1. Prince Says Internet Fad Will Pass

“Anyway, all these computers and digital gadgets are no good. They just fill your head with numbers and that can’t be good for you.”

2. Star Wars Improv Everywhere


Why does no one attempt to save the princess? We all know how this will end! It’s Kitty Genovese all over again.

3.  World’s Largest Gummy Bear

At 5 pounds and 12,600 calories, this bear does not fuck around. One bite, and you’ll be able to taste infinity.

4. How a Fish Almost Destroyed My Childhood

Hyperbole and a Half is the Internet’s greatest blog. It’s a collection of humiliating and tragic stories told through mankind’s greatest medium: MS Paint.

5. Epic Shot Was Epic

When reporting about a freak basketball shot that sunk against all odds, a reporter sinks a freak basketball shot… against all odds.

6. Mila’s Daydreams

We here at Phroth have discovered the most adorable way to exploit your child. Unfortunately, the lag time for that sort of thing is nine months and someone beat us to it.

7. The Best Way to Shop

Awwww yeah. A video that once again proves that there exists nothing in the world that cannot be improved by the Moonwalk.

8. Inside a Russian Sex Doll Factory

This visual tour through a Russian sex doll factory will either terrify or arouse you. If the former, congratulations, you are a functioning member of society! If the latter, I’m sorry, but you most likely write for Phroth.

9. DICK SLANG

The latest dance craze that’s sweeping the nation and making us question our faith in humanity!

10. How’s the pie?

So good.

1. Watson is a Creeper

Solving this crime should be child’s play, dear Watson. You simply teleport to the periphery of the guilty party, until he at last goes mad from your haunting. Like clockwork!

2. Distraction

None of us know anything about Asian languages, but here’s what we could piece together about the plot of this game: you’re an adorable bird, trying to eat fruits and dodge rockets. You know, normal bird things. But these other animals are jealous of your cuteness, so they do everything they can to fuck your shit up.

3.  Big-Mouthed Guy Fits Entire Soda Can Into His Mouth

We don’t care if you get a God damn doctorate, you will never be as amazing as this man.

4. 21-year-old Weightlifter Tries to Squat 1008 lbs. at Sr. Nationals in Chicago; Projectile Vomits All Over Judge, Passes Out

There is nothing about this video that the title doesn’t tell you, yet it is magical every time you watch it.

5. So Many Blogs, So Little Time

We assure you, there is a blog for every fucking thing.

6. Baby Laugh-a-Lot

The first doll to be powered not by AA batteries, but by the nightmares of children.

7. Openbook

What’s your favorite part about Facebook? Did you say your friends’ self-indulgent, obsessive compulsive status updates about the mundane minutiae of their everyday lives? Well then you’re in luck, because Openbook now allows you to read the inane, mind numbing statuses of complete and total strangers! If anything, it will at least make you thankful for Twitter’s character limit.

8. This Man Will be the Next Oprah

This man is honestly the most inspiring individual the Phroth hivemind has ever encountered. If he receives his own show, we’d actually have a reason not to be ashamed when we get caught watching the Oprah Winfrey Network. Zach Anner, we salute you!

9. Best of BBC’s “Walk on the Wild Side”

Oh BBC, how do you work such magic? Why CNN can’t be more like you, we’ll never know.

10.  Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden

In the year 2053, in a world left devastated by the Chaos Dunk, Charles Barkley is societies last glimmer of hope.  The predictions made by this game are as unerring as they are chilling.

Special thanks go to Phroth writer Desmond Nathanson for creating 90% of this month’s list! Apparently everyone else is too busy this summer with their fancy internships and jobs and families to tirelessly search the internet for videos of adorable animals falling asleep, but at least Desmond has his priorities straight!

1. Former Silph Co. Employee Answers Your Questions

Finally, one of those bastards comes forward and admits their fuck-up in the Team Rocket debacle.

2. Cute Things Falling Asleep

Whenever your girlfriend is pissed at you, you show her this site. It will always make her feel good and forget what she’s angry about. And, unlike your girlfriend, this site is real.

3. Crab Revenge

Sweet Baby Jesus in the Manger, this may just take the cake for most WTF way to get back at a cheater. Seriously, we can’t think of anything more diabolical.

4.  Super Obama World

Mario and Obama collide in this startling criticism of the President’s refusal to properly reform princess kidnapping laws.

5. Fake Yo-Yo Trickster Fools TV Stations

This man has been hitting up Wisconsin news stations claiming to be a yo-yo champion, then about 30 seconds into the interview, can’t do a single trick. May this be a lesson to all you journalism majors: fact check that shit.

6. Todd Davis’ Social Security Number is 457-55-5462

What happens when a man publishes his social security number across the Internet? Everyone steals it. Thanks to us, you can too!

DISCLAIMER: Stealing someone’s social security number is illegal, so please don’t actually do it. Unless you’re in the Ukraine or something. No laws out there.

7. How to Make a Giant Kit-Kat

This is what happens when Oompa Loompas use performance-enhancing drugs.

8. Worst Wedding DJ Ever

What Phil Collins always had in mind when he wrote “In the Air Tonight”.

9.  Beer Olympics

WHY HAVE WE NOT HAD A BEER OLYMPICS YET?!

10.  Damage Plan’s Man’s Worst Enemy

“You Got Served” was nearly our favorite movie of all time, but it lacked one thing: a guy in a dog suit. Now if they just splice this clip into the movie, our lives will be complete.

PHLOGGING ABROAD #6: STARTED OFF AS A GUIDE, THEN BECAME A NARRATIVE

So you decided to travel to Italy? Well get ready, because you’re going to have the time of your life! However, before you go, there are a couple of things you need to know before you go to this country.

EVERY DRIVER WANTS TO MURDER YOU

Italy is a land of people who collectively respond “Don’t fucking tell me what to do!” to any and all stop signs. This is only aggravated by the fact that most large cities are full of tiny, narrow alley ways. You will constantly be watching your back as you walk down the streets out of fear that a Vespa is going to obliterate you. Speaking of Vespas, they are terrifying and very, very gay. People who ride Vespas do not give a shit. You will see them driving on sidewalks, medians, opposite of one way streets, pretty much anything that you would decry “Asshole” to, they do with blind passion. Don’t worry though, you are always considered the asshole.
No matter what, if a driver is acting like a total prick and is pushing 40mph on a 300ft stretch, you are always the asshole for getting in his way. You may be thinking, “I’ll obey standard traffic laws and I’ll be fine.”

You are wrong. You will be a victim.

It’s an oddity that “Italian traffic law” isn’t an analogy for cluster-fuck, because it’s nearly the perfect metaphor. There are no laws. It’s like a demolition derby, only on cobblestones instead of mud, and full of people who aren’t fond of America instead of people who think gays shouldn’t read in their local libraries.
The most important thing you need to know is that you should never cross a street unless you see a local person walking across it first. It’s the only way you will not risk your life. Don’t trust the walk signs either, they’re merely suggestions.

YOU GOT A WALLET? FUCK YOU.

Your wallet is worthless. It is just a toy containing your identity and a last resort Durex condom. Most places won’t accept debit/credit cards, so you’ll need to get Euros. Euros suck. The US dollar is Monopoly money in comparison. Do not bother with souvenir shops. Coming from a person who loves crap and still looks at the toy sections of targets and Wal-marts, that means something. The souvenirs are tacky, expensive, and lame. You’ll need the money for food and tickets anyway, and what little money you have left will either be stolen or you’ll be conned out of.

AUTHENTIC ITALIAN MEALS ARE HUGE, YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ONE

A real Italian meal is huge. It usually has some starter, a first dish, a second dish, and desert. It sounds amazing, and the food can be stellar, but you will never have a meal like this. Even at the shittiest, truck-stop diner equivalent Italian restaurant, a real Italian meal will cost you over 40 dollars. This means that when you do go to a restaurant you’ll have one kid’s sized platter. It’ll be delicious, but it won’t be filling.
Most people will want to get pizza in Italy. I’m going to tell you right off the bat that Italian Pizza isn’t amazing. It’s not bad, and it’ll actually feel like you’re eating a full meal, but it’s…off. The crust is really thin, so thin it only takes 5 minutes to finish cooking, there’s a lot of cheese, and they don’t bother chopping up toppings. You order a pizza with ham on it, expect to find 4 huge spiral cuts of ham on top of it.
The other thing most people want to try in Italy is gelato. You’d think that I’d have something against gelato considering how often I rant about nothing, but I don’t. Gelato is good, but it’s just ice cream. People will argue that it’s not the same thing, but gelato gives the same satisfaction that Ice Cream does. There isn’t a huge difference between the two. If someone came up to me and said, “I am going to either get rid of all of the gelato or all of the ice cream in the world and you must pick which one goes,” outside of questioning the person’s powers and/or conviction, I’d respond, “Fuck it, get rid of whichever one Jeremy Piven likes more.”

YOU GOT FEET? FUCK YOU.

You. Will. Walk. Everywhere.

You won’t have a choice. Taxis are too expensive and the train is not convenient enough for every site. Earlier I mentioned that the streets were made of cobblestone, and it will be the cause of all things painful for your feet. Since most of the streets are uneven, by day 2 you will start feeling pain, and by day 4 you will be in a constant state of looking like you have rickets.

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BULLS GAP, W.Va.—Tragedy struck the small town of Bulls Gap, West Virginia on Sunday when mother-of-two Amberly Hickenstock slaughtered 11 of her neighbors.

According to police, the trouble began when Hickenstock received a miniature statue that read “Number One Mother” from her son Cleetus. Hickenstock, who apparently believed the gift was an official award, began celebrating by going door-to-door to gloat about her achievement.

“I didn’t expect her to take the gift so seriously,” said Cleetus Hickenstock.

The trouble began when Hickenstock arrived at the home of Becky-Anne Murphy with intentions of “Taking that hoity-toity bitch down a peg. Her with her damned electricity.”

Murphy responded by laughing in her face, showing that she also had a trophy, and saying that many other mothers probably had that same trophy.

Hickenstock responded to that by gouging Murphy’s eyes out and strangling to death her with her own belt.

Determined to be the only number-one-mother in town, Hickenstock set out to eliminate all those who may attempt to lay claim to her title. Hickenstock killed 10 before police arrested her and brought her in for questioning.

Hickenstock immediately confessed to the crime.

“I knew my mother was a crazy bitch, but, wow… just wow,” said Cletus Hickenstock.
————–
By Mike Lewis, Staff Writer

Don’t use the word alumni as a singular noun
So you’re a member of the alumni association. That’s cool, but there’s only one of you, almost like some sort of magical snow flake. But guess what, snow flake, alumni is a plural noun, so you’re an alumnus or an alumna. Pick one of those two and stick to it.

Fight Ohio State Students
So the professional world is legally required to say they “frown upon pugilism.” Of course, the real world doesn’t know what “pugilism” means, so you need to get shithoused and kick the shit out of every one of those Ohio State Alumni. In the work place. While drunk.

Eat Pizza at 3 A.M.
I know, I know, it’s not quite Canyon and for that I’m eternally sorry. But medical science has proven that pizza is the one and only thing that can prevent a hangover. Anything less and your headaches will be splitting and your vomit will be everywhere.

Visit, Dammit
Those tickets on Craigslist are $300 for a reason. Because you throw way too much money to see our quarterback throw the ball to the wrong team. However, that money is necessary for Phroth to buy our books (beer) so please keep buying those tickets.

Shout “WE ARE!”
Part of you is probably saying, “But this isn’t Beaver Canyon, no one will know what I’m talking about.” Another part of you is already shaping your lips to cry out the “we.” We’re pretty sure we have a psychobiology major on staff, and he or she says the first part of your brain is insane. I mean come on, the “b” sound and the “w” sound aren’t even close together. Your rational brain needs to get with it.

Get a job
Just kidding. Graduate school is your best bet.

————–

By Desmond Nathanson, Staff Writer

DALLAS—Last week Guinness World Record representatives verified that John “Skanky-Shanks” Riddle broke the record for number of times masturbated in a 3 day period while in Solitary Confinement.

Riddle masturbated over 57 times in 72 hours, breaking the previous record of 49 by 13-year-old Tommy Kirk.

“We knew he was up to something,” said C.O. Martins, officer in charge of the solitary unit.”We realized something was going on when we saw that he had etched 36 marks on the wall and he had only been in solitary 22 hours. Wow, putting two and two together it’s… things need to be changed around here.”

“I can honestly say I had nothing better to do,” said Riddle. “I was just trying to spin a negative into a positive, the negative in this case being my brash decision to throw a cup of feces at the warden’s face.”

Even though Riddle is proud of his accomplishment, he refuses to let the record breaking marathon session get to his head.

“I did this for my kids,” Riddle said. “From now on, when my three children from three different women think of their dad, I want them to remember him as the guy who cranked it to the point of extreme dehydration, and not as the guy who sold his body to several different men for crystal meth.”

Riddle will be receiving his plaque during his scheduled meeting time in three months, as long as he refrains from further incidences of throwing feces.

“I’ll do my best,” said Riddle. “But a tiger doesn’t change its stripes.”
————–
By Jimmy Mayers, Phroth Writer 2007-2010

Final’s Week is finally here and you know what that means: Adderall-fueled cramming sessions, insomnia-induced delusions, and last but not least, trips to your local library. Of course, we all know that “Finals” actually stands for Fuck I’ve Never Actually (ever been to our school’s) Library. Fortunately for you, I happened to have a pursued a career (see: actuarial science) that has deemed me the equivalent of The Pagemaster. For the past four years at Penn State, I have spent enough hours in the library to rival that of even the most hilariously stereotypical of fictional nerds.

I’m looking at you, Professor Frink.

There’s only one problem when it comes to the library: the noisy, obnoxious, idiots that frequent them (aka everyone). Don’t start crying yet though, there’s hope. I’ll point out the seven worst ones to stay the hell away from. This will ensure you get the tranquil study spot you deserve. I’ll even Google image search some stock photos so you can identify them visually in case you want to skip all of this boring writing.

1. The “Library DJ”

They came for the silent atmosphere, but they stayed for the chance to kick out the jams! You’ll find these guys in the quietest places of the library. And unfortunately for everyone within a 50-foot radius, they’re blasting their music at full volume.

Ironically, the perpetrator is hardly ever black, but this stock photo really gets the point across.

Along with being able to make out every last word to “Soulja Boy,” you’ll see this dumbass bobbing his head back and forth like he was at a freaking KISS concert. Once in a while you might even encounter them singing along to their music out loud. Unless the person turns out to be Gene Simmons, feel free to beat them mercilessly.

2. The “Page Flipper”

This person is either the smartest person in the world or just realized his exam is in 15 minutes. If you don’t go to school with Hermione Granger, assume this asshole is the latter.

That sentence you’re skimming won’t be on the exam. Get the fuck out!

This maniac will attempt to cram a semester’s worth of material in the time it takes to read your average Dr. Seuss book. Although they tirelessly (and loudly) flip through what seems like the equivalent of 20 dictionaries, they will actually fail to retain a single bit of information. The only satisfaction I get from seeing one of these imbeciles is the fact that they’ll have to take the class again during the summer.

3. The “Buffet”

As an avid studier, I know that it’s not long before hunger kicks in. I’m always craving food when I’m studying. And I’m not a glutton who just loves to eat; scientists actually proved that people that study often need to eat more (citation needed). However, I try to avoid eating crunchy, earthquake-inducing foods in a quiet library. These people are the exception.

This guy’s even willing to waste potato chips in order to annoy any engineering students in the vicinity.

The “Buffet” doesn’t care if you have finals to study for, he’s hungry. The world is his diner, and dine he shall. As he raucously munches on his freshly delivered hard-shelled tacos, thin crust pizza, and Captain Crunch, you’ll want to give him a piece of your mind. However, you’ll probably just end up asking him for a piece of pizza.

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1. Rejected Precious Movie Poster

Let’s face it, you’re a nerd. Why else are you on the Internet? As a nerd you like two things: Pokemon and indie movies. Well guess what. Now they’re one thing. You’re welcome.

2. Fuck you too, Toad

Toad, you bastard. First you don’t help Mario on his quest and now this? This is why you don’t get invited anywhere.

3. Steven Seagal keeps Sex Slaves

(Suck it, Jefferson)

Not content with kicking the ass of terrorists, he now has to kick the ass of his personal assistants.

4. Geocities-izer

Technology, is cyclical. Soon enough we’ll begin to backslide into the early days of the dot com boom and we’ll all have geocities pages again. Don’t believe me? Here’s proof.

5. Things I Hate

We were shocked to learn that we aren’t the only people who hate stuff.

6. A Fucking Putty from the Original Power Rangers Answers Questions

(Putties, moments before their inevitable death)

This might not be true, if not, then oh well. But if it is, OH BOY!

7. Evil Clown hired for stalking, threats and a pie in the face

(The worst birthday I’ve had since the one where my parents told me I was adopted)

From the article:

“The child feels more and more that it is being pursued,” said Deville.
“The clown’s one and only aim is to smash a cake into the face of his victim, when they least expect it, during the course of seven days.’”
If the boy or girl manages to avoid the ‘hit’, they are given the cake as a birthday present.

8. 8-bit Dr. Horrible

The fanboy which represents all of the Internet loves two things: Joss Whedon and 8-bit gaming. Well guess what? Now they’re one thing. You’re welcome.

9. Bad Translator

This is the most interesting thing, I am a long time

10. Will Smith on CSI: Miami

Will Smith’s first acting project that hasn’t involved aliens in almost 20 years.

Lion Scout Mark McGinley requested that we help make his last tour a memorable one. Phroth delivered accordingly.

Our apologies to Mark’s fellow tour guide and younger sister who had no idea what was going on.

Happy finals week everybody!
Let mirth prevail!

For behind the scenes pictures from the RAVE click here.