short, khaki pants and a whip. Also try to look as if you don’t want to be at the party but you’re two buddies made you think it would be way better than it actually is, and Shia LeBuff is also there.

Heath Ledger – Joker face paint with a cowboy hat and a Mountain Dew bottle filled with tic-tacs and a prescription written on it. Be sure to take big swigs from time to time. Just be prepared for attacks from enraged female fans.

Bruce Banner – it’s like being the Hulk but you don’t have to paint yourself green or show of your horrible man boob. You can wear torn up clothes and say you just changed back from the Hulk, and that everyone just missed it. Way to put forth the effort pal.

McCainiac/ Obamaton – this one can swing both ways (just like your creepy RA). Grab a sticker or t-shirt of your chosen candidate and a clip board. Pick one person and follow them around endlessly asking them if they’ve registered to vote or if they want to know your guy’s tax policy. It’s a great way to get people’s information for later facebook stalking purposes.

And for those of you who are especially cheep and lazy, you can just dress normally and have a smart ass remark prepared. For example:
- the guy who’s doing your mom/sister/girlfriend (have lipstick on your collar)
- Just wear underwear and wrap yourself with whatever non clothing you can find. Act really surprised, saying you forgot you were supposed to dress up for this.
- Find a friend who looks somewhat like you can say you’re them from the future.
- “I’m the dick who didn’t dress up for the Halloween party”

No one wants to end up like this guy.

Written by Jimmy Coyne
Phroth Staff Writer

No, your eyes don’t deceive you. In this little blog entry, I’m going to give you a few pointers on how to be one of the coolest kids at dear old State. But before I begin sharing all my secrets and tips with the downtrodden of the internet, I would like to tell you a personal story.

You see, back in 5th grade, I wasn’t exactly the stallion you know and love today. After a particular brutal beating from 2nd grade bully and self-proclaimed playground king Johannes Fitzgerald, I sought my father’s advice. I will never forget the words he spoke.

He told me, “Son, in times like this, the best thing you can do is just be yourself.” It was at that moment when I realized my father was an idiot.

“Hey dad!? I’m 4’ 3”, terrible at sports, and donning Oshkosh overalls. Fuck this!”

And that’s the point in my life when I began my quest to become as cool as a goddamn Popsicle. And because I know how it feels like to be in your scenario, I’m going to give you a few steps to be almost as radical as me.

Step #1 Grow a mustache

What are you, twelve? You’re in college now, grow some facial hair for god sakes. And I’m not talking about some half-assed stubble around your chin and neck. I’m talking about a full grown, awe inspiring, Wilford Brimley mustache. Mustaches are the pinnacle of everything awesome.

I remember a sad moment in my life where I didn’t know the power of the stache. When I was a sophomore in high school, I couldn’t get a chick if my uncool life depended on it. In fact, my older brother was hogging all the glory and banging the cheerleader in my chemistry class.

I remember one night, I solemnly thought, “What does he have that I don’t…” It was then that I decided to stop being such a pussy. I manned up, grew a mustache, and told all the girls in my grade that my brother had Chlamydia. It’s been smooth sailing ever since, although I can’t remember the last time my brother got laid.

Step #2 Buy some sunglasses

Back in the day, all you needed to be cool was a leather jacket and a Fonz-like personality. But a lot has changed since those simple times. To be respected among your peers in the new millennium, you need some killer shades. You see, to be cool, you must hide your eyes from the public. This shady yet promiscuous new look will get everyone wondering, “What does this badass have to hide?”

One time, I accidentally wore my sunglasses to my Cousin Bill’s wedding. Not only did I hook up with every bridesmaid there, but Bill’s wife-to-be ended up leaving him. Turns out she had fallen in love with his sunglasses-wearing cousin. Sorry bill, but your eyes just don’t leave much to the imagination.

Step #3 Get a lot of money

Forget the last steps I just told you. They’re stupid. The simple fact is that it doesn’t matter who you are or what you do with your life. What matters is how much cash you have laying around. Homeless people might tell you that money doesn’t buy you happiness, which is technically true. Money can only buy you so much: friends, awesome gadgets, lap dances, a mustache…the list goes on and on. But most importantly, it makes you cool. And I know right now you’re thinking, “Oh shit! I’m in college and I have no money! I’m ruined!” Snap out of it sissy! If you happen to be down on your luck and broke, here are a few easy ways to get the money to get you back on easy street:

• Find out the life insurance policies of all relatives closest to you. If it sounds like a good offer, I suggest you take matters into your own hands.
• What’s your roommate’s economic situation? Better yet, where does he keep his wallet? Taking a $20 or two never hurt anyone. And most likely his parents pay the bill on his credit card. Why don’t you run down to that sunglasses shop while he’s sleeping?
• There are literally thousands of dollars at your local banks. I’m not telling you what to do, but you should definitely try to rob one.
• If all else fails, get a job. Then, take the money in the register when no one’s looking.

And there you have it folks, three simple ways to be the cool. And just remember, it’s not about what other people say to you, it’s what they say behind your back. And hopefully what they’re saying is, “Damn, I wish I was as cool as that dude. Maybe I should have sex with him.”

Written by Matthew Radlow, Phroth Writing Staff