Putin justifies invasion with Olympic medal count: “I thought we agreed that winner gets Eastern Ukraine”

by Peter Hohman

Russian president Vladimir Putin announced on Thursday that his invasion of Crimea was motivated by his country’s dominance in the recently-concluded Sochi Olympics.

“What we agreed to was that country with the most medals gets Eastern Ukraine. I thought that was clear from the start,” said Putin. “I talked with Barry [Obama], my main man Steve [Harper, prime minister of Canada] and we set down those stakes. Everybody was cool with it, I do not see why all the outrage is now. I think there was a side-pot, something about Justin Bieber that Barry and Steve worked out, and the media liked that. Why the homosexual-loving West is not on board with the bet over Ukraine, I cannot understand.”

Historically, bets over territories based on the outcomes of Olympic competitions have been commonplace. The final division of Poland between Germany and the USSR in 1939 was largely decided by the two countries’ relative performances in the 1936 summer games while China’s domination over Great Britain in 1996 led to the eventual exchange of Hong Kong’s sovereignty between the two nations. However, many world leaders still condemned Putin’s actions in this case.

“It is true we, ah, had a bet,” said U.S. president Barack Obama. “But [Putin] deliberately built the crappiest snowboarding slopestyle venue in an attempt to make Shaun White scratch. And how was I to know that Shani Davis would choke like Mama Cass on a ham sandwich? I think that extenuating circumstances should invalidate the bet in this case. Myself and Steven Harper both agree that Mr. Putin ought to relinquish his winners’ rights to Ukraine.”

“Hey, why did everyone make this bet and not even talk to me about it?” said Norwegian prime minister Erna Solberg. “We had more medals than Canada, and you didn’t even stop to think if we might want Eastern Ukraine? This is outrageous!”

While Putin ignored Solberg’s comment, he did respond to Obama and Harper’s calls to abandon Ukraine. He stated that Russia will remain in Crimea until the Russian Federation votes on a Crimean Parliament-drafted request to join the Federation, but that Russian troops will not occupy any more area in Ukraine, “if [that] would please the ‘Modern Family’-brainwashed Western media.” He also reportedly made an agreement with President Obama that would see a complete cessation of U.S. intervention in Syria if Russia medals in Ping-Pong in the 2016 Rio games.

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Prehistoric Bird May Have Dined on Small Mammals, Taco Bell

By Owen Hitchcock

CHICAGO, IL – Researchers at the University of Chicago have uncovered new information about the diet of Argentavis magnificens, commonly known as the Giant Teratorn.

The study, released in an independent report, discusses evidence that suggests the ancient bird’s diet consisted primarily of rodents, smaller birds, and various Taco Bell entrees.

“During a recent expedition to Argentina, my team and I uncovered numerous well-preserved skeletal fossils of the Giant Teratorn,” said Dr. Leo Riviera, the head researcher and author of the study.

“The most striking feature is the shape of the bird’s beak,” Dr. Riviera explained.  Not only is it sharp enough to tear a seventy-pound beaver cleanly apart, but the bottom beak seems to have perfectly evolved to cradle a Cheesy Potato burrito while the top beak takes a bite. As any experienced burrito-eater knows, this drastically reduces the amount of fillings that fall to the ground.”

The study also notes the above-average length of the Giant Teratorn’s legs. The bird was able to stand on one leg and use the other to firmly grasp a large goose or a Fiery Doritos Locos taco. Argentavis magnificens could essentially use its long legs as an arm and bring the food to its beak.

“According to Wikipedia, birds don’t have hands,” said Dr. Riviera. “The Teratorn seems to have adapted to this by using its legs as hands. While current science won’t explain whyArgentavis magnificens doesn’t peck at its food straight off the ground like most Taco Bell clientele, we may assume this is because the bird may have had a slightly higher intelligence.”

According to Dr. Riviera, these findings are a big step towards understanding every detail of animals that died millions of years ago.

Because the diet is a fundamental aspect in the Giant Teratorn’s life, after scientists understand it they can then hypothesize other characteristics of Argentavis magnificens’  life. These include teenage dating rituals, holiday dinner gatherings, and Dr. Riviera’s biggest question of all, if birds really had hands or not.

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Study Reveals Penn State Lives in Bismarck, North Dakota

By Andrew Oreskovich

To the chagrin of the University’s marketing team, a groundbreaking study by the U.S. Census Bureau has revealed that Penn State resides solely within the city of Bismarck, North Dakota.

The “Penn State Lives Here” campaign, launched across campus last week, was designed to unite the University and solidify University Park as the official residence of the school.

Students have been highly critical of the program for a variety of reasons; primarily the cost. “I wasn’t a fan of the campaign, even when we assumed Penn State lived here at Penn State” said senior Allen Carretta. “I don’t even want to know how much the University paid for this. We probably could have bought a few more benches, or a real bookstore or something.”

Penn State officials held a conference to address the issue:  “We have heard concerns over the funding used to purchase the signs, and we understand,” said spokeswoman Annemarie Mountz. “Be assured, they money has not been wasted. The old signs are being overnighted to Bismarck as we speak to continue serving their purpose. Problem solved!” The relocation will cost a mere $12.95 per sign.

“I thought that Penn State lived inside each and every one of us,” said formerly-spirited freshman Jon Mattes. “I feel empty.”

The mayor of Bismarck could not be reached for comment.

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Breaking Bad Finale Actually An Episode of Low Winter Sun

By Nick Miller

Many fans were taken thought that their television sets were broken after a “glitch” in AMC’s programming.

When fans tuned into AMC to watch the series finale of the critically acclaimed show Breaking Bad they were met with the unexpected sight of the face of actor Mark Strong, who plays the lead on AMC’s less-than-darling Low Winter Sun.

“I turned on my TV and started screaming,” said Frank Williams of Wheeling, West Virginia. “I’ve been sitting on my couch for half a week watching the marathon they were playing without moving. I haven’t slept; I barely ate and used a bedpan for this? I wanted to see Walt die and instead I get this sub-par show about a crooked cop? We’ve already seen that done a thousand times!”

Even casual fans of the show were upset with the programming change, which explained Breaking Bad would air a week later instead.

“I’m not the biggest fan of Breaking Bad, but I’ve seen enough of it to really want to see how it all ends,” said Maria Rogers of Waco, Texas. “My roommate’s been watching it all week and we haven’t been allowed to change the channel. He hid the clicker from the rest of us and this is how we’re repaid?”

President and general manager of AMC Charlie Collier said that it was due to a simple error in the programming department, but an anonymous employee at AMC said that was not the case.

“A mistake? No, it was no mistake. We did that on purpose,” the employee said. “See, we thought it would be hilarious to get everybody all excited for this and then just pull the rug out from underneath them. Tricking an entire nation into watching Low Winter Sun, I mean that’s just genius. It’s really not that great.  We’re putting a lot more money into advertising than it’s worth.”

Polls show that AMC lost a lot of its viewers for this gaffe and that people would rather have it that Breaking Bad never existed at all than to have this happen.

“Really? They’d rather we never made Breaking Bad at all? Then I won’t even wait until next week,” said Collier. “It ends with Walt being held in an interrogation cell and when somebody brings up his trademark blue meth he looks at the camera and says ‘I guess I really blue this one,’ as the other characters laugh and they all forgive him. Now shut your mouths and watch Low Winter Sun. Please?”

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Miley Cyrus Will “Wait Till Marriage Even If It Means Masturbating On Stage At The VMAs”

By Erik Schneider

BROOKLYN, NY- Miley Cyrus shocked the nation last night by showing just how committed she is to her fiancé Liam Hemsworth, during the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards with a performance that included ‘twerking’ and various simulated sexual acts. Last May, Ms. Cyrus revealed to the media that she was going to remain pure and abstain from sex until her marriage.  Miley later commented that she was so committed to remaining pure that she would “wait till marriage even if it means literally masturbating on stage at the VMAs.”

Many entertainment insiders doubted Ms. Cyrus had the resolve to wait until marriage for sex, but after last night’s VMA’s those doubters have been proven completely wrong. Perez Hilton, an entertainment blogger, said “Miley is seriously sexually frustrated, but when she puts all her sexual tension out on stage like that, it sends a clear message that she is doing all she can to stay pure!”

Liam Hemsworth was elated by his fiancée’s display of commitment towards him. He commented, “I am so proud of my girl. First, she tells me she wants to wait until marriage for sex and I think, ‘yeah, like you can keep your hands off this.’ But she continues to surprise me. When I switched on MTV I saw her grinding up against Robin Thicke and now I see how hard it has been for her to wait and that just makes me all the more proud.”

Neither Ms. Cyrus nor her twenty-year-old press secretary could be reached for comment, however the two were seen walking into her dressing room together.

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Arizona Mourns Loss of 19 ID-Carrying Firefighters

By Andrew Oreskovich

YARNELL, Ariz. – In the most deadly firefighting incident since 9/11, an Arizona wildfire claimed the lives of an entire 47-person crew yesterday night. The blaze, spanning at least 6,000 acres of forest, has been wreaking havoc near the small town of Yarnell since Friday.

“The State of Arizona is in deep grief over the loss of these 19 registered, ID-carrying citizens,” commented Arizona governor Jan Brewer. “The sacrifices of these hard-working Americans will never be forgotten.”

“This is a tragic loss for our great state,” echoes former Senator Russell Pearce (AZ – R). “My heart aches for these 19 brave souls, their documented families, and their non-alien friends.”

The Arizona government has already approved funding to honor the fallen heroes with a 30-foot-high “Freedom Wall” memorial spanning state’s entire southern border.

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New England Patriots Release 19 Other Murderers from Roster

By Sean Becker

FOXBOROUGH, MA – After the release of New England Patriots Tight End Aaron Hernandez for his murder charge, the Patriots have released the other nineteen players on their roster who have taken a human life.

“It sure is a big shame to see all of these great athletes go,” started Tom Brady as he cleaned out his locker for his string of child murders in 2003. “You know, life goes on after football, though.”

Tight End Rob Gronkowski agreed with that sentiment. “Actions have consequences. Everyone knows that there is a line between your personal and professional lives that you can’t cross,” Gronkowski said as he turned his jersey and equipment in for a string of anonymous airport bombings he has participated in.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft was noticeably downtrodden during a press conference on Wednesday morning.

“Our organization has stood by these men during some of the roughest times in their lives,” Kraft said. “From this day forward, the Patriots shall be known as a team of non-murderers.”

Kicker Stephen Gostowski said he was saddened by the loss of so many teammates, but hoped that this would “set a better example for future teammates.”

“It also makes me extremely happy that nobody has died in any of the forest fires I’ve started,” Gostowski added.

Other teams around the league have responded by adopting similar policies. Reports also indicate that the Dallas Cowboys and Baltimore Ravens have disbanded completely.

Head coach Bill Belichick was coy about how the roster changes would affect the outlook of the upcoming season. “No comment at this time,” Belichick said as he packed up his office due to his yearly disembowelment of a prostitute in the Tempe, Arizona area.

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English Major Misses Chance to Bring Up “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” in Conversation

by Peter Hohman

English major and current Burger King assistant manager Jessica Chang blew what was possibly her only chance to bring up “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner” in casual conversation on Friday.

Chang, who wrote her thesis on Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s meisterwerk, was distracted for the split-second when a fellow guest at a party mentioned “shooting an albatross” and was unable to steer the conversation back to that line when she realized what had been said.

“I think this guy was talking about golf,” said Chang. “But even so, I had a great line about ‘and you avoided the slimy things with legs? Well done!’ From there, I imagined that we would have debated the meaning of Coleridge’s epic, discussed the influence of opium on his work, and then made passionate, intellectually-fueled love. But by the time I figured out what he said, someone else told that joke about Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson walking into a bar. Curses!”

Although opportunities to discuss Coleridge do sometimes come up in normal conversation, they are exceedingly rare. One controversial study released in 2006 claimed that an English major over 40 is more likely to be killed in a terrorist attack than to ever get the perfect “in” for a Coleridge reference.

“It’s a tough environment, that’s for sure,” said Chang. “When I was at Penn State, I had a friend who lived in Ritner Hall and I would always introduce him as ‘the man from Pollock,’ you know, like ‘the man from Porlock?’ But nobody ever got the joke. This most recent time, I really do blame myself. If only I hadn’t been reading Thoreau that afternoon; I would have been less tired and my reaction would have been quicker.”

In light of the improbability of receiving a second chance at making an “Ancient Mariner” reference, Chang is reportedly now working on the “perfect line” that will allow her to insert a discussion about Italo Svevo’s Confessions of Zeno into any conversation about quitting smoking.

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HUB Lawn Construction Workers Actually Have No Idea What They’re Doing

By Andrew Moore

HUB lawn construction workers came to a startling realization early this afternoon when they discovered they weren’t doing anything constructive whatsoever, both figuratively and literally.

The Biobehavioral Health Building was the original project being worked on but, as of recent, workers spent a considerable amount of time digging up the once grass-filled lawn in front of the HUB for no apparent reason at all.

“Yeah, I don’t know why we’re digging up this lawn,” construction supervisor Jeff Johnson told reporters while he repeatedly struck a piece of plywood with a hammer. “I don’t think anything we’ve been doing here has been helpful to anyone, actually.”

Other workers on site shared a similar sense of confusion about their reason for being there. Worker Robert Martinez explained that he had managed to establish a squirrel caste system among the campus squirrels, while worker Donny Hogan claimed to have dug a mile deep hole.

When asked to comment, OPP officials said they had never even hired anybody to do any construction on the HUB lawn. A representative of the OPP suggested that the Biobehavioral Health Building wasn’t even approved to be built in the first place.

“They just started working on [the Biobehavioral Health Building] all of a sudden, so we kind of just let them go,” the representative said. “But after they finished that, they never really left… I think everybody’s afraid to ask them to leave because they might ask for payment.”

“No no, we don’t need any repayment for our work here,” Johnson replied as he molded a life-size giraffe out of gravel and mortar. “The smiles of all these young, Franklin and Marshall students is good enough for me!”

 

EDIT: The lawn, as of current, is filled with gravel.

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CELEBRITY RADAR: Aging Skeletor Consults Plastic Surgeon

by Andrew Oreskovich

SNAKE MOUNTAIN, Eternia – Reports are surfacing that Skeletor, Lord of the Night, has spoken with a medical professional to reconfigure his facial structure. This move has been anticipated for decades, following Skeletor’s decision to sacrifice his face in an effort to prolong his conquest of Eternia.

“It seemed like a reasonable trade at the time,” the Overlord of Evil told reporters. “I’m not really into the whole ‘conquer Castle Grayskull’ thing anymore though. Having a face again seems much more practical at my age.”

Unfortunately, doctors remain skeptical whether plastic surgery would be viable option for the Lord of Destruction. “His lack of face presents a challenge we’ve never encountered,” admitted Dr. Oz. “Usually we have something to work with, but it’s all bone. Frankly it’s a medical miracle that he’s surviving without any facial tissue. He should be very grateful.”

When pressed for details regarding the strained relationship with his nephew He-Man, Skeletor said they put aside their differences long ago and “like to catch a round of golf or something every few weeks.” Sorceress of the Night Evil-Lyn was not available for comment.

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